Category Archives: Journal

The Darkness

15
Posted on by

Can you see the pain through my eyes? Can you sense the agony that I am emitting? Can you feel the tears that are not falling?

What is this I am feeling? It is not new. I have been here before. Why does it have to hurt so much? It is so strange. To feel so much pain, so much agony… yet feel numb. It is unexplainable and so confusing. Why am I back here, why did I have to return to this forsaken place? I have crawled/scratched my way up this lifeless pit of misery many times before. So why does it feel unfamiliar… is it a new pit?

Are there different pits that I happen to fall into throughout my life? Are they reserved just for me? Why are the in my path at all? I do not need to be constantly tested for my strength. I know my strength and fortitude. I have taken many paths in my life with many ‘forks’. I have also had to make a few detours, but I have always been able to persevere.

I know life is not easy. That there are many obstacles in our paths. But why does mine seem to have so fucking many???

Maybe I was walking my head held too high and failed to see the gaping black hole in front of me… But that is not like me. I do not walk with my head held high like that. I look forward and I pay attention to my surroundings and all of the people around me. And yet, here I am… again, at the bottom of the misery pit.

I attempt to look around me, I can tell I am surrounded by death and decay. I can smell my past, it is a stench that I do not care to ever visit again. Once again, I look around, but cannot see anything. I am in complete darkness. I can sense this darkness, it is its own entity. I can start sensing its evil eyes looking upon me, longing for me to join them. It has many faces, many arms. I then start feeling the cold decayed fingers and hands reaching out for me. They grab at me, trying to get a good grip. As I stand there in total darkness, I feel various decrepit hands all over me… They grab at my arms, my legs, they are all over me. They struggle because they are weak, yet have some strength because they know the darkness, they live here, they are in their element. And they are lonely, they want/long/crave for another soul. They want to feed off of me, they want my hope, my life, my being. They need it, they must have it. I just stand there, stuck in fear and amazement, I do not fight them. I can now ‘hear’ them beckoning and pleading for me to join them. In unison they ‘tell’ me that I should join them, that they can take all of my pain, misery and agony away. They ‘say’ that I do not have to feel this way, they can make it all better, make all of it disappear. All they ask of me is to completely surrender to them, to let myself go, and they will take care of the rest. As I listen closely, I hear evil shrieking and angelic sounds. I then realize these are not voices at all, these are not human voices speaking to me. I also realize there are no sounds coming from their putrid mouths. They are communicating to me through my mind. They are in my mind. They can feel everything I am feeling and it excites them. They are feeding off my fear, my pain, my agony, my confusion and what little hope I have left.

As I stand there, I can feel them consuming the life out of me. I am not fighting them, I am allowing this. As they are consuming my being, I slowly start to feel relief, a sort of peaceful feeling starts coursing through every ounce my being. I feel home. I feel I am where I belong. This is it. This is not only the answer, but the feeling of relief I have been searching for. I just stand there and let them have their way with me. They are all greedily sucking all of my pain, my agony, my hope.

Suddenly I feel a dampness on my face, I am crying, I can feel the tears rolling out of my eyes. This snaps me back to ‘reality’, I ‘wake’ up in a daze and realize where I am and what is happening. I happen to look up and see a flicker of light. The longer I stare up, the brighter the flicker gets, it is glowing. This terrifies the creatures, I then realize they are extremely scared of light.

I make the decision to have them stop feeding off of me. I am not giving them my being. My hope, my fear, my agony and pain… those all belong to me, not them. These are all part of who I am. It is not theirs to take.

I realize the longer I stare up directly into the light, that I am controlling how bright it gets. So I use every ounce of hope left inside of me to make that flicker  turn into a mass of light. I can feel the heat from it, it is comforting and welcoming. Everything these creatures had sucked out of me was flowing back into my pores. All of my hope was coming back, along with my fear, pain and agony. The mass of light exploded, harming all of the creatures making them retreat back into the darkness. I could ‘hear’ the shrieks, I could tell they were angry and in pain. And just like that they were gone. I could not feel or sense them any longer.

