Finding Bekr

************TRIGGER WARNING*************
Weight issues… Mirrors are evil… Finding myself…

I was always the petite one. 5ft, 100lbs. Then with medications, and getting older I started gaining weight… quickly. My blood pressure was skyrocketing. 165lbs was the heaviest I had ever been. Being 5ft, every lb is noticeable. I became miserable. I felt like a fat lazy piglet. This was 2008, since then I was able to lose some weight, it was not easy. I was able to get to 130 lbs. I gain and lose 10lbs, I am constantly going from 130lbs to 140lbs, up and down. Now I am up to 150lbs. BUT this time, I do not criticize myself like I used to and I feel comfortable with my body. What is the difference now? I have no mirrors. I do have 1 in the bathroom, but all I can see is my face. I have always needed a mirror, so I can see how I look before going out. Don’t want to look like a fool πŸ˜‰ I have also had a magnifying mirror (for when I tweeze my eyebrows)… while also noticing every ‘flaw’ extremely close up.

I just started working out a bit, because I do want to lose weight for health reasons. I feel “fat/large” when I see full body pictures of myself and when I put on clothes that used to fit loosely. But again, I am not feeling completely awful about it. My conclusion: Mirrors are evil.

Moving right along… to me. When I would look at myself in the mirror, and I mean REALLY look at myself, I did not see me. There was something else staring back at me. It was strange, sometimes awful and scary. Other times, I saw nothing, I was just an empty shell. I had no soul… nothing… emptiness…

Last week I was taking photos with my cell phone. I was taking photos with the zoom on, then I decided to take some selfies… I forgot to zoom back out. I did this a few times, and did not realize it until I looked at the photos a little later. So these photos were completely ‘accidental’. I was amazed by what I saw and how I felt. I saw me! Yes, me, a soul a person, everything I am and represent. It was such a wonderful experience, although a bit odd. I saw myself and saw beauty (and yes, that feels weird for me to say/write that). I no longer saw my ‘flaws’ as ‘flaws’, but as experience and life. I have been so critical about every little thing on my body and face. I have always been self-conscious about my smaller puffy eye, I hated it (that eye is smaller than my other one, I think it is a ‘lazy eye’). It looked like I got punched in the eye. I do not see it that way any more. I was born with it, it is part of me, I now accept it. On to my wrinkles… oh my goodness, it felt like my eyes got wrinkly overnight. Crows feet and lines, I no longer felt youthful. I was disgusted by them. Not anymore… I now see them as life. I liked the few freckles I had, never had any issues with those. But I now have some really bad dark/sun spots. I was embarrassed by them. I have a huge one right in the middle of my forehead. Now, I have no problem with it. To me it looks like a heart and/or a butterfly.

Now, every time I look at these photos, I still feel amazement by my acceptance. I have lived. I have been in and through hell. I have been blessed with MANY things. Why fight and constantly criticize my looks, when that is NOT who I am. It is only a part of me. I can’t fight getting older and everything that comes along with it.

It only took 39 years to see myself and accept what I saw, that my ‘shell’ is not really who I am (just a small part). I look into my eyes, and that is who I am. The person behind those eyes. And I have become a pretty cool person. Not like I used to be: a lying, manipulative, deceitful person for self gain. I was not a ‘bad’ person, I just made some bad choices… MANY bad choices, but they have led me to where I am now. I have always been a giving person though. Contradictory, I know… Anyway, I am now full of love and acceptance, of myself and others. My conclusion… again… mirrors are evil.

Here are the photos that helped me find myself (no editing/no photoshop): Pieces of Me







I am whole πŸ™‚ My Spiritual Awakening


I am whole πŸ™‚ My Spiritual Awakening


17 thoughts on “Finding Bekr

  1. What a wonderful place to be! I hope to get there someday. Right now, I like my face but desperately want and need to tune up the rest. The face is a good starting place, right? Hugs to you for this great task of acceptance.

    • oh, I need to tune up the rest too. But I don’t feel as bad, like before. Thank you, it is an odd place to be ‘total acceptance’, but it is quite wonderful. I hope you can get here too. Love you lots!!

