Do I Have a Choice?


Why have I not written in forever and a day? Well here it is, partly. One of my medicaments has got me stupid. Not really, but yeah. Great side effects. I already have ADD, so my attention span is awful and my focus, well if you have read this blog, you know my quickly my focus shifts. Memory loss, plenty of. Too much of it. The past few months I have noticed a serious decline in my smarts. Perhaps it is a bit of self-criticism, perhaps not. I don’t think it is though, I can tell the difference. I can tell by my simple posts on facebook. My grammatical errors when I re-read them. Yes, I do that. Maybe I just need to slow down a bit, that may help some. But I am not one to rush things. I do things at turtle pace. Actually writing this right now is helping me, perhaps I should do this more often. Hmmm…  I don’t because I start to think: why would anyone read this? I wouldn’t, I don’t have the attention span or patience to; who cares; does it make a difference; that is not the point though; people suck; I don’t care; etc, etc, etc. But now I have gone onto another topic. I think I was talking about medication side effects. I just cannot write anymore without sounding like an idiot😦

I LOATHE medications! I want to stop. Are they making a difference? Are they a lie? I will not stop taking them, as that has been a catastrophe in the past. But these side effects are really getting to me. I don’t feel ‘dumbed’ down, or numb. But the particular medication that is causing the ‘stupidy’ side effect is helping my severe mood swings. Or is it? I constantly ask myself that. Is it a war in my mind. Is this helping? Is it a placebo effect?

And please, FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER for those of you that do not believe in medications, I do not need to hear: try this or that. I have tried it all. I have gone outside, I have prayed to God, to the Moon Goddess, I have tried eating healthy, healing crystals, vitamins, exercise, blah, blah, blah. Don’t really need to hear any of that right now😉 Even if you mean it with love.

So to sum it up. Medication side effects suck. Severe short-term memory loss. Most of the time I have no idea what’s going on. What day it is, or even what month it is. I can’t write, as you have probably noticed by now. Well, I can write, but it may be slightly confusing. I am confused, sort of. BUT they are saving me, keeping me alive on a daily basis, soooo… yeah. Gooooo mental illness! (that last part was sarcasm for those that don’t know me)


What You Don’t See


You see a person who loves life. You see a person who is always smiling.











But what you don’t see is the person hiding underneath the blankets unable to get out of bed. Staying there for hours after waking up. The one that has to have her husband convince her to get out of bed, basically having to drag her out kicking and screaming. You would think she would jump right out of bed, get dressed, hop in the truck and go out for the adventures waiting for her. But no, that is not how it usually works.

She loves life. She loves nature and all of its gloriousness. Once she is out in the sun and beauty, it IS wonderful. But getting there is the difficult part. And there is also a recovery period. You would think there would not have to be recovery from such a grand time. But yes, there is. A day or two to rest. Sometimes more.

So what you see and what you may not see, is this person is me.

and I’m baaack!


I was never really gone. Yesterday was exactly what I needed. Staying in bed all day, decompressing. Just the ticket!😉 I am somewhat more “balanced”. I am done posting this journey on Facebook. It was exhausting and aggravating. When I am ready, I will do some sort of “sum” up post or something. Thank you so much for all of the love and support, and a great big THANK YOU to my husband, oh goodness! I am a full time job. I love you baby! I know we have lots of “moments” and I drive you mad too, I love you, simply I love you!

I still have so much flowing through this brain of mind that I want to share, and it will get out eventually when it is meant to happen. (I just re-read my mistake, but I choose not to correct my error here because I dig it :p)

Much love, peace, and happiness!

Lost and Confused


I am not okay and that is okay. I will be though as I am a fighter. It is so exhausting! I am happy, yet completely overwhelmed with sadness. It does not feel like “depression”. I have also had some bouts of anxiety. I just had one of the worst crying (sobbing) fits of my life, yet I do not feel hopeless. This feeling, this extreme mental pain, it is coming from a strange place. It does not feel like it is coming from me. Well it does, but doesn’t. If that makes any sense. It feels as if I am crying for the world. Feeling the pain of it, the dread and hopelessness of it all. I don’t know.  I have always had heightened senses, lately they feel in super heightened mode. Maybe I am just extremely hormonal right now making it a bazillion times worse. I have noticed a pattern the past few months, I really need to start keeping track of these in a calendar. It has been getting worse month by month. It is starting to become unbearable.

I am living my life the way I want to. Doing everything in my power to manage my illness. I have been doing so well for so long. Taking my medications as prescribed. I have a wonderful support system. I am sleeping well. I am using my coping skills, the good ones😉 . I am doing what I need to be doing. Things are good. I really am happy. So why this? Well because brain, and because I have an illness. Not everything is going to be hunky-dory all the time, that is just a given. And this is just another thing I have to accept. This is something I already knew. It just gets frustrating. Oh, and mixed episodes SUCK!!!

