I “found” my mind (update from last post) & Anxiety/Panic Attacks

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Of course it was where I left it :) On top of my head, hehe. Physically at least it was. My mind was in a few different dimensions while I was posting that.

Anyway, I did what I thought I “SHOULD” do instead of what I wanted to do. I told my husband “let’s go”. And we went to Red Rock Canyon and had a blast. I took many photos, it was tough terrain, so the climbing/walking up and down was exhausting, I was out of breath. But it helped with all the energy I had.Red Rock Canyon

The desk is still a mess, and I did not check my e-mail or Facebook blog. And the world didn’t end :) I will get to the desk tomorrow, and catch up on emails and facebook after this post. BUT I am just going to take glances, because I want to start editing some of the photos I took.

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Oh, and I wanted to bring up something that my therapist brought up, that I thought was pretty cool. Seeing it from a different point of view (that is something I DO enjoy when going to a therapist, they help me “see” things that I already know, but in a different way).

Anyway, we briefly discussed anxiety/panic attacks. And he said something of the sort, I am not quoting word for word because I do not remember. He said that people pay to have panic attacks. That got me curious. Then he said, you know those rides on top of the Stratosphere Hotel, they pay for “that feeling”. To have it for a few moments. But when they get off the ride, what happens? They return no ‘normal’. The adrenaline and everything else comes down. He said that our bodies cannot differentiate the stress from an amusement park ride, than when we are actually having a panic attack. The body reacts the same. He also threw in when we watch scary and action movies for good measure I guess. You know, you get stressed for the people in the movie. Our bodies are naturally reacting to the stimulus we are creating/giving it. Maybe next time you find you are getting anxious and are going to have a panic attack, think of yourself on an amusement park ride, your heart will naturally be racing, adrenaline going, and all “those feelings” that come along with the joys of panic attacks. Anyway, just imagine yourself on that ride, enjoying it, accepting it, going with it, not judging it and KNOW that the “ride” will end, and you may step off and then eventually come back to your ‘normal’ senses. I have learned that the more you fight a panic attack the worse it gets, and it just keeps escalating from there, because you are fighting a human response. Do not get angry or mad that you are having those feelings, do not judge your feelings/emotions, they are not right nor wrong. They are just feelings and you have every right to your feelings. I learned this in DBT class. The more you fight it the worse it gets. Once you accept it, it will pass. Another thing I learned, was to focus on what you are feeling, do not think about the past or the future. Think about the moment you are in, this is mindfulness (Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience. Psychology Today). I will post a few links at the bottom about DBT.

NOTE: This also depends on where you are having the panic attack and what is causing it. In some situations, you may have to remove yourself from the situation that is giving you a panic attack. Sometimes when I go to the casino, it gets to be too much for me, the noise, the lights, too much stimuli for me. So if I feel “that feeling” coming on, we leave, panic attack avoided. Other times, in order to avoid this, I bring headphones and listen to calming music (I don’t gamble, my husband does, so I just sit there). After a while you should notice what your triggers are and try to avoid them altogether. These can be events or situations. For example: I know one of my triggers is being in crowds, so I avoid crowds as much as I can. I also have a plan, just in case I end up in a crowd, I hold my husband’s hand, and either lead they way out quickly while looking down, or he will lead the way. Now if I end up in a crowd alone, I would probably just push through and get out as quick as I can. So if you can, try avoiding your triggers. And if you can’t avoid them, have an action plan to help you get through it.

NOTE: I am not a doctor nor a therapist. These are merely suggestions and what has worked for me. They may or may not work for you. If you are having a full-blown panic attack and feel you need to go to the ER, then by all means go. I know what having a full-blown panic attacks feels like (it feels like you are dying), and have ended up in the ER a few times myself. It is always better to be safe than sorry.

Helpful Links

What is DBT

Overview of DBT

Difference between CBT and DBT

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Where is my mind???