  2. So very inspirational… And I really wish you are able to keep those thoughts and feelings about yourself even in those darker days that come now and again. I had a similar ‘aha’-moment in NYC last year when a street-artist guy (you know, the once who offer to draw you for a few dollars?) did an amazing portrait of me… I held on to that feeling until… Well, until my next episode, I guess. *sigh* Anyway, you look amazing! You really, really do! And you go, girl!!! *hugs from Sweden*

    • Thank you. I also think it has to do with my current environment. Trying to go to the beach as much as I can. Getting lots of sunshine and ‘ocean’ time. I feel at one with the universe, it feels like everything is coming together, as it was meant to be. Hopefully this ‘feeling’ will stay with me once I move :/ Hugs from Puerto Rico πŸ™‚

  3. I’m a guy and you probably wouldn’t think that the same issue would be bothersome. I’m 6’3″ and never weighed over 190 even during my college beer gut drinking days. I normally weighed 170-175. I started a new med and it has made me gain 60 pounds in a year that has been detrimental to my self esteem and I’m still in too much pain to exercise to even try and resolve the issue. The med also gives me horrible sugar cravings and . I weened down to hopefully get off of it, yet my doctor told me he had nothing else to offer. So if I wanted to even be functional, I had to stay on it as when I went from my normal dose of 60mg down to 10mg, I was completely paralyzed, lying motionless on the couch (to not trigger any more pain). This was doing me no good so I went up to half my dose and have been trying to maintain there. The weight issue is bothersome every time I see myself in the mirror. I feel like no girl would want to date an overweight guy and don’t even want to go to the pool this summer as it is embarrassing. Exercise only makes my pain worse and so I’m between a rock and a hard place right now. People don’t even recognize me which was a huge blow to my ego/self-esteem. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me as it is just the nature of my current situation and I can’t help it, but it still does. I’ve always been critical of overweight people as I attributed it to them not taking care of themselves. I would even ask overweight friends if it is genetic, and if they had been like that since birth, or if it onset later in life. And what changed that made it happen. Some of them just let themselves go for which I have no respect for. But if it is genetic thing or medication induced weight gain, I understand and am accepting of that now especially now. I know girls are typically more weight conscience than guys but I just wanted to let people know that even a young adult male can experience this as well.

    • I am sure many guys have the same ‘issues’ with weight. My husband is going through the same thing right now, probably from stress. My severe weight gain started when I was around 30, and started taking Zyprexa. Oh man, I could not have enough sweets! I would wake up a few times a night, (because I also have bladder problems) and I would eat a full bowl of cereal. I gained 30 pounds within 2 months. These meds suck!! It is difficult to manage, because the meds tell our brains to eat, eat, eat. And once the weight is gained, it is difficult to lose it. And most of us on these meds get depressed… lack of any motivation… therefore no interest in working out. Not because we don’t want to, but because we just can’t. Also, if you have crappy side effects, like dizziness, sleepiness and all of that other good stuff, makes it even more difficult to want to get up and exercise. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with being a male and thinking/feeling the way you do about weight gain, you are human. I hope you are able to find a happy medium and are able to get where you want to be. And I say, throw away your mirror πŸ˜‰ And about any girl not wanting to date an overweight guy, if a girl does not want to date you because you are overweight, then she is not the right gal. Thanks for sharing your story, it is good to hear different perspectives, and many men don’t admit to stuff like this.

    • First and formost, Bekr I have been following your blog for awhile now and I think your the most beautiful woman, that you a remarkable personality and your so spunky but I will be the first to admit that anyone can tell me that til I am blue in the face, I have to see it and believe it in my heart and soul and I have been dealing with the same demons (If you will) like you talk about!! **Next this goes out to the gentleman name Private! I understand what you are referring to when you say about being a large man and no woman would be interested in you… Well, honey don’t discount yourself too short..I was will a man who when I met him back in 2003, which I actually knew of him before hand because he was best friends with my brother I just hadn’t spoke with him really much. But, we got to flirting and we clicked and you know what!! He was a remarkable 450lbs. And maybe 6’0, Now even at that height he was still a very large man and for over 3 1/2 years we were together and engaged, I still dealt with many many comments about how much he must eat and the ever famous one…How do we have sex! My point is I didn’t care cause I loved him and it didn’t matter because it was all immature chatter by ppl who obviously didn’t care about getting to know who we were as people or human beings! I also was used to childish comments like that because I grew up with a father that was large and a mother who was 4’10 and 115lbs and who were married for over 30 years until she passed on. Still to this day the guy is in my life, my daughters god father, I handle his medical needs and he even lives in the apt. Upstairs in our house (which is a 2 apt house). My point with all of this, no matter your size as hard as it is to do, just be yourself and a woman will come your way when you least expect it!!! If you need someone to talk to on hard days, shoot me an email!! As for my blog This one I started up brand new recently but you can also catch me at.. stop by and say Hey!!!

