And the truth shall set you free…

*********TRIGGER WARNING**********

I am tired… Exhausted is more like it. I am miserable here. “But you live in Paradise, how could you be unhappy?” I don’t know, I just am. I hate it here. Yes, it’s a beautiful place, but it’s a different way of life, that I have not been able to adapt to. I thought I could get to a point where I was okay with living here. Hasn’t happened. It’s been one major life event after another, and I’m tired of smiling. I am tired of trying to “fake it until I make it”. It just is not going to happen. All I want to do is cry. I can’t stop thinking of “those” thoughts. Thoughts that I don’t want to be here “Earth” anymore. How I just want to end it because no matter what, it’s all shit. Yeah, I know I talk about hope and yadda, yadda, yadda. About how life is worth struggling through the bad parts to get to the good parts. A part of me still believes that, and I guess that is part of why I am still here. My moods have been moodier than ever πŸ™‚ One day I will wake up and be “good” with everything and have a decent day. The next day, I sleep all day and think of ways to kill myself. I have good moments and awful moments, not much in between.

I’m struggling, I’m drowning… While being watched and holding my arm up, hoping someone will grab onto my arm… YET AT THE SAME TIME, I am drowning and not looking up or holding my arm up, I am peacefully sinking to the bottom. I am so confused and lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am scared.

I feel like I am letting people down, because I’m supposed to be this strong person who has survived so much more, so much worse. I don’t want to pretend to be that person, because that is not me. I am hurting so much, and I am terrified of my own thoughts. Many friends have written that I look so happy since moving here. Well, that is my mask… And I use it well, as I have my entire life. I use it to hide. I use it to try and trick myself that I am happy. When honestly I am dying inside.

Where do I go? Where is “home”? Do I have a home? Where the f am I? I do not feel comfortable nor at home here.

Who am I? For some reason I feel I have lost my identity. I feel like an abandoned puppet. Lost in a crowd.

I want to be strong. I want to go to the beach and have a blast. So why can’t I? What is stopping me??? I don’t fucking know and it’s frustrating me.


21 thoughts on “And the truth shall set you free…

  1. Have you told Mike how you feel? I have seen that your not happy.. maybe because I am like you putting on a happy face but inside dieing.. If you ever need to vent I’m here for you Bekr. Ill pray this feeling passes we never really know how long they will last or if they will go away.. * hugs *

    • Yes, he knows. And when it gets bad, I let him know too. I give him a “heads up” that I may have to go to the hospital. I’m not going to lose this battle πŸ™‚ it’s just such a struggle right now. Thank you. Love you.

      • Ok I thought so: ) It really does help that you have him to talk to. I’m sure. my husband and I cant talk about it he just tries ignoring me or gets mad.. so your lucky there.. hang tough girl changes are hard for people like is lol ill be praying ❀

  2. Hey there… I can fully understand your thoughts, I can understand not feeling that you “belong”, or being where you should be happy but aren’t… I soo just want to hug you, yes others have told you and so will I, it’s going to be OK, when ??? I have no f’n clue, but if we all continue to believe it’s going to be OK then it must be true, right ??? … Never give up, you have such a great personality and such a bright smile. (even if you are fakin it, you are still helpin others to make it !!)… If you ever want to vent, I will be here… If you want to leave paradise and come to New England, you & Mike are welcome here.. Just please, don’t give up buttercup, we need you …. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} πŸ™‚

  3. Ok I thought so: ) It really does help that you have him to talk to. I’m sure. my husband and I cant talk about it he just tries ignoring me or gets mad.. so your lucky there.. hang tough girl changes are hard for people like is lol ill be praying ❀

  4. maybe U should get one of those boxing things -it helped me til i tore my rotator cuff = feel like this Soooo Much-but like U say = I’m still here …having lost several people I ❀ to suicde = Uuugh my son last yr & my bro yrs before & others= made a "f"in promise -i wouldn't at least til my mas dead- but we all get there in time…find a padded room or the ocean swim til U cant swim anymore & then swim even farther = physical exhaustion !& let Ur self go ! Scream as long as U can ,but hope U don't like to sing = ruins ur vocal cords couldnt talk for like 2 weeks -even at the funeral 😦 …& I only used a thick pillow…..yell kick & scream & just Be Real . Good Luck ! ❀ HUGS & God Bless Us All

  5. Bekr, remember a couple weeks ago I told you that I had just watched all if your videos? Said I liked them? Well, I lied. I FREAKIN loved ’em al!!!!! You are such an inspiration to so many of us, and ya know what? It’s ok to feel crappy. Cause it will, eventually, get better. Do you have any stashes that Mike isn’t aware of? Have you ever read the book I Wrote This For You? Get a copy, download a copy. I think you would like this book, A LOT!!! And keep smiling those smiles, I told you your dimples are awesome!

  6. My heart aches for you, and I feel a kinship to you because I have been going through the very same emotions for quite a while. I have been wondering who I am, why I’m still here, and why it is all so, so hard when it shouldn’t be and doesn’t seem to be for others. I have been struggling to survive, to keep my head above water, and yet no one around me seems to notice. Even when I try to tell someone, like my fiance, they can’t truly grasp what is going on. All they see is the mask. I can’t help them see the ugly soul that is dying on the inside. I can’t tell them how they can help me because I don’t know myself.

    Now, I want to tell you what is so hard to believe right now. You are worth this struggle. It’s not fair that you have to go through it, but the way you have touched so many lives out there makes you impossible to replace. And even if you didn’t touch all those lives the way you did, with your honesty and your caring nature, I’m sure there would still be reasons why you are a beautiful asset to this earth. You are needed, by Mike and your furbabies and everyone else who loves you. And I have to believe that I am needed in my own life as well, that even though I am suffering and unable to get a firm hold on my identity and purpose, I AM still here for a reason that far exceeds any internal understanding. I hope you keep fighting, and I hope I do too. I hope we can see the light again soon. I hope we can find that “home” that we long for.


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