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Okay, I will start with the fact that my mind is completely all over the place. Today is Day 2 of starting my dextroamphetamine, and it is not helping me focus at all. Come to think of it, this may be the ‘normal’ cycle with me and this med. The first few days, it makes me extremely hyper, then I eventually calm down and am able to focus a bit better, although not completely. Anyway, I am writing as I am thinking, so this post may not make much sense. I find if I take a second to ‘think’ I get stuck, so I just have to go with the flow of ideas and thoughts… for now.

Yesterday I was in super hyper speed. I popped out of bed within 10 minutes of waking up, which I rarely do. I decided to do some cleaning, since I have been on the ‘low’ side of things, it had been a while since I did a full cleaning of the house. I vacuumed and mopped the entire house, which is all tile and wood laminate. Did some laundry. Then I decided to groom my dogs. I guess I should have looked at the instructional DVD first, because I had no idea what I was doing with those dog clippers. My poor babies :) They look okay, but have spots of serious choppiness. I plan on watching the DVD before I get to clipping them next time. It took me about 4 hours or so to clip and bathe both dogs. As I was clipping/shaving their hair, I thought to myself, ‘yeah, now I know why it is so expensive to get them groomed”. Anyway, I am trying to save money, so that is why I did it myself. It usually costs about $150 to get both groomed. So I will now become the doggie groom master.

I went to my therapist on Monday. It was my first visit with him. He surprised me in many ways. For starters he called both times I missed my appointment with him (which I truly appreciated and told him that). And, he introduced himself first and gave me his life story. Sort of life story… he told me why he decided to be in the psychology field, told me a history of his schooling and everywhere he worked. It actually felt like I was the therapist at first. I guess he was trying to make me feel comfortable, which it did. But I really didn’t have a chance to get a word out. But that is okay. He has had DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) training, which is great! So he told me to think of what I want to focus on our next visit. Which I will call our first visit, because this visit was not really a session, basically a visit. I was able to see him that day because they have that time slot scheduled for emergencies, and I had seen my psychiatrist and he was able to schedule me in to see him, instead of having to wait another 2-3 weeks for an appointment. Our next ‘first’ appointment is in 2 weeks. I will open up my DBT workbook before then and figure out what I want to deal with/bring up.

I have worked myself up. I was not this hyper this morning. Time for a lorazapam. My heart is racing and I am starting to shake. But that is also because I am thinking of everything I have to do. I am actually at my desk right now (I am usually on the sofa in the living room with my laptop), and it is a total mess. That is something I did not clean or organize yesterday. We keep the door to the office closed, so it does not bother me if it a mess, because I can’t see it. So I have been leaving opened mail and other crap on top of my desk. I file EVERYTHING, so I will get to that once I am done posting on here and after I check my Facebook Blog page and e-mail. What I SHOULD do, is calm down and realize that everything will get taken care of and that there is no need to freak out and get it all done at once. And maybe just finish this post, skip checking my Facebook Blog and e-mail and go out. My husband is off today and wants to take me to Red Rock Canyon to take some photos. Doing that, I KNOW will calm me down and help me focus and shut off my brain. Well, not shut off my brain, but shut off all the nonsensical activity going on up there and turn on my “creative mode”, which is calming, soothing and quite lovely.

Whew, so I really don’t know what I have written. It has not processed, I was just writing as I was thinking. So, if  you have gotten this far, without wanting to pop me in the head, then great! and WOW! And thank you!

I will probably read this later, once I have come down, and think to myself  ‘what the heck was I thinking or not thinking for that matter, and why did I post this?” It is kind of like drunk texting/posting. I put this in the same category as that, because I am so not in my right mind right now.

BUT, as I have said/written before… I want this blog to be as honest as possible. Well, me, I want to be as honest as possible when posting. So here you go :) Whether you learn something from it or not… I really do hope you learned at least one thing from all of this rambling. That is if it makes any sense to you. I did have a point to make when I started writing, but I totally forgot what it was. Maybe I wrote what it was, maybe I didn’t. Now that I think about it, maybe I didn’t have a point. But I am sure I have made one anyway, hehehe.

Soooo….. I will leave with that. Much love, peace, prosperity, hope, happiness and all that hoopla!!!

