Category Archives: self injury thoughts

Thoughts we speak not of…

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*******EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING**** EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING*****EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING*****

I decided I wanted to write about those “thoughts” most of us have, but we never speak of, say them out loud. One reason I am sure is fear and shame. Who would comprehend these types of thoughts. Who could we open up to about these thoughts and not judge us, or look at us like we are “crazy”? I am only going to mention a few, because there are plenty. I am doing this so others can see/realize they are not the only ones who think like this. And there should be no fear or shame for thinking these things. They are just thoughts, not actions. We do not act upon them (for the most part). I also think we have these thoughts because we have such vivid imaginations, it is difficult not to. So, today I am going to share my “disturbing” thoughts with you.

I will start with thoughts I had as a teenager. I thought everyone was watching me all the time. Like ALL eyes were always on me. It felt really uncomfortable. Sometimes, I could handle it, other times, I couldn’t. Like while in crowds, it felt like EVERYONE was watching my every move and/or talking about me. Judging me, laughing at me. Thankfully, I ‘grew’ out of that. That lasted a couple of years, and it kind of just went away.

Another thing I always thought of was when I was in bed trying to go to sleep. I would imagine an intruder (murderer) breaking in the house, I would wonder how I would hide, where I would hide so he could not see me and kill me. I would wonder which rooms he would go into first, I would wonder if my parents would get shot while sleeping. Things along this line of thinking happened often. I did not feel safe in my home, I was terrified. This, I also eventually ‘grew’ out of. It happens every now and then, but not as often as before.

Now the following I have always thought of, as a teenager and to this day. Sometimes I hate having such a vivid imagination!

The latest one is seeing myself in the bathtub, slit wrists, tub full of blood and I am slowly dying as the blood oozes out of my arms. As my hair dances in the water, I just kind of float there, staring up, slowly dying… peacefully. Feeling all of my worries, concerns and fears oozing out along with my blood. (This one I was actually planning on doing, I was really feeling it, almost ready to do it, then I confessed this to my husband and that is why he decided to take FMLA to stay with me).

Other times I see myself hanging from a rafter or beam. Just hanging there, lifeless. I have searched around the house for something like this just in case I were to decide to do this. Thankfully there is nothing in this house I could hang myself from.

Another one is when I am in a vehicle, I see the car hitting something and me flying out of the front windshield, colliding and bouncing on the pavement, bloody, body parts here and there. I am still alive, I see myself standing there and an angel next to me, staring down at my bloody, disfigured body, slowly dying. I am not in any pain as I slowly drift off into an eternal deep sleep.

This one I do not think of often, I think it is the most disturbing of all. I think of pouring gasoline all over my body and lighting myself on fire.

Sometimes I think of bashing my head in the mirror, over and over, until I see enough blood to satisfy my need to see my blood pouring down my face.

Other times I imagine myself in a public location and a gunman shooting everyone in sight, including me.

Another one is me jumping off a tall building, plummeting to my death.

The overdosing on pills I no longer think of, because I have tried that one many times and the outcome was not fun at all. I also tried the gun thing and was not successful. I could not do it…. thankfully.

______________________

I guess the worse part of all of this, is that I can so VIVIDLY see it happening. Like watching a movie, they seem so real.

And the last one I will write is me at night hoping, wishing not to wake up. (I think that is a popular one among us, along with the ‘just disappearing”). The sad part is I think this even when things are going well. I wonder, why would I not want to wake up when things are okay, when I am feeling good and ‘happy’? It does not make any sense to me.

Seems these thoughts have become second nature. They just pop in when they want to. When they pop in and stay for a while, I try to distract myself so as not to think of them. We can control our thoughts. I know this. But I am 38 years old and have been thinking like this for so long, it is not an easy task to do. But I know it can be done, and when that day comes… well I can’t wait until that day comes, where I will no longer think or imagine these things. Or I can get rid of them the second I start thinking of them.

Until then, I will take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute to even second by second, if and when I have to. I will do what I can to stay alive. To keep fighting. I will keep struggling. To spread hope. To help others like me realize that they are not alone. There are many like us.