I feel the depression starting to creep up though. The starting to not care, the starting to not be interested in things… I will fight it! And I shall win! If not, then I will just crawl into bed for a few days and rest.🙂 I will NEVER lose hope!!!


Where Have I Been?


It’s been a while! I tend to do little updates on facebook instead of longer ones on here, even though I have so much to write about. Procrastinate much? Distracted easily? Perhaps a little bit, YES!!! Anyway, things are pretty darn good on the mental front for me right now. As far as physical health, I’m dealing. It’s morning for me so I can’t really brain right now. If it were midnight or later this update would be a novel and would be so much more informative. But oh well. It’s something, at least I made the attempt! Woohoo!🙂

Doing this on my phone and I can’t even find the post button!!! Argh!

Here’s the deal


I am slightly lost and confused. I haven’t showered in 3 days or so. Am I depressed? I don’t think so… Not really sure. Frustrated, yes. Things were very great. Health kick, eating healthy, was able to go walking every day even with my ‘regular’ pains. I have interstitial cystitis, polycystic ovarian syndrome and ovarian cysts. I’ve become accustomed to those pains. Over the past couple of months I have had some new issues, sort of. I’ve always had GI issues, but they have worsened, like seriously. Now to the point of extreme OUCH! I’ve been sofa ridden for the past few days, forcing myself here and there to do a few things. My appointment with the GI Doctor is not until November 24th (referred 3 months ago). Doctors aren’t really sure, it’s possible colitis, or IBS, I do have diverticulosis, which isn’t a problem unless it becomes infected or inflamed. To be sure what I have they will have to go in and investigate, lucky me😉  As if I haven’t gotten poked and prodded enough. BUT it could also be female issues, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. All I know is I’m in constant pain in that general area, and I’m getting tired of it. So until then, I guess I’m expected to sit around in pain and wait. My smile is slightly fading. I’m getting aggravated. I’m ready for answers and this to be over and treatment to move on with my life as I was doing. It’s like one hurdle after another. It’s always a challenge. Grrrrr!!! 😠 Yes, I really do enjoy being a medical mystery. And my body doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to do.

Brutal honesty here, and if you get grossed out easily, stop reading here. What do antibiotics do to normal bodies? Side effect. Diarrhea right? Yup… Nope not me. They do the opposite to me. Anyone else like that? They totally constipated me. (Doctor said I cannot take laxatives either. I am eating plenty of fruits and veggies. All I drink is water. I use ground flax seeds and coconut oil. There should be NO reason for constipation beside med side effects) Other medications too. They either do nothing or have an opposite reaction of the ‘normal’ population.

Anyway, I remain hopeful, and I will try to keep smiling even if it’s a fake smile. If I have to cry, I’ll cry. If I have to scream, I’ll scream. Whatever it takes to make it through the day without harming myself, I’ll do it. And no, I am not having any self harm or hopeless thoughts right now. Just totally aggravated/frustrated and I’m entitled to that 😋

Much love, peace and happiness 💖

What I have learned about my illness throughout the years and a short story


Yes, I have a sickness. What does it do to me? I get to feel extreme emotions. I also get to feel “regular” emotions. Right now I am happy and no I am not manic, I can tell the difference and my husband can too. It is not always this way, so I am very appreciative. I am not dreading and constantly thinking, “how long is this going to last, oh I know this is going to end, blah, blah, blah”. If that were the case then I really wouldn’t be enjoying the moments now would I? I am realistic though, and remain hopeful. If it lasts, it will last. From my mental history these come and go, just like the depressive visits. The depressive visits come without warning, sometimes for reasons known, some for reasons unknown. That is the nature of this illness. Sometimes they last years, months, weeks, days. Some days I do not get visited by depression, but by sadness.

I try not to complain, because I know complaining does not make a difference. Also when one complains that puts the focus on negative, that is why I like to be thankful about what is going right in my life. Even when I feel like total crap and completely depressed, I KNOW I have something to be thankful for. I have my sight. I have 10 fingers, toes. I can walk. I have hair. I have food… the list goes on and on… these are things to be appreciative for and be thankful for. By shifting my mind to positives and focusing on this, helps adjust my mind set. Yeah, I may still be depressed, but I am still thankful and am still a darn lucky gal for everything I have in my life!

Anyway, I was going through my journal the other day and found an entry from January 18, 2013 and thought I would share. The point of me sharing the journal entry is for others to see, that we can get through this. NEVER GIVE UP. Things do get better. It is a cycle though. It gets crappy. It gets better. It gets crappy. It gets better🙂

TRIGGER WARNING. also has a couple of curse words. Sort of a short story, after reading again I am thinking perhaps I have watching too many horror movies or read too many horror books😉

Can you see the pain through my eyes? Can you sense the agony that I am emitting? Can you feel the tears that are not falling?