Self Sabotage?

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Went to my Psychiatrist today.

I told him I had stopped the Naltrexone and Dextroamphetamine. He seems to think I am self sabotaging by stopping these. He says that “borderlines” tend to do that. When things start going right, we freak out and not know what to do, so we self sabotage. I stopped taking them because I felt they were not working. He says, I should start taking them again, and then every now and then stop for a few days and start back up. That “feeling” that I initially had when starting these meds, that “zombie” feeling, the feeling of having no thoughts running around in my mind, he claims that to be what “normal” people feel. And he did use air quotations when he said “normal” :) I am willing to try this. Because of my history with meds. They work for a couple of months, then stop working. So by starting and stopping, it may help keep them working… I don’t know. We shall see. Hopefully that will work. I feel I may throw my brain and body into confusion by starting and stopping meds like that, but he is the Doctor, so I am trusting him with this. He said when he saw me 2 months ago, when starting the meds, I seemed/looked okay. Right now I am completely all over the place. I had a crying fit last night. I had this utter sense of agony and pain in my chest, that came out of nowhere. I wanted to other things (self harm), but I willed myself not to. It took every ounce of my being not to hurt myself. I then decided to go to bed early, that is my safe place. Can’t do much to myself while in bed, as far as harming myself goes. I cried and cried. I was aggravated when I went to bed, so I told my husband I wanted to be left alone, then went to bed. Once I got to bed and started bawling, I regretted telling him that, and wanted him to hold me. He eventually did come to me after a few minutes and held me. He knows me so well (for the most part). It was a good cry, and I felt better after.

I woke up this morning, and had to keep convincing myself to make it to my appointment. I haven’t been out of the house in 1 week. When I got there, I felt a little overwhelmed and wanted to cry, but I held it in. I just didn’t want to be around people, and there many people at the clinic. This is somewhat of a new thing. The fear of leaving my house. I have isolated much of the time, but just because I didn’t feel like leaving the house because of no energy. But now, I am getting this fear of leaving the house. Not sure why.

Anyway, I have an appointment in an hour with my Psychologist/Therapist. I missed the appointment I had with him on Friday because I did not want to leave the house. But luckily he had an appointment available today, so I don’t have to wait another month to see him. It will be my first visit with him. So I am sure I will be blabbering away, having to explain everything (life history) all over again. Hopefully he has read the notes and past notes, so I don’t have to completely delve into it. Not sure I want to do that. But I did take my dextroamphetamine an hour ago, after not taking it for a few days and am feeling a bit talkative/hyper. So this may or may not be a good thing.

Will keep you all posted. Oh and by the way, my new Psychiatrist seems to think I am more Borderline than Bipolar. Will have to ask him about this next time I see him.

New Therapist

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So the stubborn part of me decided not to go to my therapy appointment today. My reasoning: he is my new therapist, this would have been the 1st visit, and I did not and was not in the mood to explain/discuss my “life” all over again. (it gets tiring having to explain everything over and over to different doctors). For those of you that move all the time, I am sure you know what I am talking about

My appointment was for 11AM, and the doctor ACTUALLY called me at 11:27AM. I, of course did not answer, figured it was someone from the VA asking me why I did not make it to the appointment. Anyway he left a voice mail stating that he noticed we had an appointment and he was calling to “make sure you that you are okay, please feel free to get back to me”… “look forward to talking with you, take care.” Those were his exact words. Wow! Now I feel like a shit for not making the appointment. Anyway, I am definitely going to schedule another appointment, and make sure I get my butt there. Just by these actions, I can tell he may be a good therapist. It is extremely rare that I ever get a call from the actual therapist/doctor when I don’t make it to my appointments. Yes, I sometimes have a difficult time getting out of the house and making it to my therapy appointments. I over think things and convince myself not to go, even though I KNOW I SHOULD go.
Short story long :) … my point: I now look forward to my next (1st) appointment with him.

Many Useful Links for Mental Health

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What is a Mental Health America Affiliate?