I am staying alive for myself and for others. You, my family, my friends, strangers, everyone. If I make a difference in one life, if I can save just one life, than I have served my purpose. Hopefully I will save many…

Until then keep hope alive! Much love and peace ~Bekr

 

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It’s Time

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History: I completely stopped my medications against doctors advice in February. I titrated off of them, so as not to get too many withdrawal symptoms. I was good for about 3-4 weeks. Then things started going downhill. My mind was not well. So my husband and family decided to fly my sister in to watch me for 2 weeks. So she came over, I was ‘okay’ for the most part. We had a great time, then she left. It has been pretty bad. My thoughts, my ideas. I made a ‘plan’ to kill myself. The intent was there at one point, but not as much anymore. I decided to tell my husband about the “plan” a few nights ago. He then decided to take Family Medical Leave to look after me. It has been 3 days, and I just realized I am not getting any better like this. I know my husbands intentions were well, but he cannot help me the way I need help.

Current Situation: I have not cleaned the house for 3 weeks, which is the longest I have ever gone without cleaning up. And I really don’t care, nor have the energy to clean. I have NO energy to do anything. I have had to force myself to do laundry every few days. I have not cooked, my husband has been cooking or buying fast food. I finally took a shower today after 3 days. I wore the same tank top and pj bottoms for 3 days. I did not leave the house, I basically stayed in bed and slept. When I was/am awake I was/am on the sofa. I don’t want to do anything, I find pleasure in nothing. I am just completely depressed and numb.

We moved here last November and I have a new psychiatrist and therapist, which of neither I really like. Long story short my therapist told me him and my psychiatrist thought I committed suicide. So, as he tells me this, I am thinking, if they thought I did this, why did they not take 2 minutes to call to make sure I was alive. I realize they have lots of patients, but seriously?? Am I wrong for thinking this? I do not want to see a therapist that does not give a shit whether I live or die. Plus, I think I pissed my psychiatrist off by stopping the medications and he has given up on me. Again, what good would it do seeing a doctor that has already given up on you. And that is why I have not gone to see either of them. I did see my psychiatrist to start new meds, he put me on the same meds and added Zoloft and basically told me there was nothing he could for me.

Sooo, the VA Hospital here is not open yet. I will be going to the Air Base Hospital tomorrow and see what they decide there, to send me to a civilian hospital (psych ward) or what.

It is time. I had hoped it would pass, but it hasn’t, and it is not getting any better. And like I wrote months ago, this is what I said I would do. If I did not get any better, I would go to the hospital.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been in and out of psych wards a million times, I know how they are and what they are about. Some of them don’t really help at all, they are like holding cells, but they keep me alive, and that is a good thing. I have not been to one in 4 years or so, which is a record for me, considering I was committed at least twice a year before 2009. I hate having my freedom taken away from me, but hey, it needs to be done.

I’ll be sure to bring a notebook and pen/pencil to write down ‘the happenings’ of my hospitalization :)

Much love everyone!!

TRIGGER WARNING: EXTREME LANGUAGE

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Rage

Fury
Hatred
Death
Kill
Burn
Maim
Blind
Red
Rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage kill kill kill kill kill kill kill die die die die you STUPID mother fucking peace of shit shit fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you stupid fuck stupid fuck stupid fuck stupid fucking piece of shit worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless Fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCKER ASSSSSSSHOLE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I DESPISE YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MEAT SACK GO TO FUCKING HELL DEMON CHILD FUCK OFF FUCK THE FUCK OFF GO THE FUCK AWAY….NOW LEAVE ME ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE I WAS TO BE LEFT ALONE LEAVE ME ALNE ALONE ALONE ALONE SCARED….

sooo,

UPDATE: I did type more on here, but it did not go through on my stupid phone. I basically wrote that my husband was setting me off. I wanted to hurt him with words, cruel mean words. And that is not something I would normally do. So I stepped away from him. ANYWAY, I took a bubble bath, listened to relaxing music and talked to my sister. I am better now. :)

 

The Darkness

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Can you see the pain through my eyes? Can you sense the agony that I am emitting? Can you feel the tears that are not falling?

