Love, Life, Pain, Acceptance

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As I was in one of the worse episodes of pain of my life the other day, I stopped myself and tried to convince myself “you are not hurting, it is only mental, you are not in pain”. I repeated this over and over. It really didn’t work that well at all. I just got frustrated and kept crying and felt a bit hopeless. Eventually, thankfully the pain did go away, but it wasn’t from my self convincing.

One thing that took me quite some time to accept was learning to live with mental illness, that actually took over a decade. How to handle episodes, how to effectively manage everyday living with everything that it comes with. I still learn things all the time. Well first, it took me a while to accept that I had a mental illness/es in the first place. While it was a relief, it was terrifying. Okay, where was I going with this? oh yeah, learning to live with stuff and acceptance. You know that saying “we are only given what we can handle”? ugh, I loathe that saying! or other sayings like that. One thing I believe for me, which may be strange or sound strange to some, is I have been put through hell mentally first, to be able to handle this hell I am being through physically now.

Living through the depths of hell mentally for so long, the ups and downs I have been through, for those that know, is physically exhausting. It takes a huge toll. But that made me strong, it gave me strength. I believe it gave me the strength I need to survive now, being put through the crap I am physically being put through now.

I used to question, why am I being punished? What did I do, for this torture, for this mental anguish? I have not asked that question for quite some time now, nor have any doubts about that anymore.

Yes. I still cry, I still hurt. I still have brief moments of hopelessness when in utter agony of pain, but then I come to my senses. This is life. In all its wonders. It was never meant to be easy. We are here to feel. We are here to love. We are here to give. If only for a brief moment. Never take anything or anyone for granted, because in the flash of a second it can be, and will be gone. Enjoy, laugh, live, love…

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The Bangsident

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It has been a bumpy road the past few weeks, all leading up to an angry day yesterday. I guess. I was in a bad mood all day and couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror I would see anger and hatred. I guess just a self reflection of what I was feeling. The anger because of my mood, the hatred for the way I was being and letting it effect me.

I told my husband I was going to bed, it was way before our normal bedtime. I just wanted to sleep to be done with the day and because I knew what would happen if I were to stay awake. Well… I didn’t go to bed :/ On my way to the bedroom, I stopped in the bathroom and grabbed the scissors and went to chopping away with my bangs. Little bits at a time. Shorter and shorter. I couldn’t get them right. Oh well. I was mad at my face. I was angry with everything and nothing. I have this obsession with cutting my bangs when I get in this weird “mood”. Is it an identity thing? I just look so strange to myself sometimes.

Before when I used to look in the mirror I would see a monster. I no longer see that. I suppose I tamed that beast. Another one has taken its place.

Anyway, as I was grooming my eyebrows my husband walks in, sees me and starts laughing his ass off. I have no idea why. Then I start laughing. He didn’t notice right away what I have done with my bangs, it takes him a minute. Then he asks, “did you cut your bangs?” But we are both laughing so hard and don’t have a clue as to why. I tell him yes. Don’t know what is going on, so many confused emotions, crying of laughter. Why is he laughing? Why AM I laughing? I clean up my mess. We go to bed. I go to bed… not angry, with baby bangs.

Not really sure what the point of this post is. Maybe don’t cut your hair while your angry…

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Inspired

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Can I admit that I feel inspired by something I wrote 3 years ago? I feel sheepish 🙂 I do miss writing!
About a Girl
Posted on September 30, 2013

She was a beautiful baby, born into innocence and pure love. She was such a little character, everyone fell in love with her as soon as they met her. As she grew older, shesaw the evil and temptations all around her. It was extremely difficult for to ignore, she was surrounded by them (the evil and temptations) (and not the band)😉 She was not afraid of this, she felt at home, yet she was a little confused by the evils, because she noticed her friends did not see these evils, they did not see what she saw. And if they did, they did not tell her. Maybe they were scared as well.

Years went by, and she gave into these evils and temptations. She was hanging on by a thread, it was a miracle she made it through all of it. These evils that tormented and tortured her. No temptation was left a mystery. She did everything. She did not care about her life, not sure why. She was afraid of death, yet ready for it. She had lived in so much pain, she did not care if it ended. She did not think of anyone else but herself. Her family and friends did not matter. All she wanted to do was end the massive pain and hopelessness that lived inside of her.

The “evil” slashed right through her, bit by bit, piece by piece… it tore her apart, scarring her physical body and soul, until she was nothing but a pile of ashes. Her ashes stayed around, not sure of what to do or where to go, she just lingered.

