Category Archives: motivation

UPDATE to last post

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UPDATE to last post:

I did not end up getting hospitalized. My husband took FMLA to stay with me and watch after me. I have been taking my medications as prescribed. I am not really feeling any better. The house has not been cleaned in over 1 month. I did manage to clean the bathrooms, because ewwwww. :) I have lost interest in most things. I stay in bed most of the time. I go 3 days without a shower. I don’t eat much. My husband does eventually force me to eat and shower. I have been wanting to write this post forever, but have not had the energy. It feels like all of my energy has been zapped out of me. I feel like a puppet hanging on the side of the door. I do not find amusement in anything anymore. I am just here. Every now and then, yes, I will laugh here and there and feel “human”, but otherwise I feel like a waste of space. I don’t feel useless though. I have not lost all hope, but it seems to be slowly fading away. A good thing is that I have not self harmed in the form of cutting or burning. I have had piercings, which has been my own form of self harm. That is what has kept me from cutting and/or burning or anything else.

My husband is doing the best he can, but I am not making it easy for him. I do appreciate him doing this for me very much. He is my angel.

I know what I need to do to get better, but doing it is another story. Getting the energy and motivation to do what I need to do seems impossible, although I know how easy it is. I could just force myself to do things, which I have. I have done the laundry, and other things. I just need to keep forcing myself to do things until I get back into a ‘normal’ routine. So easy, yet so difficult. I am sure most of you know this.

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I am a Lucky Woman

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I confessed to my husband last night about how I planned on doing ‘it’. My suicide plan. I did not want to really tell him, or anyone for that matter. But it was brought up and he begged me to tell him, so I did. I guess I scared the shit out of him because he decided he was going to take Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) for 2 weeks to look after me. I asked him “what about the bills?” He replied “You are more important.” I love this man so much and I am extremely lucky to have him in my life. We were truly meant to be. It is amazing that we crossed paths again at the time we did. We we ready for each other.

I could go on and on about how perfect we are for each other, but I won’t do that. Yes, things are not always wonderful, but they are good. We do have bad days, and they are pretty rough, but we always make it through.

So I am just hoping things will work out and we will find a way to get the bills paid, and work on getting me ‘better’, more on an even keel. I have been back on medications for 2 weeks now, they seem to be working… well… sort of. They do take a while to get back in the system to start working. I do need to stop drinking. I have been doing that a couple of times during the week, and I know alcohol messes with the medications.

So here is to new beginnings and never giving up hope.

Us back in the dayThis is LoveLoveHappiness

It’s Alive! :)

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The sound is not in sync with my talking… sorry about that, I do not know how to fix it. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy :)

If you want to see more of my videos, look to the right and there is a link to my You Tube channel. Much love!

House Cleaning ADHD Style

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I have not been feeling well enough to clean. A little bit of dirtiness makes this girl not a happy one. So today, feeling much better, decided it was time to clean up.

  1. Decide to clean
  2. Go to garage and get vacuum and steam clean mop
  3. Go back to bedroom and take sheets of bed and throw in laundry in laundry room
  4. Get vacuum and vacuum living room
  5. Light aroma candles
  6. Eat Reese’s Pieces, because I’m hungry but cannot stop to make an actual meal, because I’m on a roll
  7. Stop vacuuming and pledge furniture in living room
  8. Get vacuum again and vacuum under furniture and on top of furniture
  9. Arrange pillows to how I want them
  10. Stop vacuuming, go to bedroom and pledge bedroom furniture
  11. Clean bathroom (other bathroom will be cleaned once it has been fixed)
  12. Go back to living room and finish vacuuming
  13. Put laundry in dryer, put clothes in washer
  14. Finish vacuuming the hallway and bedrooms
  15. Get swiffer and pledge the wood floors in the bedroom
  16. Slide back on forth with my fuzzy socks on slippery floor for a little while
  17. Get mop and steam clean rest of floors
  18. Decide that I want to move a tray table that has been outside, to behind the sofa, so I clean it and place behind sofa
  19. Arrange of couple of other things
  20. Look outside and decide I want to pull up some plants
  21. Not very successful at pulling up plants, regret trying and now stuck with stinky fingers from plants (no matter how much I clean and scrub them).
  22. Take shower
  23. Have a bowl of cereal
  24. Plop on sofa, watch tv, blog and enjoy the cleanliness :)

This girl is happy :)

How do you clean your house?