Just then a ladder made of hopes and dreams appeared before me. When I touched this ladder my fingers/hand went right through it, this ladder was not solid. I did that a few times. There was no way I could climb out of here on this thing. It was not ‘real’. I knew what I had to do, I had to believe. So I closed my eyes and put all of my belief and faith in this ladder of hopes and dreams. It then became solid, and I was able to climb my way out of that pit of darkness. That ladder was made up of my hopes and dreams. I still have enough hope and dreams to keep me alive, to help me find my way out of the darkness.

Out of the darkness, I now find myself in a field of nothingness. I am alone, there is nothing around me. It is not dark, nor is it bright, it is just enough light for me to see. To see I am alone in this field. I am not clothed, I am cold and scared. I am not sure where to go, or what to do. I see that the gaping hole has closed itself. I look around, there is no where to go. I am confused and completely lost. So I just sit and wait…

~January 18, 2013, Bekr H.

_________________________________________________________________________

NOTE: I wrote this yesterday. I am obviously in dark place right now. I have been in bed for 2 days, which is extremely unusual for me. I usually am able to force myself up and do things. But not this time. I am scared. I am terrified of my thoughts and what I may do. Knowing that, I stay in bed. It is my safe haven. I wrote this story giving me a way out of the darkness. Unfortunately, I am still stuck at the bottom. But I can see that flicker, so that keeps me going. I am hanging in there. I know this will pass… I just have to make it through… I do not know how long this will last. I do not know reasons for feeling the way I do. I do not think there were any triggers to bring me here. I just don’t know. Until I make it out, I will keep writing and keep drudging through.

About these ads

The Inner Workings of My Mind…

5
Posted on by

I wrote this a few nights ago when I was trying to go to sleep. I was curious how it would come out and if it would make any sense.

Welcome one, welcome all! You are all invited into my mind once my head hits the pillow. I have to warn you though, it may get boring and repetitive. My mind “I was kidding, you may be physically exhausted, but I’m wide awake and will keep at you for as long as I can”. Me: shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I wish I had an emergency shut off switch. Things would be so much easier. My mind: should I go with my husband to his doctors appointment tomorrow? It is just a check up. I’ll go, he supports me with everything so I will just go to keep him company. Hopefully it doesn’t last too long, I have lots of non-important stuff to do… I’d really like to take some family portraits tomorrow, will have to convince the husband. Now where would be a nice spot in the house that would make a decent background. Will have to color coordinate our clothes dependent on the color of the wall. Maybe we should go somewhere else to take them. Will decide later. I want to wear my purple wig. But it doesn’t match much. My eyes are hurting, they are tired, unlike my damned mind. Still under the blankets I wonder what we are having for lunch/ dinner tomorrow. I didn’t eat much today. I still have some laundry that needs done, I guess I’ll do that tomorrow. I also need to organize the office and file stuff. And get caught up on emails and this blog. Make a few changes to my main blog.
Told you this would be boring. But this is exactly what I’m thinking. Gives a whole new meaning to “what’s on your mind?” Doesn’t it? This is my mind at night. Oh and I want to buy Ted and Frankenweenie, those are my 2 must have movies right now. Wondering what I will wear tomorrow if we decide to do the family portraits. I really I had more wigs. My last hair cut was horrendous, she cut it way too short and I can’t do anything with it, can’t style it. It’s a good thing I love hats and have a ton of them. It’s going to be fun editing the photos from today. I wonder when my husband is getting his W2, so I can get our taxes done. I wonder how much we’ll get back, if we get any at all. I can’t wait to get my birthday tattoos next month, I’m excited about it. Why am I suffocating under the blankets to write this? Don’t want to wake the husband with the light from the cell. I could easily get my butt up and go to another room, which I will because this is so uncomfortable. Even though I really Don’t want to get out of bed. Why is it always like this? I lay here fully awake while my husband is off in dreamland. Sometimes I was too lightly punch him, just enough to wake him up, then do that again once he falls back asleep, and repeat that until I fall asleep. I’d never do that though, just part of my fleeting thoughts. Hoping for a nice day tomorrow, today was nice, in the 50s-60s, with some clouds, which disturbed my pics a little bit, with the shade kind of made them one-dimensional, but I can fix that once I edit. I have been thinking about doing a video blog/ vlogging. I wonder if anyone would watch it. I’m going to schedule that in for my Friday to do list. So now that you are all probably asleep from reading this, I will part ways once again. Hopefully my mind can rest now that I put all my thoughts out there. Geesh, I’ve never written this much or been as honest with my journal. What is happening to me?

