Category Archives: happiness

I am a Lucky Woman

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I confessed to my husband last night about how I planned on doing ‘it’. My suicide plan. I did not want to really tell him, or anyone for that matter. But it was brought up and he begged me to tell him, so I did. I guess I scared the shit out of him because he decided he was going to take Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) for 2 weeks to look after me. I asked him “what about the bills?” He replied “You are more important.” I love this man so much and I am extremely lucky to have him in my life. We were truly meant to be. It is amazing that we crossed paths again at the time we did. We we ready for each other.

I could go on and on about how perfect we are for each other, but I won’t do that. Yes, things are not always wonderful, but they are good. We do have bad days, and they are pretty rough, but we always make it through.

So I am just hoping things will work out and we will find a way to get the bills paid, and work on getting me ‘better’, more on an even keel. I have been back on medications for 2 weeks now, they seem to be working… well… sort of. They do take a while to get back in the system to start working. I do need to stop drinking. I have been doing that a couple of times during the week, and I know alcohol messes with the medications.

So here is to new beginnings and never giving up hope.

Us back in the dayThis is LoveLoveHappiness

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A Letter to My Teen Self

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Dearest Teen Me,

Hello, don’t freak out, this is the adult you writing this for you. :)

First of all, stop being so mean to your parents. They love you so much and are doing the best they can. Appreciate everything they do for. They are learning as well, you were not born with a manual. Nobody is perfect, we all have our faults.

Even though it seems that so many people turn to you and open up about their troubles, there are so many others that don’t and are actually going through the same exact thing you are going through and feeling. Do not worry about what other people think of you, what you think of yourself is most important. I know you don’t think much of yourself now, but you have many good qualities. You are a great listener, don’t you realize that by how many people completely open up to you? You are a good kid. Just because you have ‘messed up’ thoughts, does not make you a bad person. It is okay. And it is okay to cry, don’t be afraid to do it. You are also extremely smart, you have to believe a little more in yourself. You CAN do anything you put your mind to. Give life a chance, you will eventually go on to make a difference in many people’s lives. You have the power to make a difference!

I know you have an extremely difficult time opening up to others, but just try it. If you don’t like it, then don’t do it, but at least try it first. When you feel you can no longer handle life, seek help. Call the suicide hotline, speak to a trusted adult or a friend. You may be surprised as to how many people will listen to you.

Be careful, all of that risky behavior you are doing, the drinking and driving, the speeding and running red lights is not smart at all. I know you don’t really care about yourself, but there are others on the road to think about, and you could effect their lives forever.

Do not take any crap from men. You will have alot to put up with, but do not tolerate being disrespected. You have a voice, please speak up for yourself when you feel uncomfortable. Do NOT worry about them or what they will think, they do not deserve your worry and you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. I know you don’t respect yourself, but please learn how to. When you respect yourself, others will also respect you. Learn how to stand up for yourself. I know you have a difficult time doing this because you are so unsure of yourself, but you can do it.

Do as much research as you can about mental illness. Go to the library, check out some books about the subject. Talk to your school counselor and ask them about mental illness, and ask if they have any information they can give you. The more you learn about it, the more you will see that it is NOT your fault for being the way you are. You are not being punished for any wrongs you think you have done. Again, it is NOT your fault. The feelings you are feel are not wrong. The thoughts you have are not wrong. And you are NOT your thoughts.

So please when you start feeling worthless, just know that you are loved and appreciated by many. You are worth it and you deserve the best. You are much stronger than you think. There is hope for you, please don’t EVER give up. You will grow up to be a wonderful kind soul.

I love you,

The Adult Rebecca

 

What you would you write to your teen self? I think we should all write a kind letter to our teen selves.

Lessons Learned

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My birthday next week got me to thinking of everything I have learned thus far. Whether it was learned the hard way, the easy way, or I just knew them. Some of them are common sayings. So I decided to make a list of these lessons. One or two of these are not true, I know this, it is just me being silly.