What is this I am feeling? It is not new. I have been here before. Why does it have to hurt so much? It is so strange. To feel so much pain, so much agony… yet feel numb. It is unexplainable and so confusing. Why am I back here, why did I have to return to this forsaken place? I have crawled/scratched my way up this lifeless pit of misery many times before. So why does it feel unfamiliar… is it a new pit?

Are there different pits that I happen to fall into throughout my life? Are they reserved just for me? Why are the in my path at all? I do not need to be constantly tested for my strength. I know my strength and fortitude. I have taken many paths in my life with many ‘forks’. I have also had to make a few detours, but I have always been able to persevere.

I know life is not easy. That there are many obstacles in our paths. But why does mine seem to have so fucking many???

Maybe I was walking my head held too high and failed to see the gaping black hole in front of me… But that is not like me. I do not walk with my head held high like that. I look forward and I pay attention to my surroundings and all of the people around me. And yet, here I am… again, at the bottom of the misery pit.

I attempt to look around me, I can tell I am surrounded by death and decay. I can smell my past, it is a stench that I do not care to ever visit again. Once again, I look around, but cannot see anything. I am in complete darkness. I can sense this darkness, it is its own entity. I can start sensing its evil eyes looking upon me, longing for me to join them. It has many faces, many arms. I then start feeling the cold decayed fingers and hands reaching out for me. They grab at me, trying to get a good grip. As I stand there in total darkness, I feel various decrepit hands all over me… They grab at my arms, my legs, they are all over me. They struggle because they are weak, yet have some strength because they know the darkness, they live here, they are in their element. And they are lonely, they want/long/crave for another soul. They want to feed off of me, they want my hope, my life, my being. They need it, they must have it. I just stand there, stuck in fear and amazement, I do not fight them. I can now ‘hear’ them beckoning and pleading for me to join them. In unison they ‘tell’ me that I should join them, that they can take all of my pain, misery and agony away. They ‘say’ that I do not have to feel this way, they can make it all better, make all of it disappear. All they ask of me is to completely surrender to them, to let myself go, and they will take care of the rest. As I listen closely, I hear evil shrieking and angelic sounds. I then realize these are not voices at all, these are not human voices speaking to me. I also realize there are no sounds coming from their putrid mouths. They are communicating to me through my mind. They are in my mind. They can feel everything I am feeling and it excites them. They are feeding off my fear, my pain, my agony, my confusion and what little hope I have left.

As I stand there, I can feel them consuming the life out of me. I am not fighting them, I am allowing this. As they are consuming my being, I slowly start to feel relief, a sort of peaceful feeling starts coursing through every ounce my being. I feel home. I feel I am where I belong. This is it. This is not only the answer, but the feeling of relief I have been searching for. I just stand there and let them have their way with me. They are all greedily sucking all of my pain, my agony, my hope.

Suddenly I feel a dampness on my face, I am crying, I can feel the tears rolling out of my eyes. This snaps me back to ‘reality’, I ‘wake’ up in a daze and realize where I am and what is happening. I happen to look up and see a flicker of light. The longer I stare up, the brighter the flicker gets, it is glowing. This terrifies the creatures, I then realize they are extremely scared of light.

I make the decision to have them stop feeding off of me. I am not giving them my being. My hope, my fear, my agony and pain… those all belong to me, not them. These are all part of who I am. It is not theirs to take.

I realize the longer I stare up directly into the light, that I am controlling how bright it gets. So I use every ounce of hope left inside of me to make that flicker  turn into a mass of light. I can feel the heat from it, it is comforting and welcoming. Everything these creatures had sucked out of me was flowing back into my pores. All of my hope was coming back, along with my fear, pain and agony. The mass of light exploded, harming all of the creatures making them retreat back into the darkness. I could ‘hear’ the shrieks, I could tell they were angry and in pain. And just like that they were gone. I could not feel or sense them any longer.

Just then a ladder made of hopes and dreams appeared before me. When I touched this ladder my fingers/hand went right through it, this ladder was not solid. I did that a few times. There was no way I could climb out of here on this thing. It was not ‘real’. I knew what I had to do, I had to believe. So I closed my eyes and put all of my belief and faith in this ladder of hopes and dreams. It then became solid, and I was able to climb my way out of that pit of darkness. That ladder was made up of my hopes and dreams. I still have enough hope and dreams to keep me alive, to help me find my way out of the darkness.

Out of the darkness, I now find myself in a field of nothingness. I am alone, there is nothing around me. It is not dark, nor is it bright, it is just enough light for me to see. To see I am alone in this field. I am not clothed, I am cold and scared. I am not sure where to go, or what to do. I see that the gaping hole has closed itself. I look around, there is no where to go. I am confused and completely lost. So I just sit and wait…

So that was the journal entry. I guess that explosion should have killed those creatures instead of allowing them to retreat. Not really sure why I allowed those suckers to survive.

I guess going through this is why I can appreciate being happy so much more. And why when I am happy I want to share it with the world.

Much love, peace and happiness! ~Bekr