Category Archives: Gratitude

Lessons Learned

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My birthday next week got me to thinking of everything I have learned thus far. Whether it was learned the hard way, the easy way, or I just knew them. Some of them are common sayings. So I decided to make a list of these lessons. One or two of these are not true, I know this, it is just me being silly.

  1. Parents advice- they were right 98.75% of the time
  2. Floss EVERY NIGHT
  3. The heart can be blind, so when your gut is telling you something, LISTEN TO IT!
  4. Live every day as if it were your last.
  5. 100 calories during the day = 300 calories at night (Midnight snacking)
  6. Be careful who you confide in
  7. Laugh as much as you can
  8. Acceptance is the key to many things in life
  9. Forgiveness is also the key to many things
  10. Guilt and worry are useless
  11. Complaining about something won’t change anything
  12. Appreciate the little things
  13. Appreciate everything
  14. Everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad. The bad may be preparing you for something even bigger
  15. Raising your voice or yelling during an argument/or anytime gets you nowhere
  16. Beauty comes from within
  17. “stuff” does not bring you true happiness
  18. Happiness comes from within
  19. The media sets unrealistic expectations
  20. Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.
  21. Although sometimes it may feel like it, you are not given more than you can handle
  22. Don’t cry over spilled milk
  23. It is okay to not be okay
  24. It is okay to ask for help when you need it
  25. Don’t take life/everything so seriously
  26. If you want to change something in your life, you have to take action, nothing will change on its own
  27. Contrary to what I believed, I did NOT know everything when I was a teenager (and I will never know everything)
  28. Learning is a life long process
  29. You can’t change other people
  30. You can change the way you react to certain things (makes a huge difference)
  31. What I think of myself is more important than what everyone else thinks of me
  32. Don’t hate
  33. Better safe than sorry
  34. You can’t make someone love you no matter how hard you try
  35. Practice what you preach
  36. Holding a grudge only hurts you
  37. Honesty is the best policy
  38. Snoopy totally rocks!!
  39. Give without expecting to receive anything in return
  40. Set realistic expectations/goals for yourself
  41. Have as much fun as you can
  42. Always be yourself
  43. Take in/accept compliments and remember them, and forget about all the negativity
  44. Misery does indeed love company
  45. Don’t let others bring you down
  46. If something seems/feels not right, it usually is not right
  47. Try looking at things from different perspectives
  48. Don’t put your hand on the stove right after turning it on to check if it is hot
  49. Keep an open mind
  50. Breathe/soak in the beauty that is all around you
  51. Don’t be ashamed of who you are
  52. Be mindful

Okay, I think that is enough for now :)

What have you learned throughout the years?

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The Absolute Truth & Mental Illness “Recovery”

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WARNING: I WRITE ABOUT DISTURBING THOUGHTS AND IMAGES

I finally realized why I have been feeling a bit like a fraud and hypocrite. It is time to come forward and be completely honest with myself and all of you. You deserve the truth as do I.

I make all these posts on Facebook and write in this blog about Hope this and Hope that, Life gets better, la-di-freakin-da… Well, that is only the surface. Yes, as previously written, I did change my attitude about life, I did forgive myself for everything I have done, and released the guilt that had been holding me down for so long. And, yes, doing all of that has made a huge difference in my life. Some days, I do love my life, but other days, I don’t. I have written that life does get better, and also gets worse, which is the truth. Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies, that is just not the way life is. Life is beautiful, harsh, difficult, kind, and cruel.

I have written about my bipolar “recovery”. But I honestly don’t know how it is for others that say they are in a “recovery” phase and are doing well, because I haven’t talked to anyone about this. Maybe feeling recovered is different for everyone. Maybe there are different levels of recovery, who knows??? I sure don’t. Maybe my “recovery” is “normal”, and by “normal” I mean, it may be like this for other people with bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses.

I see myself in 3 layers, these layers are constantly changing. Currently, the top layer is the happy hopeful one. The middle one is the reasoning one, and the bottom is the “bipolar” one. Sort of like a poisonous 3 layer cake. The top layer being the frosting, it is safe to take a bite out of, it is sweet, it will not hurt or harm you, you enjoy it. The middle layer is basically just there to be the middle, it balances the top layer from the bottom layer. And the bottom layer is poisonous, you take a bite out of it, it will harm/hurt you, may even lead you to death depending on how much you eat.

So far, I have only been showing the top layer. The layer that is hopeful and always smiling. I have written a few blogs about bad days and bad times, but for the most part, I stick to the good days. The layer below the hope and smiles, is the middle layer, the reasonable/reasoning layer. It knows that I cannot be happy all the time, nor depressed all the time. It knows that life is constantly challenging, and sometimes has control to “decide” which way to go. Either to the top layer or the bottom layer. The bottom layer is my “bipolar” layer. It is dark, angry, frustrated, sad… It does not reason, it does not care about much, it hates everything. It likes to take complete control sometimes. It is a sneaky little sucker. Sometimes, slowly making its way to become top layer, other times just exploding its way within seconds to become the top layer.