  1. Parents advice- they were right 98.75% of the time
  2. Floss EVERY NIGHT
  3. The heart can be blind, so when your gut is telling you something, LISTEN TO IT!
  4. Live every day as if it were your last.
  5. 100 calories during the day = 300 calories at night (Midnight snacking)
  6. Be careful who you confide in
  7. Laugh as much as you can
  8. Acceptance is the key to many things in life
  9. Forgiveness is also the key to many things
  10. Guilt and worry are useless
  11. Complaining about something won’t change anything
  12. Appreciate the little things
  13. Appreciate everything
  14. Everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad. The bad may be preparing you for something even bigger
  15. Raising your voice or yelling during an argument/or anytime gets you nowhere
  16. Beauty comes from within
  17. “stuff” does not bring you true happiness
  18. Happiness comes from within
  19. The media sets unrealistic expectations
  20. Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.
  21. Although sometimes it may feel like it, you are not given more than you can handle
  22. Don’t cry over spilled milk
  23. It is okay to not be okay
  24. It is okay to ask for help when you need it
  25. Don’t take life/everything so seriously
  26. If you want to change something in your life, you have to take action, nothing will change on its own
  27. Contrary to what I believed, I did NOT know everything when I was a teenager (and I will never know everything)
  28. Learning is a life long process
  29. You can’t change other people
  30. You can change the way you react to certain things (makes a huge difference)
  31. What I think of myself is more important than what everyone else thinks of me
  32. Don’t hate
  33. Better safe than sorry
  34. You can’t make someone love you no matter how hard you try
  35. Practice what you preach
  36. Holding a grudge only hurts you
  37. Honesty is the best policy
  38. Snoopy totally rocks!!
  39. Give without expecting to receive anything in return
  40. Set realistic expectations/goals for yourself
  41. Have as much fun as you can
  42. Always be yourself
  43. Take in/accept compliments and remember them, and forget about all the negativity
  44. Misery does indeed love company
  45. Don’t let others bring you down
  46. If something seems/feels not right, it usually is not right
  47. Try looking at things from different perspectives
  48. Don’t put your hand on the stove right after turning it on to check if it is hot
  49. Keep an open mind
  50. Breathe/soak in the beauty that is all around you
  51. Don’t be ashamed of who you are
  52. Be mindful

Okay, I think that is enough for now :)

What have you learned throughout the years?

My Life through decades of misery, mistakes and misadventures…

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bpgirl

Thinking about my birthday coming up next month. Decided to do a little photo collage of me, to make a point. I DID NOT think I would make it this far, survive this long. I gave myself an expiration date of 26. As I have stated before, it is a miracle I am still alive, but I am here for a reason. This is for those that are going through really tough times and are in a dark place. PLEASE, believe that it DOES get better. LIFE IS WORTH IT! Yes, I still have crappy and depressing times, but the important thing is KNOWING that those feelings/emotions DO pass. Just because you are miserable now, does not mean you will always be miserable. I am living proof that it indeed does get better and here to tell you all of this. Take a look at these photos… imagine them ending at 18 or 19… it is difficult isn’t it? YOU ARE WORTH IT, DON’T EVER GIVE UP!!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is okay to not be okay.

Much love~ Bekr

Today was a Good Day

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I am back!! :) I am feeling much better. I started feeling better on Friday, I was hoping it would last, and it has. Every day I wake up, I wake up in a better mood. So happy to be back to my ‘normal’ self.

Today I got up and cleaned the entire house, which was a bit dirty since I have not cleaned in about 2 weeks. When I get depressed like this, nothing gets cleaned.

It seems like every new low is lower than the prior low. Which isn’t a good thing. Hopefully I won’t feel like that for a while. I wasn’t quite sure if I would make it. I ‘knew’ I would, but was slightly doubtful. BUT I AM still here, and it’s all good. :) It was a beautiful day and I am happy to be alive!

Much love ~Bekr

“Falling makes you weak, but getting up makes you stronger. Sure you’ll have bruises, but they remind you why you didn’t give up.”

“You need to have a bad day once in a while, otherwise, you’ll never know what a good day feels like.”