What is this I am feeling? It is not new. I have been here before. Why does it have to hurt so much? It is so strange. To feel so much pain, so much agony… yet feel numb. It is unexplainable and so confusing. Why am I back here, why did I have to return to this forsaken place? I have crawled/scratched my way up this lifeless pit of misery many times before. So why does it feel unfamiliar… is it a new pit?

Are there different pits that I happen to fall into throughout my life? Are they reserved just for me? Why are the in my path at all? I do not need to be constantly tested for my strength. I know my strength and fortitude. I have taken many paths in my life with many ‘forks’. I have also had to make a few detours, but I have always been able to persevere.

I know life is not easy. That there are many obstacles in our paths. But why does mine seem to have so fucking many???

Maybe I was walking my head held too high and failed to see the gaping black hole in front of me… But that is not like me. I do not walk with my head held high like that. I look forward and I pay attention to my surroundings and all of the people around me. And yet, here I am… again, at the bottom of the misery pit.

I attempt to look around me, I can tell I am surrounded by death and decay. I can smell my past, it is a stench that I do not care to ever visit again. Once again, I look around, but cannot see anything. I am in complete darkness. I can sense this darkness, it is its own entity. I can start sensing its evil eyes looking upon me, longing for me to join them. It has many faces, many arms. I then start feeling the cold decayed fingers and hands reaching out for me. They grab at me, trying to get a good grip. As I stand there in total darkness, I feel various decrepit hands all over me… They grab at my arms, my legs, they are all over me. They struggle because they are weak, yet have some strength because they know the darkness, they live here, they are in their element. And they are lonely, they want/long/crave for another soul. They want to feed off of me, they want my hope, my life, my being. They need it, they must have it. I just stand there, stuck in fear and amazement, I do not fight them. I can now ‘hear’ them beckoning and pleading for me to join them. In unison they ‘tell’ me that I should join them, that they can take all of my pain, misery and agony away. They ‘say’ that I do not have to feel this way, they can make it all better, make all of it disappear. All they ask of me is to completely surrender to them, to let myself go, and they will take care of the rest. As I listen closely, I hear evil shrieking and angelic sounds. I then realize these are not voices at all, these are not human voices speaking to me. I also realize there are no sounds coming from their putrid mouths. They are communicating to me through my mind. They are in my mind. They can feel everything I am feeling and it excites them. They are feeding off my fear, my pain, my agony, my confusion and what little hope I have left.

As I stand there, I can feel them consuming the life out of me. I am not fighting them, I am allowing this. As they are consuming my being, I slowly start to feel relief, a sort of peaceful feeling starts coursing through every ounce my being. I feel home. I feel I am where I belong. This is it. This is not only the answer, but the feeling of relief I have been searching for. I just stand there and let them have their way with me. They are all greedily sucking all of my pain, my agony, my hope.

Suddenly I feel a dampness on my face, I am crying, I can feel the tears rolling out of my eyes. This snaps me back to ‘reality’, I ‘wake’ up in a daze and realize where I am and what is happening. I happen to look up and see a flicker of light. The longer I stare up, the brighter the flicker gets, it is glowing. This terrifies the creatures, I then realize they are extremely scared of light.

I make the decision to have them stop feeding off of me. I am not giving them my being. My hope, my fear, my agony and pain… those all belong to me, not them. These are all part of who I am. It is not theirs to take.

I realize the longer I stare up directly into the light, that I am controlling how bright it gets. So I use every ounce of hope left inside of me to make that flicker  turn into a mass of light. I can feel the heat from it, it is comforting and welcoming. Everything these creatures had sucked out of me was flowing back into my pores. All of my hope was coming back, along with my fear, pain and agony. The mass of light exploded, harming all of the creatures making them retreat back into the darkness. I could ‘hear’ the shrieks, I could tell they were angry and in pain. And just like that they were gone. I could not feel or sense them any longer.