      • Well first I would like to thank Bekr for her thought provoking post that consisted of thoughts that, for me personally, needed to be faced and addressed. I am the “Private” guy and ironically did not even mean to post privately. I was logged into WordPress for the first time in a while. Well anyway, somehow I made it here where I originally read Bekr ‘s post which then sparked the reply I made. Realizing this, it seemed I would be doing those involved in this post a misjustice for staying anonymous. I would like to thank Bekr and Kelly for their meaningful replies. First I should say that I started to try and blog regularly once, and you will find it at . It was originally just Finding The Will To Live, however, after a rage of emotion and deletion of the site with out the “on”, I was unable to retrieve it and added the word “on” in an attempt to continue the blog. I am Bipolar, suffer from every form of anxiety possible, and have two neuropathic diseases. Occipital and Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia. The latter known as “the suicide disease” and “the most painful condition known to mankind”. After 6 years of being told it was somatic, and not true psychical pain by multiple psychiatrists and neurologists, I had surgery August 29th, 2012 @ Georgetown Hospital in Washington DC. It was unfortunately unsuccessful. Well after being thrown on the streets for being a so called opiate addict and drug seeker during the later part of those 6 years, After talking to the surgeon on the phone, describing everything that was still taking place in a very caring and regretful voice “that the procedures were unsuccessful” and at that point there was nothing more he could do to help me. It was a punch to the stomach even hearing that over the phone, and I immediately spiraled down into a depression that lasted a month or two. The only “good” thing after all that was at least I had physical proof I indeed had 2 nerve diseases. While cutting the Greater and Lesser Occipital Nerves in my head on both sides, he noted that my nerves were wrapped around my muscle like a grapevine. I also had my zygomatic and Auriculo-Temporalis nerves cut out on both sides of my head. Lastly he went in through my eyelids and “something he had never seen before” the nerves going across my forehead had grown and buried themselves inside the bone. He had to dig them out removing any surrounding blood vessels or tissue that might be compressing them. I reached a point that without pain medication, I did not wish to live any longer as it was what I would consider inhumane. I was forced to being taking Methadone in a small dose considered a chronic pain treatment dosage that was used for patients with chronic neuropathic pain. At first I felt like I had my life back. It was about 6 months until I needed to increase my dosage to what was referenced as the minimum therapeutic level. I went on about my life another year before it quit helping as much again, and gaining 60-80 pounds, having horrible memory problems, constant dry mouth severely affecting my teeth, and not acting like myself according to everyone around me. I refused to increase it again. I in fact self detoxed, and when I went down from the original 30, up to 60, now down to 10, I was completely paralyzed laying on my couch barely able to make it to the bathroom. That was not going to work, at 20mg I became house-bound, and so I went back to 30 in order to go see my doctor and tell him I wanted off this stuff. He told me it was my only option and I live in Texas so medicinal cannabis is not an option. I feel it is my only hope. The one trigger that makes my pain worse I have found in 8 years is drastic changes in the barometric pressure. That or when a low or high pressure system moves through or there are thunderstorms. My surgeon advised me to move to San Diego, which in the continental US, is #1 for the most steady barometric pressure. That and I would have another option in my long term care as far as meds. Even more so than the weight I have gained, I have recently grown severely lonely. And I don’t mean having my guy friends over to chill or family here with me. I’m talking about a companion, a female to cuddle with, to fall asleep in my arms, to have intelligent conversations with, to be supportive, to have what any normal human wants, companionship. Yet I wonder who wants to be with someone who has no money, barely leaves their house, is in pain all the time, and watches movies and shows constantly to distract themselves, leaving the house only when absolutely necessary. What kind of girl would wants to willingly deal with that at my age. I’m 29, nearly 30. I know a guy with my same condition that had everything you could want, a beautiful wife, a boating business in south lake tahoe, yet after sticking with him for 6+ years, she couldn’t take it anymore and divorced him to get her life back. He is only 3 1/2 years older than me and I can’t imagine what he is going through. His wife was my age. All my friends are married. Begining to have kids. What sort of life is there for me? Who would want to deal with someone unpleasant to be around because of the intense pain they endure every day? Like Bekar said, I look in the mirror and the face I see is a shell, empty, and merely existing. The the old me, is no longer even there. I’m not sure I can even remember him anymore. I’m terrified because I’m so alone and have no idea how I will ever meet anyone, when I can barely even leave. It is just eating away at me and the last thing I want is for some one to be with me just because they feel sorry for me. Another day, another night, just doing my best, finding the will to live.