Mental Health America affiliates bring together mental health consumers, parents, advocates and service providers for collaboration and action. As their national association, Mental Health America provides training and technical assistance to these affiliates on issues like managed care, mental health parity advocacy, depression and anxiety disorders education and children’s mental health issues. The National office offers local and state affiliates vital assistance in board development, fundraising plans and program implementation.
Mental Health America affiliates provide public education, information and referral, support groups, rehabilitation services, socialization and housing services to those confronting mental health problems and their loved ones. Many also provide family advocate services to parents and children with serious emotional disturbances, mentoring relationships for adults recovering from mental illnesses, and professional education to those working in the mental health field. They serve as local leaders in the support and development of consumer-run initiatives and primary prevention programs. Finally, affiliates strive to influence public policy at the local, state, and national level to assure fair and effective treatment to the millions of Americans suffering from mental disorders.

If you cannot afford mental health care, check out if you have a local mental health affiliate. They can help you and maybe give you some options. Many doctors work on a sliding scale and some even do pro-bono. It’s definitely worth checking out.

http://www.nmha.org/index.cfm?objectid=E422360D-1372-4D20-C8A0285839C8503C&search=yes

You Can Live Your Life Well

Welcome to Live Your Life Well, the website designed to help you cope better with stress and create more of the life you want.

Maybe you’re holding down two jobs or can’t find work. Maybe you’re the parents of young children or the children of aging parents. Maybe you face a rush of daily demands or one potentially life-changing challenge. Whatever your situation, we are here to help.

The non-profit Mental Health America has been working for 100 years to promote well-being for all Americans. Now we have put together the 10 Tools to Live Your Life Well. Based on extensive scientific evidence, these tools can help you relax, grow and flourish. They can help you Live Your Life Well.

http://www.liveyourlifewell.org/

 

Destination: Recovery

If you live with mental illness, you may be struggling to find treatment, manage your medication and cope with life’s challenges effectively. There is ample cause for hope. You are not alone, help is available, mental health conditions are treatable, and you can take practical steps to recover your life. Here you’ll find interactive tools and resources to help you better understand your treatment options, work closely with your health care provider, learn about the supports available to you, and start on your recovery journey.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/recovery

 

My Plan, My Life is an awareness campaign intended as a resource to help inform people with mental illness, their families and health care professionals about the importance of psychiatric advance directives.

Psychiatric advance directives are legal documents written in a time of wellness that express a person’s medical wishes in the event they are unable to make or communicate specifics for themselves.

They may help influence what happens to you during a mental health crisis. They allow you to specify considerations about your mental health care treatment and appoint an agent to speak on your behalf in the event of a mental health crisis. In some cases, you may also give further background information about how you have reacted to past treatment.

http://www.myplanmylife.com/

 

 

Feeling Good

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It’s been a pretty good couple of weeks. All of my impulse behavior has subsided. My medication switch is going smooth.

Nothing much going on.

Working out has given me so much energy. It feels great! I am making it a habit to work out every morning soon after I wake up. It is an excellent way to get the day started. Helps me feel motivated, and gets me in a good mood (for the most part).

I was having a pity party for myself this morning because I haven’t lost any weight this week. It was upsetting because I have been working out everyday. So I stayed in bed most of the morning and pouted. I then decided, I am not going to do this, I am not giving up. So I got my ass up and did my workout. And the rest of the day has been good. I am glad I chose to get up. This is normally when I give up on working out, at the 2 week mark, because I am not seeing the unreasonable results I set for myself.  I am not giving up! I am going to follow this through. I am determined. Just because I didn’t lose any weight this week means I should quit. I need to think of my long-term goal, the many reasons I am exercising in the first place. Weight loss is only 1 reason and not the most important one. I am going to focus on the other reasons and that should help keep me going.

This weeks personal goal I am going to set is to check into volunteering at the animal shelter.