My Life through decades of misery, mistakes and misadventures…

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bpgirl

Thinking about my birthday coming up next month. Decided to do a little photo collage of me, to make a point. I DID NOT think I would make it this far, survive this long. I gave myself an expiration date of 26. As I have stated before, it is a miracle I am still alive, but I am here for a reason. This is for those that are going through really tough times and are in a dark place. PLEASE, believe that it DOES get better. LIFE IS WORTH IT! Yes, I still have crappy and depressing times, but the important thing is KNOWING that those feelings/emotions DO pass. Just because you are miserable now, does not mean you will always be miserable. I am living proof that it indeed does get better and here to tell you all of this. Take a look at these photos… imagine them ending at 18 or 19… it is difficult isn’t it? YOU ARE WORTH IT, DON’T EVER GIVE UP!!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is okay to not be okay.

Much love~ Bekr

Today was a Good Day

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I am back!! :) I am feeling much better. I started feeling better on Friday, I was hoping it would last, and it has. Every day I wake up, I wake up in a better mood. So happy to be back to my ‘normal’ self.

Today I got up and cleaned the entire house, which was a bit dirty since I have not cleaned in about 2 weeks. When I get depressed like this, nothing gets cleaned.

It seems like every new low is lower than the prior low. Which isn’t a good thing. Hopefully I won’t feel like that for a while. I wasn’t quite sure if I would make it. I ‘knew’ I would, but was slightly doubtful. BUT I AM still here, and it’s all good. :) It was a beautiful day and I am happy to be alive!

Much love ~Bekr

“Falling makes you weak, but getting up makes you stronger. Sure you’ll have bruises, but they remind you why you didn’t give up.”

“You need to have a bad day once in a while, otherwise, you’ll never know what a good day feels like.”

“So next time you’re having a crappy day, call a friend and share your problems. If you are having a good day, call a friend, share the joy!”

An Organizational Mess/ Disorganized Organization

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Productive day! Made a list. Organizing desk. Took care of miscellaneous stuff/made phone calls. Did laundry. Started a Mood Chart. Paid some bills. And organizing other crap. I am in a very “organizational” mood. Trying to get caught up with my e-mails and messages on here. I made a list for the purpose of helping me do and focus on one task at a time today. Did not work, I went back and forth from one task to another, and I still am doing that. BUT I am getting things done. So I will keep making daily “to-do” lists and work on completing one task at time, start to finish, no interruptions.

Once I get that ‘handled’, I will start setting times to do certain things. Like check e-mails from 1pm-2pm, work on blog from 2pm-3pm… and so forth. Now, I have attempted this before… and it didn’t really work out. I bought a nice Planning Calendar, highlighters and colored pens for this. I still have all of this stuff. Yes, I color code everything :/ So that is one of the things I am working on, since I am actually feeling “well”.

I tend to get over excited about stuff and overwhelm myself with tasks, and get then nothing done. Therefore I am setting goals, and actually writing them down. And I am going to put forth the effort to stick to this plan… for now :) The important thing for me is to not completely quit everything. If I start to feel overwhelmed, I will take a step back, focus and prioritize.
I am going to have to write all of this in a notebook that I will carry with me everywhere. Because I have said and thought of all of this before, but never put in writing and I just let it go or forget. That is how I am and this is what I want to change. I NEED to start writing everything down. I think ‘seeing’ my thoughts and action plan will help me tremendously, instead of what I have been doing. Which is saying “I am going to do this or that” and never do it.

KEY POINT: To change certain behaviors, I have to change what I have been doing, because it has not been working. You have to change what you do, in order to change the outcome you want.

NOTE: WOW! I do not know what is happening to me?!?! I NEVER used to be so “wordy”. I was always straight forward and right to the point. From point 1 to 10, skipping 2 through 9. Now I am all about getting from point 1 to 10, including 2 through 9. Ugh! I used to get aggravated at people like that… and still somewhat do :) When someone is talking, I am all “get to the point already”. Can’t stand it when people drag stories out, now I AM one of those people. My mind is still a mess, but a somewhat organized mess (if that makes any sense).
Okay, that is all… if you even got this far ;)

NOTE2: I guess the dextroamphetamine is working (sort of) :)

I will leave you with some quotes to ponder :)

“The way to find a needle in a haystack is to sit down.”
― Beryl Markham

“Organization isn’t about perfection; it’s about efficiency, reducing stress and clutter, saving time and money and improving your overall quality of life.”
― Christina Scalise

“… I pulled out box after box, setting them haphazardly around the room. My organization lacked something — like, say, organization …”
― Richelle Mead

“An idea can only become a reality once it is broken down into organized, actionable elements.”
― Scott Belsky