“So next time you’re having a crappy day, call a friend and share your problems. If you are having a good day, call a friend, share the joy!”

The Absolute Truth & Mental Illness “Recovery”

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WARNING: I WRITE ABOUT DISTURBING THOUGHTS AND IMAGES

I finally realized why I have been feeling a bit like a fraud and hypocrite. It is time to come forward and be completely honest with myself and all of you. You deserve the truth as do I.

I make all these posts on Facebook and write in this blog about Hope this and Hope that, Life gets better, la-di-freakin-da… Well, that is only the surface. Yes, as previously written, I did change my attitude about life, I did forgive myself for everything I have done, and released the guilt that had been holding me down for so long. And, yes, doing all of that has made a huge difference in my life. Some days, I do love my life, but other days, I don’t. I have written that life does get better, and also gets worse, which is the truth. Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies, that is just not the way life is. Life is beautiful, harsh, difficult, kind, and cruel.

I have written about my bipolar “recovery”. But I honestly don’t know how it is for others that say they are in a “recovery” phase and are doing well, because I haven’t talked to anyone about this. Maybe feeling recovered is different for everyone. Maybe there are different levels of recovery, who knows??? I sure don’t. Maybe my “recovery” is “normal”, and by “normal” I mean, it may be like this for other people with bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses.

I see myself in 3 layers, these layers are constantly changing. Currently, the top layer is the happy hopeful one. The middle one is the reasoning one, and the bottom is the “bipolar” one. Sort of like a poisonous 3 layer cake. The top layer being the frosting, it is safe to take a bite out of, it is sweet, it will not hurt or harm you, you enjoy it. The middle layer is basically just there to be the middle, it balances the top layer from the bottom layer. And the bottom layer is poisonous, you take a bite out of it, it will harm/hurt you, may even lead you to death depending on how much you eat.

So far, I have only been showing the top layer. The layer that is hopeful and always smiling. I have written a few blogs about bad days and bad times, but for the most part, I stick to the good days. The layer below the hope and smiles, is the middle layer, the reasonable/reasoning layer. It knows that I cannot be happy all the time, nor depressed all the time. It knows that life is constantly challenging, and sometimes has control to “decide” which way to go. Either to the top layer or the bottom layer. The bottom layer is my “bipolar” layer. It is dark, angry, frustrated, sad… It does not reason, it does not care about much, it hates everything. It likes to take complete control sometimes. It is a sneaky little sucker. Sometimes, slowly making its way to become top layer, other times just exploding its way within seconds to become the top layer.

My point is that while I say I am doing and feeling well, the truth is, yes, I may be feeling well, but deep down inside I still feel a little bit of hopelessness, and that desire to die. I don’t feel like I have been lying to you all, I just have been leaving out particular details. But leaving out details is sort of lying, isn’t it? It is not the total truth. I have my reasons for leaving out these particular details. I think I was lying to myself more so than anything and didn’t want to come to the realization that I may never quite truly be completely “better”. Maybe I was scared, and did not want to accept that… I don’t know.

Even when I am doing well, I still have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately they are always there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes, those thoughts make themselves known, other times they just chill and hang out back there. BUT they are just thoughts. I would never act upon them. When I get extremely angry those thoughts then become desires and then I start imagining ways to “go”. I try my hardest to not let these thoughts/desires take control. Sometimes it is real difficult, I just stop reasoning and caring (I am in the poisonous layer). What helps me at these times, is that my husband knows when I get like this and he does not leave my side, and then these “desires” eventually do pass. To be honest, if he were to leave me if I were in this mindset, I do not know what I would do. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that, because he knows better than to leave me alone at these times.

Sometimes I go to bed and wish that I “go” in my sleep and never wake up. YES, I still have these thoughts, even though I am feeling okay. I honestly do not know why. Maybe I have been thinking like this for so long, that it is only natural for me to still think this way, it has become a second nature. I still have catastrophic thoughts too. When in a vehicle, I imagine a wreck, crashing into a wall or anything and me flying through the window, blood and guts everywhere, to my death. I see myself, all bloody and disfigured. These thoughts are disturbing to me, yet also calming. I imagine an airplane exploding and plummeting to my house, landing where ever it is that I am and crushing me to death. I have an extremely vivid imagination. These are only a few of my disturbing thoughts, believe me there are many more.