All of that took place in my mind within a couple of minutes. It just took longer to get it on paper, or rather my phone as I was typing all of this on a tiny keyboard. And I actually had more thoughts within those thoughts that I was able to write/type in.

This is how my mind is most of the time, especially at night. One thought to the next, just like that. I think I am going to get a special journal just to do this. Write everything down, every single thought, maybe it will eventually help… I don’t know. I will actually type in on my computer, because I can type much faster than I can write. There is no way I could keep up if I were writing. Plus my hand would get so sore. It is kind of crazy that when I physically write letters my hand feels funny, and starts hurting after a few minutes, because it is not used to writing anymore. Does that happen with anyone else? My hand feels “out of place” with a pen in it, it feels awkward.

Okay, so I started babbling again. Didn’t really want to go there. But oh well. :/

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

 

Thankful

3
Posted on by
Today I am thankful for having Bipolar Disorder, along with all the other mental illness diagnosis. No, I am not… no wait, yes I am :)
I really am. While it has been extremely difficult sometimes, and no fun at all, I have been able to experience the most profound of lows, and the highest of highs. Not everyone is able to experience this. I would not wish this on anyone, but I am not upset, mad, or angry for having this illness. I think it has helped me in so many ways. I am able to view life in all its beauty AND terror. I feel I can tap into things not everyone can. I have so much compassion for others and appreciate every single moment of my life, the delightfulness AND the awfulness. Had I not “acquired” mental illness, I do not think I would be the person and all that I am today. Yes, it took decades for me to come to this realization and radical acceptance. The important thing I feel here, is that I reached this point at all. Had I succeeded at any of my attempts at my own life, I would not be here. I am extremely thankful for those watching over me and not allowing that to happen. The lesson here is don’t EVER give up, no matter how bad it may seem or feel sometimes. You are loved and here for a reason!

What are you thankful for today?

Oh the Mania!!!

4
Posted on by

Oh the Mania

I feel the rush
the energy
It’s not sure where to go
It wants out
It’s tired of being still
The colors, the colors
how they shine
how they dance

how they sing
how they flow
The voices
All the voices in my mind
how they scream
how they yell
how they shriek
So confused they are
They all want to be heard
But how
How do they speak
to be understood
The emotions
how quickly they come
how quickly they go
What are all these “things”
I am feeling, hearing, seeing…
What are they trying to say
If anything at all
What would they say
if they knew
they would be
heard and understood
Would they say anything
or turn around in
terror and fear
Would they even be able
to communicate at all
Do they need help
Which side of the mushroom
should I eat…

© 8/27/12 ~Bekr

This Monster

1
Posted on by

This Monster

Anger
Where does this come from
I feel it within
So angry
This Monster
Rears its ugly head
It doesn’t like to hide
It doesn’t like to be suppressed

It wants to come out
It wants to scare
It wants to rip those near
to shreds
It wants to be left alone
In its host
This Monster
This Monster inside me
It wants to consume me
I am its puppet
And its Master
I need to learn
to control
This Monster inside me
… And I will

© (8/25/12) ~Bekr

No Rest for the Weary

5
Posted on by

My eyes feel weary
My mind is exhausted
I try to rest
I try to sleep
Yet my mind won’t allow it
It stumbles upon itself
Although so tired and ready to rest
Instead of shutting down

turning off
It goes into overdrive
Hyperspeed
All the while feeling
slowed down
The slowing down is due to
the lovely medication
Hoping for it to take
its full effects soon
And with that
I will switch my brain
to “off” mode, hoping it will listen
Time to reboot