LET’S DO THIS!!! Never mind, this is boring…

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So if you have been following my blog, you may have noticed that I start many things and do not finish them. This is how I have been my entire life. I find it difficult to finish anything. The only thing I have started and finished was getting my Bachelors Degree in Psychology, and that took 13 years to complete. But hey, at least I did. I was determined at the end. I was going to get that damn degree. And I also did and completed my Army contract. Probably because that one would have been difficult to get out of. But I am proud of that, I stuck with it. As far as my other jobs, the longest I lasted anywhere was no more than 1 year. I jumped from job to job to job… to job :) Then after a while holding a job became difficult. I would call in sick all the time, it was difficult getting out of bed, it was difficult to function. I decided to apply for disability, which was denied the first time and approved the second time. That, for me has been a life safer.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I started DBT when I lived in AZ and it was great. Hard work, but definitely worth it. Then, “life” happened and I stopped going, which is when I needed it the most. I wish I would have kept going now, but oh well, can’t do anything about that now. The VA where I live now does not offer DBT :( I do however have a DBT book that I bought many months ago, I have yet to open it. I have been saying this forever, I need to open that book and get to it!

Supreme 90 Day System was an exercise routine I started. I did it for about 3 weeks, then I got very sick for 1 week and never went back to it. :/

I get so excited when starting something. I really look forward to it. Then “something” happens. This “something” can be anything, I get sick, I get depressed, I get bored. They are all basically excuses, I know this. Yes, stuff happens, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get back to what I started when I “feel” better. It’s just the momentum. It gets going at the beginning, that rush of excitement so powerful, total motivation – I have it. Then a couple of weeks later, that momentum and motivation comes to a sudden stop. The excitement is gone and I become bored. Then I do nothing for a while, until I get that momentum/motivation back. It is a cycle, it is how it has always been.

So how do I stop this? How do I keep that motivation going. Do I force myself? I know with many things, I do have to sometimes force myself, and the outcome is usually the same… I feel better and I am glad that I forced myself do whatever it was. Knowing this, why is it still so difficult?

How many of you are like this? Do any of you have a system in place that works for you to keep you going, to keep you motivated, to finish what you started?

I have Bipolar Disorder… Now What???

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I always knew there was something “off” about me since I was a young child. I felt like I didn’t belong. My brain did not seem to work like my friends brains. It was a real difficult struggle when I was a teenager, I barely made it out alive. During my first hospitalization I was given the diagnosis of depression. I did not feel that was the proper diagnosis, but who was I to tell that to the doctor that?

I lived my life, struggling through… Some days were easier than others. I started taking college course in my early 20s, and came across a book by Kay Redfield Jamison: An Unquiet Mind. After reading that book, I knew.

Many, many years later I found myself at a psychologists office and she thought I had Bipolar Disorder. I was given many Personality Tests and such. After reading the results, she suggested I see a psychiatrist to give me a proper diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. So I went to mentioned psychiatrist, and was given the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.

I was terrified AND relieved at the same time. I did not know who to turn to, or who to tell. I wondered if I should be ashamed of this diagnosis. I also thought maybe I was being punished for something I had done wrong. I had so many feelings, thoughts and emotions about this.

I told my family and close friends, thankfully they were supportive and did not make me feel worse than I already did. I bought books and did plenty of research on the topic. Nothing could have prepared me for what was waiting for me behind the door in my mind. Years of utter mental agony and pain. Years of erratic behavior. Years of alcohol and drugs. Years of promiscuity. Years of being admitted in and out of hospitals and suicide attempts. Years of denial and trying anything and everything to try to make myself feel better.

Finally after almost a decade, I was tired of living with all of this guilt, misery and crying all the time. I was able to come to terms with this diagnosis, and accept it. Once I accepted this diagnosis, along with other diagnosis that came along the way, I was able to move forward with my “recovery”.  I am now living my life the way I want and on my terms.

New Therapist

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So the stubborn part of me decided not to go to my therapy appointment today. My reasoning: he is my new therapist, this would have been the 1st visit, and I did not and was not in the mood to explain/discuss my “life” all over again. (it gets tiring having to explain everything over and over to different doctors). For those of you that move all the time, I am sure you know what I am talking about

My appointment was for 11AM, and the doctor ACTUALLY called me at 11:27AM. I, of course did not answer, figured it was someone from the VA asking me why I did not make it to the appointment. Anyway he left a voice mail stating that he noticed we had an appointment and he was calling to “make sure you that you are okay, please feel free to get back to me”… “look forward to talking with you, take care.” Those were his exact words. Wow! Now I feel like a shit for not making the appointment. Anyway, I am definitely going to schedule another appointment, and make sure I get my butt there. Just by these actions, I can tell he may be a good therapist. It is extremely rare that I ever get a call from the actual therapist/doctor when I don’t make it to my appointments. Yes, I sometimes have a difficult time getting out of the house and making it to my therapy appointments. I over think things and convince myself not to go, even though I KNOW I SHOULD go.
Short story long :) … my point: I now look forward to my next (1st) appointment with him.