Then after decades, all of a sudden a torrential windstorm visited her ashes and made her whole again. She was a bit perplexed and confused why this had happened. But it did happen, and that all that really matters. She was thankful, scared and happy that this “wind” decided to cross through her path, her ashes. She was reborn. The same person, yet different. Her eyes were completely opened to everything she had done. She was in unbearable pain for all the sins and wrongs she had committed. She felt like she did not deserve to live after everything she had done. All the pain and torment she had caused. She was able to look at everything she had done, and she did not want to experience anything like that again. She did not want to be that person anymore. She saw and finally realized how much pain she caused, how many lives she had ruined, how many she had tortured and tormented herself. She knew she did not do any of this on purpose, she would never want to hurt anyone intentionally, even though she did. Something has taken hold of her… mental illness. She had let it take complete control of her, let it tell her what to do. She thought it was her friend, since she lived with it for so long. It had comforted her in her time of need, like nobody else could. She trusted ‘it’. After all, it was part of who she was (or so she thought). It had been her worst fear and enemy, while it was comforting her and telling her everything was okay. At the time, she did not know any better. She believed in it, gave in it, gave herself to it. It was all she had. She did not know of any other way. It took over her life for so many years, it was all she really knew, it was that “familiar” feeling that comforts and destroys at the same time. It took complete control of her life, because she let it. Inside she did feel awful, she “knew” and “felt” her actions were not “normal”. She hated causing so much pain and torment. It still tries to make its way back into her life. Occasionally she gives into it, because it is just so easy. Other times she fights it with all she has, because she does not want to be the person she was.

It took her a very long time to accept responsibility for her actions, every wrong she had done. This was not an easy task at all. One of the most difficult things she has ever had to do was completely forgive herself and be able to move on with her ‘new’ life.

She had lived for so long filled with misery and despair, she did not know she could ever be truly happy. She never thought she could move forward, because she was consumed in the past and everything she had done. She sulked and sulked, crying night after night after all the pain and suffering she caused to others. She was a good person, and NEVER meant any harm to others. So it hurt her so very much that she had so easily hurt others. She was able to manipulate others and get away with almost anything. With her innocent eyes people looked past her ‘wrongs’ and forgave her, although she thought she did not deserve ANY forgiveness.

Then one day (by some sort of miracle) she woke up. She was able to see clearly, the REAL her woke up. It was like a massive smack to the head (that was long needed). She was able to ‘look’ upon her past and everything she had done, and again, by some sort of miracle, she was able to forgive herself. She told herself, “that was not the real you, and you know that, you are a good person, you would NEVER intentionally want to harm or hurt ANYONE, this was something else. You let it take control over you, because you did not care nor know any better.

So she forgave herself for what she did and did not do.

Her ashes caught fire and rose like a Phoenix and she was reborn… a completely new person. A better person. A person who could “see” things. This was always who she was meant to be… Bekr. She was kept alive, time and time again for a bigger purpose, something bigger/higher than she could EVER imagine.

She saw and felt hope, love and promise throughout her body, it engulfed her. It radiated inside of her, and she knew she was a new person. She knew she was no longer ‘that’ person. She knew and realized her purpose in life. Her purpose was to spread hope, love and awareness about mental disorders to others. To those that suffer from it, to family members who have to live with it, for everyone. To teach, to be a mentor. (Something she NEVER she thought she would/could ever be, all she thought was she could be and was a bad example to all). But she was able to change all of that. It has become her mission in life, to try and save others, for not another person to feel ‘alone’ like she had.

And this is what she has been doing for almost 3 years now. She never realized how rewarding it could be for herself and others. What she did not know is that her words and writings could/would affect anyone. Much less, make a difference in any one life.

Again, I have so much more to write about. But I will save that for later. So… for those that have read all of this blabbering, thank you for making it through. Having ADD, I know how difficult it can get, especially when someone is rambling, which is what I feel this is.
Love you all, and thank you for following my misadventures, and being friends. You make a difference, whether you believe it or not. You have a purpose, whether you have found it yet or not. You are here for a reason, or many reasons. Okay, I will shut up now. B

Much love~ Bekr

Do I Have a Choice?