Just then a ladder made of hopes and dreams appeared before me. When I touched this ladder my fingers/hand went right through it, this ladder was not solid. I did that a few times. There was no way I could climb out of here on this thing. It was not ‘real’. I knew what I had to do, I had to believe. So I closed my eyes and put all of my belief and faith in this ladder of hopes and dreams. It then became solid, and I was able to climb my way out of that pit of darkness. That ladder was made up of my hopes and dreams. I still have enough hope and dreams to keep me alive, to help me find my way out of the darkness.

Out of the darkness, I now find myself in a field of nothingness. I am alone, there is nothing around me. It is not dark, nor is it bright, it is just enough light for me to see. To see I am alone in this field. I am not clothed, I am cold and scared. I am not sure where to go, or what to do. I see that the gaping hole has closed itself. I look around, there is no where to go. I am confused and completely lost. So I just sit and wait…

~January 18, 2013, Bekr H.

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NOTE: I wrote this yesterday. I am obviously in dark place right now. I have been in bed for 2 days, which is extremely unusual for me. I usually am able to force myself up and do things. But not this time. I am scared. I am terrified of my thoughts and what I may do. Knowing that, I stay in bed. It is my safe haven. I wrote this story giving me a way out of the darkness. Unfortunately, I am still stuck at the bottom. But I can see that flicker, so that keeps me going. I am hanging in there. I know this will pass… I just have to make it through… I do not know how long this will last. I do not know reasons for feeling the way I do. I do not think there were any triggers to bring me here. I just don’t know. Until I make it out, I will keep writing and keep drudging through.

Self Sabotage?

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Went to my Psychiatrist today.

I told him I had stopped the Naltrexone and Dextroamphetamine. He seems to think I am self sabotaging by stopping these. He says that “borderlines” tend to do that. When things start going right, we freak out and not know what to do, so we self sabotage. I stopped taking them because I felt they were not working. He says, I should start taking them again, and then every now and then stop for a few days and start back up. That “feeling” that I initially had when starting these meds, that “zombie” feeling, the feeling of having no thoughts running around in my mind, he claims that to be what “normal” people feel. And he did use air quotations when he said “normal” :) I am willing to try this. Because of my history with meds. They work for a couple of months, then stop working. So by starting and stopping, it may help keep them working… I don’t know. We shall see. Hopefully that will work. I feel I may throw my brain and body into confusion by starting and stopping meds like that, but he is the Doctor, so I am trusting him with this. He said when he saw me 2 months ago, when starting the meds, I seemed/looked okay. Right now I am completely all over the place. I had a crying fit last night. I had this utter sense of agony and pain in my chest, that came out of nowhere. I wanted to other things (self harm), but I willed myself not to. It took every ounce of my being not to hurt myself. I then decided to go to bed early, that is my safe place. Can’t do much to myself while in bed, as far as harming myself goes. I cried and cried. I was aggravated when I went to bed, so I told my husband I wanted to be left alone, then went to bed. Once I got to bed and started bawling, I regretted telling him that, and wanted him to hold me. He eventually did come to me after a few minutes and held me. He knows me so well (for the most part). It was a good cry, and I felt better after.

I woke up this morning, and had to keep convincing myself to make it to my appointment. I haven’t been out of the house in 1 week. When I got there, I felt a little overwhelmed and wanted to cry, but I held it in. I just didn’t want to be around people, and there many people at the clinic. This is somewhat of a new thing. The fear of leaving my house. I have isolated much of the time, but just because I didn’t feel like leaving the house because of no energy. But now, I am getting this fear of leaving the house. Not sure why.

Anyway, I have an appointment in an hour with my Psychologist/Therapist. I missed the appointment I had with him on Friday because I did not want to leave the house. But luckily he had an appointment available today, so I don’t have to wait another month to see him. It will be my first visit with him. So I am sure I will be blabbering away, having to explain everything (life history) all over again. Hopefully he has read the notes and past notes, so I don’t have to completely delve into it. Not sure I want to do that. But I did take my dextroamphetamine an hour ago, after not taking it for a few days and am feeling a bit talkative/hyper. So this may or may not be a good thing.