© (8/24/12) ~ Bekr

At Once

6
Posted on by

At Once
What are these feelings
These feelings I feel
So much and so little
At once
I am confused
I am upset
I am angry

I am happy
I am sad
How does my brain
Handle so much
At once
It is a clear fog
I want to cry
Yet my eyes remain dry
My heart feels heavy
Yet it floats
Am I lost
Or have I been found
I know where I am
I am right here
But where exactly is that
Is it over here
or over there
Perhaps I am everywhere
That is how it feels
I am everywhere
Yet nowhere
At once
Do I stop
or do I go

© Bekr 8/24/12

It DOES get better… however…

6
Posted on by

This is only from my personal experience. I am not saying I am right or wrong, nor that you are right or wrong. I am simply stating this is how it has been and what works for me.

I have noticed that some people comment to my “it does get better” posts on Facebook of how miserable they are and that it will never get better. So I felt the need to write about this. Again, this is from my personal experience.

Life does get better… BUT it gets worse too. What I am trying to say is that once it gets better it does not necessarily stay that way. That is not the way life is. It is up to us to remain hopeful during those awful times that we think we cannot take another minute/hour/day. Keeping a positive attitude during those times has helped me through. If I were to tell myself “nothing is ever going to get better”, then it truly won’t ever get better. Having that kind of attitude will not get me anywhere. I know this, because I had that attitude/outlook. Once I decided to change my attitude because I had certainly had enough of living miserably, everything changed. This was not easy for me.  It was one of the most difficult things to do. This process took lots of self reflection and forgiveness. Forgiveness to all of those that had wronged me, and the wrong I have done. Once I was able to do that, I was able to move forward.

For years I lived in utter misery, I thought/felt nothing would ever get better. I felt useless, worthless a waste of space. I was fed up with this, and decided it was up to me to take action and change this. So my outlook on life changed. I was worth it, I was not useless and not a waste of space. If you don’t think I have been to “that” place, of deep dark despair, read some of my journal entries on here.

What probably helped this process was being so close to a successful suicide. It woke me up. It basically smacked me extremely hard across the head and said “what the heck do you think you’re doing? This is not the way nor the time. It is not up to you to make that decision, you are not ready!”

Just as this illness is different for everyone, I am sure “recovery” is also different.

I also want to talk a little about medication. There are no miracle pills out there. Medications certainly help, but taking them won’t change everything for you. You have to work for it, you have to want it. And it’s not easy, but it IS worth it. It is a daily fight for us. If I have just one great day out of the entire year, it is worth it. At least for me it is. The more you work on it, the easier it becomes. It take practice and dedication, just like anything else. Sometimes our brains fight us and tell us otherwise, and it becomes too much to fight back, let it run its course. Nothing lasts forever, you WILL eventually feel better. Don’t depend on something or someone else for happiness. That is something you have to find within.

Yes, I still have extremely rough times and fall back into that deep dark pit of misery. But, now I KNOW that there is more to life than living in that pit. There is always a little light shining at the top of that pit. That little glimpse of hope is what gets me through those times. And knowing that it does get better no matter what helps. Life IS a roller coaster. It’s up to you to make your way back to the top. And yes, it may be to eventually fall back down. But again, you CAN make it back up. That’s just the way it is and accepting that has definitely helped me.

Example: When you think things can’t get worse and they do, believe that the opposite is also possible. When things are going well, more and more will get better.

Life IS good, even when we can’t see that or don’t believe it, it truly is. Just take a look outside. Take a look at those beautiful flowers and how wonderful they smell. Take a look at those gorgeous sunsets and the moon, and feel the beauty. Take a look at your children or in my case dogs, look into their eyes and see all the hope, love and life in them.

Sooo, in a nutshell. Don’t ever give up. Try focusing on what is going right in your life, even the smallest of things. Appreciate every little thing you have. Appreciate yourself. I have learned to even appreciate the bad things/times, if it weren’t for those things/times I would not have the strength I now have to make it through when it rears its ugly head. And finally, if it weren’t for all the suffering and pain I have had to endure, I would not be the person I am today. And I have learned to love that person :) She is pretty cool ;)