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Why have I not written in forever and a day? Well here it is, partly. One of my medicaments has got me stupid. Not really, but yeah. Great side effects. I already have ADD, so my attention span is awful and my focus, well if you have read this blog, you know my quickly my focus shifts. Memory loss, plenty of. Too much of it. The past few months I have noticed a serious decline in my smarts. Perhaps it is a bit of self-criticism, perhaps not. I don’t think it is though, I can tell the difference. I can tell by my simple posts on facebook. My grammatical errors when I re-read them. Yes, I do that. Maybe I just need to slow down a bit, that may help some. But I am not one to rush things. I do things at turtle pace. Actually writing this right now is helping me, perhaps I should do this more often. Hmmm…  I don’t because I start to think: why would anyone read this? I wouldn’t, I don’t have the attention span or patience to; who cares; does it make a difference; that is not the point though; people suck; I don’t care; etc, etc, etc. But now I have gone onto another topic. I think I was talking about medication side effects. I just cannot write anymore without sounding like an idiot 😦

I LOATHE medications! I want to stop. Are they making a difference? Are they a lie? I will not stop taking them, as that has been a catastrophe in the past. But these side effects are really getting to me. I don’t feel ‘dumbed’ down, or numb. But the particular medication that is causing the ‘stupidy’ side effect is helping my severe mood swings. Or is it? I constantly ask myself that. Is it a war in my mind. Is this helping? Is it a placebo effect?

And please, FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER for those of you that do not believe in medications, I do not need to hear: try this or that. I have tried it all. I have gone outside, I have prayed to God, to the Moon Goddess, I have tried eating healthy, healing crystals, vitamins, exercise, blah, blah, blah. Don’t really need to hear any of that right now 😉 Even if you mean it with love.

So to sum it up. Medication side effects suck. Severe short-term memory loss. Most of the time I have no idea what’s going on. What day it is, or even what month it is. I can’t write, as you have probably noticed by now. Well, I can write, but it may be slightly confusing. I am confused, sort of. BUT they are saving me, keeping me alive on a daily basis, soooo… yeah. Gooooo mental illness! (that last part was sarcasm for those that don’t know me)

 

What You Don’t See

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You see a person who loves life. You see a person who is always smiling.

me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But what you don’t see is the person hiding underneath the blankets unable to get out of bed. Staying there for hours after waking up. The one that has to have her husband convince her to get out of bed, basically having to drag her out kicking and screaming. You would think she would jump right out of bed, get dressed, hop in the truck and go out for the adventures waiting for her. But no, that is not how it usually works.

She loves life. She loves nature and all of its gloriousness. Once she is out in the sun and beauty, it IS wonderful. But getting there is the difficult part. And there is also a recovery period. You would think there would not have to be recovery from such a grand time. But yes, there is. A day or two to rest. Sometimes more.

So what you see and what you may not see, is this person is me.

and I’m baaack!

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I was never really gone. Yesterday was exactly what I needed. Staying in bed all day, decompressing. Just the ticket! 😉 I am somewhat more “balanced”. I am done posting this journey on Facebook. It was exhausting and aggravating. When I am ready, I will do some sort of “sum” up post or something. Thank you so much for all of the love and support, and a great big THANK YOU to my husband, oh goodness! I am a full time job. I love you baby! I know we have lots of “moments” and I drive you mad too, I love you, simply I love you!

I still have so much flowing through this brain of mind that I want to share, and it will get out eventually when it is meant to happen. (I just re-read my mistake, but I choose not to correct my error here because I dig it :p)

Much love, peace, and happiness!

Lost and Confused

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I am not okay and that is okay. I will be though as I am a fighter. It is so exhausting! I am happy, yet completely overwhelmed with sadness. It does not feel like “depression”. I have also had some bouts of anxiety. I just had one of the worst crying (sobbing) fits of my life, yet I do not feel hopeless. This feeling, this extreme mental pain, it is coming from a strange place. It does not feel like it is coming from me. Well it does, but doesn’t. If that makes any sense. It feels as if I am crying for the world. Feeling the pain of it, the dread and hopelessness of it all. I don’t know.  I have always had heightened senses, lately they feel in super heightened mode. Maybe I am just extremely hormonal right now making it a bazillion times worse. I have noticed a pattern the past few months, I really need to start keeping track of these in a calendar. It has been getting worse month by month. It is starting to become unbearable.

I am living my life the way I want to. Doing everything in my power to manage my illness. I have been doing so well for so long. Taking my medications as prescribed. I have a wonderful support system. I am sleeping well. I am using my coping skills, the good ones 😉 . I am doing what I need to be doing. Things are good. I really am happy. So why this? Well because brain, and because I have an illness. Not everything is going to be hunky-dory all the time, that is just a given. And this is just another thing I have to accept. This is something I already knew. It just gets frustrating. Oh, and mixed episodes SUCK!!!

I feel the depression starting to creep up though. The starting to not care, the starting to not be interested in things… I will fight it! And I shall win! If not, then I will just crawl into bed for a few days and rest. 🙂 I will NEVER lose hope!!!