Will keep you all posted. Oh and by the way, my new Psychiatrist seems to think I am more Borderline than Bipolar. Will have to ask him about this next time I see him.

Journal Entries 10- Sick and Twisted Thoughts

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December 11, 2009

I can’t handle my fucked up thoughts! So, I am watching a movie and saw a huge explosion and thought “wow that’s beautiful” then thought about taking a bunch of pills to be out of it and then pour gasoline all over my body and light myself on fire. How do these thoughts come so

 

 

 

 

 

 

easily to my mind. It is sick! Will I ever stop realizing how f’d up these types of thoughts are and take action. It is scary. And who could I confide in and tell? Mike would get so upset, and family would. I do not wish to confide this even to a therapist. Not to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

anyone. Not many could comprehend these thoughts. Even I can’t. I am sick.

June 16th,

I wrote this back in 2009, when I was still in a bad place. I do not wish to harm myself like that anymore. And to make a note of it, I NEVER wish any harm on anyone else.

I used to be so ashamed… well, still am, of some of the thoughts that go through my mind. Ashamed may not be the proper word, but I can’t think of another word to describe how I feel about these thoughts. They are not normal. I can think of some of the most twisted things without any kind of effort. They just come into my mind. I try to fight them, and say to myself “stop thinking like this”. But the fact is, those types of thoughts have always been there. Through the good days and the bad days. I will just imagine catastrophic events taking place where ever I am, and who ever I am with. I see it take place so vividly, and I hate that. Maybe it is just something I need to accept as being part of me. But it is just to twisted to be part of me. Maybe it’s because I have such a vivid and colorful imagination. I don’t know. I have no clue where these thoughts come from or why I think them…

Journal Entries 5

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I still confuse myself and am a contradiction. But I no longer need protection from myself.

Update: as of now, I do need protection from myself :/

I gained lots of weight within a short time frame because of my medications. I felt like an awful lazy beast.

As of now my weight has been shifting. I lose it, I gain it. It’s a constant struggle.

The Roller Coaster

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Where to begin??? I have issues with where to begin, as everything is always jumbled in my mind. I will try to make as much sense as possible :)

It’s been a pretty rough month. Medical issues and mental issues. I am putting the medical issues on the side burner for now, until I see a doctor I was referred to, will deal with that later.

Anyway, I have been up and down. My ups haven’t been really high, just kind of doing well I guess. I can find a little bit of happiness here and there. The downs have been the worse. I am at a new point in my life that I have never been to before, and it scares the crap out of me!!! Normally when I have reached this level of low, I have either been committed (hospitalized) or willingly hospitalized. Then after 3 to 7 days I get released and things are okay for a while. Well, I have been on my Happy Train for 2 years now. Things have been well and I have been able to handle things as best as I can. Some ups and downs, but nothing severe. I even questioned my happiness. Something I will never do again. If I am happy, then I am happy. Period. No wondering why or this or that. I will just bask in the moment and times of joy and happiness. I just had an epiphany! Maybe I should do that also with my downs and depression. Stop questioning WHY, WHY, WHY, when I was doing so good for so long, WHY do I feel so shitty now. Maybe I should just go with the flow and let it be until it passes. Assuming it will pass. It always has, so I do not see why it wouldn’t.

What I am scared terrified of though is what I may end up doing. I do not want to do anything I won’t have the chance to regret, if you catch my drift. I know what I have been capable of when feeling like this. I am not fighting the depression and sadness, I am fighting the urges to hurt or end my life. Like I stated before, I have never been here before. All the other times, I would have already done something and been hospitalized. That is what I am trying to avoid and skip over. Not really the hospitalization part, the self-injury/suicide part. This is a new place for me, and I feel lost and confused.

The funny part is, I know what I need to do to get/feel better. Get out of bed, get physical, get moving around, do things I enjoy. It’s the motivation part I am having severe difficulties with. I stayed in bed today until 5pm. BUT there was a reason for that. My bed is my safe place. I cannot do anything to physically harm myself in bed. If I really wanted to, I could. But I am not going to put that much effort into it, being that is what I am trying to avoid. Anyway, as long as I stay in bed, I am safe. Another BUT, while staying in bed is not going to make me feel any better. So it’s a catch 22. But for now, my main concern is safety. So on a morning or day that I feel I am prone to self injury I will stay in bed as long as I need to, to let that thought/urge pass on.