      • Oh Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear about how much pain you are in. On the bright side I a can on somewhat of a level understand your pain on daily basis as I live in pain on a daily basis. Tho, not in a great deal as yours but I am no stranger to pain, mine started back in 1999 after I came home from the hospital from having my oldest daughter. It took me til 2006 to finally have enough of the pain since I was a waitress at the time and they did xrays and an mri and I had a convo with the nurse to have her say something strange so I ordered my medical records to find that I had to inform the doctors that I had lumbar spondylolsis and lumbar spondylolisthesis at grade 2 at that time and spinal stenosis severely. Long story short, 3 spine doctors later, 2010 spine surgery screwed up, screws thru my spine, 2012 2nd spine surgery to fix 1st surgery and now not sure what level my surgery is at because I have an extra vertebra plus I recently found out that I was born with a birth defect that my spine didnt fully develop, possibly spina bifida occulta. 1st spine surgery found that I had 6 severely pinched nerves that now I have more nerves that are damaged and issues with the last neurologist and I have avoided the neurologist. Countless injections in my si joints, round 4 epidural steroid injections just finished that did no help and a very painful facet steroid injection that made my pain even worse. Im positive for the ankylosing spondylitis gene but no one will look at me with possibly having it because they think all my issues with my back and my si joints are mechanical and not that disease when I have all the symptoms of that disease and it is so frustrating. I am severely depressed and bipolar like you guys too and there were many days I slept til 5pm. I can totally understand.. For pain meds have they ever tried oxycontin or morphine on you at all? Thats what they have me on right now and the oxycontin works for the most part but the morphine for break thru pain doesnt really do much, so I have to call and see if they will put me on something else. I have several other health issues but my 2 1/2 is pulling at me and I cant type…Talk to you all later, Hope you both bekr and Brad do find your way and I am in the process of renewing my one blog hosting for the year and writing some new posts on my blogs…Kelly!!!

  4. so wonderful to hear you get to this place. I have been following your journey for a long time now… I am struggiling atm but this has helped me for sure… I’m getting rid of some mirrors!!!! x – April-Rose

  5. Bekr – you truly are beautiful, inside & out…. you have a gift and always seem to say the right thing and post just the right pics at the right time… Don’t ever think you are fat or ugly, you will NEVER be either …. Rock on girl & keep us smiling !!!

  6. Wow, I’m coming from a background of a 5 foot, 97 pound mother and a father who saw her as the ideal. As a teen I was curvy, but never could believe I was pretty. So add meds and I am a “round” 5 foot 165 pound me. The only mirrors are small ones to do a quick check out the door. I have quit calling myself ugly names as I pass them, but I don’t think I could handle a close up…. but you have opened a window for me! Thanks so much for sharing.

    • Good for you!! I am amazed by my own confidence and reaction now that I have moved back to the states and am surrounded by mirrors. I am now 160lbs, also 5ft. I will look at myself in a full length mirror and see my soul. I do see all of my “extra” skin πŸ˜‰ I am a little disgusted, but not like before. I can’t really explain it in words. I think it has to do with my Spiritual Awakening. I don’t know. I do care about my weight as far as health issues. I never thought I would be so accepting of myself looking the way I do on the “outside”. I guess I can now see beyond that.


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