Maintaining stability for me requires: therapy, medications, exercise, setting and keeping personal goals. When I have all of these going on I am good to go. Sometimes it is difficult to keep all of these going, but I know I can do it, because I have done it before. I know what works… Applying it is a different story. I am on my way up from a serious downfall (relapse). It has taken a while, but I am getting there. NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Bad, Bad Bekr

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Not sure what is going on with me. I am not happy… not sad… just kind of here, taking up space.

I stopped going to my DBT sessions, the group ones and the individual ones. Had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and did not go. I have lost all motivation. Well, not all. Went to the post office on Monday to mail a bunch of stuff for friends. I also dyed my hair purple. So now my hair is purple, red, and brown. It’s multicolored :) Thinking about going a very dark brown or black, but that’s another topic… Yesterday felt sick all day, didn’t get much done. Today I mustered up the energy to give my babies (dogs) baths. And I am thinking about going to watch the Hunger Games. Hopefully I won’t change my mind at the last minute, which is what I usually do. So, I have been taking baby steps in getting things done.

I have also started something new. Not good.  I have started binge eating. It started when my meds were increased. So I decreased them back to what they were because I did not want to gain all the weight I had lost. I stopped overeating for a few days, but then I started again. Mainly in the middle of the night. I will get up to go to the bathroom, then I raid the kitchen. Last night I had 2 bowls of cereals, some chocolate stuff, and then some ham. I’ve gained 10 pounds in about 2 weeks, not feeling good about myself right now. I did order some workout videos, waiting for them in the mail. Hopefully by the time they arrive I will have more motivation. If I don’t then I will just have to force myself to workout. I KNOW it always makes me feel better and it’s good for me… so why do I constantly make excuses??? It’s a love/hate thing.

Just taking it day by day…

making it through the day… and DBT

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Been running around all day. Went to the group this afternoon, and it was not what I expected. It is called PATHFinders Group and it is supposed to teach us mindfulness and other Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills. So this group is a training skills group. We do not talk or share feelings/emotions (which is what I thought it was). We are a “pilot” group, meaning we are the first ones and this is the first group like this. It is a total of 15 weekly sessions. 2 hour sessions. After about 1.5 hours, I was getting extremely fidgety and annoyed, but I remained in my seat and listened to what was said. I am going to give it a go, it can’t hurt. But the 2 hour thing, ugh, hopefully I will learn something for that while in the group :) I had canceled my DBT individual sessions, and am hoping to be able to get back into those, waiting on the doctor to get me scheduled back in. I had canceled because I was going through such a rough time and I thought it would make it worse. Yes, I know… but that was my reasoning.

Today ended up being a nice day. After the group I went to lunch with my sister and then we did a little shopping. Now just hanging out watching tv and doing laundry. I am feeling calm, which I am loving, since I have been so anxious the past few weeks. Even if it is for a few hours, I am enjoying it!! Hopefully it will last into the weekend and I can enjoy the present. Other than that, I thank everyone for all the love and support, it does make a huge difference! THANK YOU!!! I will keep fighting the fight! For now things are well and no need to worry.

I will keep taking my medications as prescribed and try/do as much as I can to stay “sane”. I have been letting my thoughts control me, and that has been scary. As of now, not sure how to deal with the awful self harming thoughts I have been having. They have been pretty intense.

I wrote the following last night, while in the tub trying to relax:

Where is all of this intense pain coming from? I feel like a lost puppy. I have survived/struggled through this long… for what? To enjoy a minute of my life, and then let it all go and float away? What the fuck is going on? I’m so confused. Why am I being consumed by these awful thoughts? They are getting stronger and stronger. More difficult to fight. It’s exhausting! How much more can I take of this? I’m scared of what I may be capable of doing. I don’t want to die! I just want to cause some massive pain/physical pain to myself. Nothing like I’ve felt before. I really really want to hurt myself badly, and I have no fucking clue as to why!! Do I even need a reason? What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Who/what the fuck have I become? This is not me… Not me… Where do I go from here? Who do I turn to for help?!?!?!