Okay, so I really do not know where I was/am going with this anymore. I have lost all levels of concentration and thought, so I will have to end this now. I think I have had way to many cookies for one day, I feel physically ill :)   (:

A beautful bloody mess

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The needle ever so gently pierced right into my vein

So effortlessly

I felt nothing

No fear, no pain

The dark thick red blood made its way out of my arm

Danced its way down into the cup

Drip… drip… drip goes the blood

Drip… drip… drip

No pain, no fear

Just me

coming out of my body

So effortlessly

So sensually

I was connected with my being

With all of me

All of my senses

I wanted more blood

I wanted to bathe in it

But that would require much more blood

and I do not know how much I could lose without

passing out, or passing on

Which is not the intention.

I feel nothing

yet everything right now

I think I like this feeling

I’m here, yet not

Where am I?

I’m floating, yet completely still

What is this I am feeling?

Serenity

Peace

Drunk with images of my blood.

Oh vein of mine

that has always protruded

making itself known

calling out to me

calling out for me

I heard you

I’ve been listening

and finally, tonight

we became one

You are me

and I am you

I understand now

Completely

I can’t wait for us to meet again

to be one

To see your beauty

You were so beautiful

Dark, thick, pure, so red, so perfect

flawless

making it through the day… and DBT

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Been running around all day. Went to the group this afternoon, and it was not what I expected. It is called PATHFinders Group and it is supposed to teach us mindfulness and other Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills. So this group is a training skills group. We do not talk or share feelings/emotions (which is what I thought it was). We are a “pilot” group, meaning we are the first ones and this is the first group like this. It is a total of 15 weekly sessions. 2 hour sessions. After about 1.5 hours, I was getting extremely fidgety and annoyed, but I remained in my seat and listened to what was said. I am going to give it a go, it can’t hurt. But the 2 hour thing, ugh, hopefully I will learn something for that while in the group :) I had canceled my DBT individual sessions, and am hoping to be able to get back into those, waiting on the doctor to get me scheduled back in. I had canceled because I was going through such a rough time and I thought it would make it worse. Yes, I know… but that was my reasoning.

Today ended up being a nice day. After the group I went to lunch with my sister and then we did a little shopping. Now just hanging out watching tv and doing laundry. I am feeling calm, which I am loving, since I have been so anxious the past few weeks. Even if it is for a few hours, I am enjoying it!! Hopefully it will last into the weekend and I can enjoy the present. Other than that, I thank everyone for all the love and support, it does make a huge difference! THANK YOU!!! I will keep fighting the fight! For now things are well and no need to worry.

I will keep taking my medications as prescribed and try/do as much as I can to stay “sane”. I have been letting my thoughts control me, and that has been scary. As of now, not sure how to deal with the awful self harming thoughts I have been having. They have been pretty intense.

I wrote the following last night, while in the tub trying to relax:

Where is all of this intense pain coming from? I feel like a lost puppy. I have survived/struggled through this long… for what? To enjoy a minute of my life, and then let it all go and float away? What the fuck is going on? I’m so confused. Why am I being consumed by these awful thoughts? They are getting stronger and stronger. More difficult to fight. It’s exhausting! How much more can I take of this? I’m scared of what I may be capable of doing. I don’t want to die! I just want to cause some massive pain/physical pain to myself. Nothing like I’ve felt before. I really really want to hurt myself badly, and I have no fucking clue as to why!! Do I even need a reason? What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Who/what the fuck have I become? This is not me… Not me… Where do I go from here? Who do I turn to for help?!?!?!

That is how I have been feeling. But I do not want anyone to worry or freak out, because I am strong and I am fighting this urge. And I know what I need to do if it keeps getting worse. Right now my sister is in town “babysitting” me. Once she leaves, if I still have these intense thoughts/feelings/desires to injure myself, I will take myself to the hospital.