I may be happy, but I still hurt inside, I still feel that agonizing pain of just being. I cannot explain it, nor why I would still feel this way when I am happy. It just is. Sometimes when I am completely and utterly happy, I can feel it in my chest, a complete fullness and it makes me want to cry, happy tears though. During these particular happy moments, I do not have any of those disturbing thoughts or the suicidal thoughts. But these truly happy moments do not last long. They range from hours to 1 day to 1 week. I LOVE it when I feel like this. It is such a wonderful feeling. So the point here is, that there ARE times when I am completely and utterly happy, and it is these moments, whether they last 1 day or 1 week out of an entire year, make it worth struggling through all the other bull shit. At least for me it is. Just 1 day of complete happiness, is worth 364 days of struggle.

So, there it is. The complete and honest truth… all of it. My mind is scatterbrained much of the time, so I try to make as much sense as I can when writing, hoping the flow of my thoughts make sense when written down. And while I am writing I sometimes forget some thoughts or ideas I was going to write about, like now, I totally forgot what I was going to write about, hoping that it will come back to my mind…

Okay, I remember what else I wanted to write about. I know lots of stuff I write about may contradict what I write at other times. But that is the way I am. Bipolar is defined as: having or relating to two poles or extremities. So being contradictory is natural for me. Although by definition being contradictory is a proposition so related to another that if either of the two is true the other is false and if either is false the other must be true, is not the case for me. I believe both cases to be true to a certain extent. Am I making any sense? So maybe I am not contradicting myself. I don’t know… as usual, now I am just blabbering :)

Hopefully my point came across and not found to be offensive to anyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Note: This just took me a long time to write, I do not feel like proofreading it, so excuse any spelling or grammatical errors (which I tend to be anal about most of the time) :)

I have Bipolar Disorder… Now What???

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I always knew there was something “off” about me since I was a young child. I felt like I didn’t belong. My brain did not seem to work like my friends brains. It was a real difficult struggle when I was a teenager, I barely made it out alive. During my first hospitalization I was given the diagnosis of depression. I did not feel that was the proper diagnosis, but who was I to tell that to the doctor that?

I lived my life, struggling through… Some days were easier than others. I started taking college course in my early 20s, and came across a book by Kay Redfield Jamison: An Unquiet Mind. After reading that book, I knew.

Many, many years later I found myself at a psychologists office and she thought I had Bipolar Disorder. I was given many Personality Tests and such. After reading the results, she suggested I see a psychiatrist to give me a proper diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. So I went to mentioned psychiatrist, and was given the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.

I was terrified AND relieved at the same time. I did not know who to turn to, or who to tell. I wondered if I should be ashamed of this diagnosis. I also thought maybe I was being punished for something I had done wrong. I had so many feelings, thoughts and emotions about this.

I told my family and close friends, thankfully they were supportive and did not make me feel worse than I already did. I bought books and did plenty of research on the topic. Nothing could have prepared me for what was waiting for me behind the door in my mind. Years of utter mental agony and pain. Years of erratic behavior. Years of alcohol and drugs. Years of promiscuity. Years of being admitted in and out of hospitals and suicide attempts. Years of denial and trying anything and everything to try to make myself feel better.

Finally after almost a decade, I was tired of living with all of this guilt, misery and crying all the time. I was able to come to terms with this diagnosis, and accept it. Once I accepted this diagnosis, along with other diagnosis that came along the way, I was able to move forward with my “recovery”.  I am now living my life the way I want and on my terms.

Bipolar Girl tells it like it is (3)

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Bipolar Girls tells it like it is:
Nothing is going to change unless you really want it to change. Things are not going to magically change for you no matter how much you wish for it. Constantly complaining about something is NOT going to make it change or go away. Take action, it is up to YOU and nobody else! So stop complaining and start doing!!! You CAN do it! :) ~Bekr