That is how I have been feeling. But I do not want anyone to worry or freak out, because I am strong and I am fighting this urge. And I know what I need to do if it keeps getting worse. Right now my sister is in town “babysitting” me. Once she leaves, if I still have these intense thoughts/feelings/desires to injure myself, I will take myself to the hospital.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Week 1)

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Already overwhelmed. I knew this was going to take plenty of effort on my part, but it’s way more than I thought. Already feeling a little discouraged. I am going to stick with it and do as much as I can. I know where some of the difficulties will be. “One thing at a time”… how to do that? I tend to want to do everything at once, or a few things at a time. For the most part because I get bored easily. But I guess that is what part of mindfulness is. I will be able to focus on one thing at a time and be okay with that. As of now, I am not. That is going to take lots of practice.

Today we did a meditation practice. I had to sit still for 5 minutes and focus on my breathing. I did it with my eyes closed, maybe next time I will try it with my eyes open. It was extremely difficult. I started freaking out after the first 30 seconds. I sat still, but my mind was losing it. All I could think of was “this 5 minutes is going to last forever” and I was dreading every single second of it. After about 2 minutes I started feeling a tightness in my chest. After the 5 minutes were up, I was extremely relieved, although I was still tensed up for about 1 hour. Having ADD doesn’t help. BUT, this is the first time I have tried this. And like with everything else, it will take practice (I realize that). I will have to motivate myself every day to do this 5 minute meditation.

The foundation for this therapy is mindfulness. Something I lack in certain aspects. Once I learn the mindfulness skills, I will learn how to apply them to all areas of my life.

MINDFULNESS

What Skills

Notice:

  •  Just observe an experience without getting caught up in it.
  • Have a Teflon mind.
  • Watch your thoughts coming and going like cars on a freeway.
  • Notice what comes to each of your sense.

Acknowledge:

  • Describe the experience to yourself.
  • Put a name on your feeling without getting caught up in it.

Participate:

  • Get involved in the moment.
  • Act spontaneously.
  • Practice accepting oneself and your experiences just as they are.
  • Take steps to change harmful situations and your unhealthy reactions to experiences.

How Skills

Without Judgement:

  • Observe but do not evaluate. Focus on the facts without labeling the experience as good or bad.
  • Eliminate “should” and “supposed to” from your vocabulary.
  • Accept the experience “as is”.

One thing at a Time:

  • When you are eating, eat. When working, work. When worrying, worry. When listening, listen.
  • Practice letting go of distractions. Notice them and bring attention back to what you are doing.
  • Multitask sequentially.

Be Effective, Not Right:

  • Focus on what needs to be done to meet your goals for that situation, not the one you wish you were in or “should” experience.
  • Don’t get caught up in “fair” and “unfair” or “right” and “wrong”.
  • Let go of emotions that don’t help meet your objectives, such as righteousness and revenge. “Give in” sometimes.

Adapted from Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan (1993). The Guilford Press

I must focus on one thing at a time… I must focus on one thing at a time… I must focus…

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

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Started Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) today. It was basically an introduction to what it is all about. I am looking forward to getting this going and improving my life and life skills.

Here is a brief overview of what DBT is:

There are 3 stages of treatment. Before the 3 stages is Pre-Treatment, which is orientation and commitment. I did that today.

Stage 1: Attain basic capacities

Eliminate:

  1. Suicidal and parasuicidal behaviors
  2. Therapy interfering behaviors
  3. Major quality of life interfering behaviors

Increase:

4.   Behavioral skills

  • Mindfulness
  • Interpersonal effectiveness
  • Emotion regulation
  • Distress tolerance

Stage 2: Reduce Post Traumatic Stress

Stage 3: Increase self respect and achieve goals

The modes of treatment are:

  1. Individual therapy…………. 1hr/week
  2. Group skills training………. 2hrs/week
  3. Phone coaching ………………as needed
  4. Therapist consultation…….. weekly

Right now I am doing individual therapy. I am on the list to start Group Skills training late February early March. The Group Skills training is once a week for 15 weeks. Seems pretty intense. I usually don’t finish things I start, so this will be a slight challenge that I am ready to take on. I usually don’t finish things, either because I get bored or aggravated, so we’ll see how it goes.