My point is that while I say I am doing and feeling well, the truth is, yes, I may be feeling well, but deep down inside I still feel a little bit of hopelessness, and that desire to die. I don’t feel like I have been lying to you all, I just have been leaving out particular details. But leaving out details is sort of lying, isn’t it? It is not the total truth. I have my reasons for leaving out these particular details. I think I was lying to myself more so than anything and didn’t want to come to the realization that I may never quite truly be completely “better”. Maybe I was scared, and did not want to accept that… I don’t know.

Even when I am doing well, I still have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately they are always there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes, those thoughts make themselves known, other times they just chill and hang out back there. BUT they are just thoughts. I would never act upon them. When I get extremely angry those thoughts then become desires and then I start imagining ways to “go”. I try my hardest to not let these thoughts/desires take control. Sometimes it is real difficult, I just stop reasoning and caring (I am in the poisonous layer). What helps me at these times, is that my husband knows when I get like this and he does not leave my side, and then these “desires” eventually do pass. To be honest, if he were to leave me if I were in this mindset, I do not know what I would do. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that, because he knows better than to leave me alone at these times.

Sometimes I go to bed and wish that I “go” in my sleep and never wake up. YES, I still have these thoughts, even though I am feeling okay. I honestly do not know why. Maybe I have been thinking like this for so long, that it is only natural for me to still think this way, it has become a second nature. I still have catastrophic thoughts too. When in a vehicle, I imagine a wreck, crashing into a wall or anything and me flying through the window, blood and guts everywhere, to my death. I see myself, all bloody and disfigured. These thoughts are disturbing to me, yet also calming. I imagine an airplane exploding and plummeting to my house, landing where ever it is that I am and crushing me to death. I have an extremely vivid imagination. These are only a few of my disturbing thoughts, believe me there are many more.

I may be happy, but I still hurt inside, I still feel that agonizing pain of just being. I cannot explain it, nor why I would still feel this way when I am happy. It just is. Sometimes when I am completely and utterly happy, I can feel it in my chest, a complete fullness and it makes me want to cry, happy tears though. During these particular happy moments, I do not have any of those disturbing thoughts or the suicidal thoughts. But these truly happy moments do not last long. They range from hours to 1 day to 1 week. I LOVE it when I feel like this. It is such a wonderful feeling. So the point here is, that there ARE times when I am completely and utterly happy, and it is these moments, whether they last 1 day or 1 week out of an entire year, make it worth struggling through all the other bull shit. At least for me it is. Just 1 day of complete happiness, is worth 364 days of struggle.

So, there it is. The complete and honest truth… all of it. My mind is scatterbrained much of the time, so I try to make as much sense as I can when writing, hoping the flow of my thoughts make sense when written down. And while I am writing I sometimes forget some thoughts or ideas I was going to write about, like now, I totally forgot what I was going to write about, hoping that it will come back to my mind…

Okay, I remember what else I wanted to write about. I know lots of stuff I write about may contradict what I write at other times. But that is the way I am. Bipolar is defined as: having or relating to two poles or extremities. So being contradictory is natural for me. Although by definition being contradictory is a proposition so related to another that if either of the two is true the other is false and if either is false the other must be true, is not the case for me. I believe both cases to be true to a certain extent. Am I making any sense? So maybe I am not contradicting myself. I don’t know… as usual, now I am just blabbering :)

Hopefully my point came across and not found to be offensive to anyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Note: This just took me a long time to write, I do not feel like proofreading it, so excuse any spelling or grammatical errors (which I tend to be anal about most of the time) :)

It DOES get better… however…

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This is only from my personal experience. I am not saying I am right or wrong, nor that you are right or wrong. I am simply stating this is how it has been and what works for me.

I have noticed that some people comment to my “it does get better” posts on Facebook of how miserable they are and that it will never get better. So I felt the need to write about this. Again, this is from my personal experience.

Life does get better… BUT it gets worse too. What I am trying to say is that once it gets better it does not necessarily stay that way. That is not the way life is. It is up to us to remain hopeful during those awful times that we think we cannot take another minute/hour/day. Keeping a positive attitude during those times has helped me through. If I were to tell myself “nothing is ever going to get better”, then it truly won’t ever get better. Having that kind of attitude will not get me anywhere. I know this, because I had that attitude/outlook. Once I decided to change my attitude because I had certainly had enough of living miserably, everything changed. This was not easy for me.  It was one of the most difficult things to do. This process took lots of self reflection and forgiveness. Forgiveness to all of those that had wronged me, and the wrong I have done. Once I was able to do that, I was able to move forward.

For years I lived in utter misery, I thought/felt nothing would ever get better. I felt useless, worthless a waste of space. I was fed up with this, and decided it was up to me to take action and change this. So my outlook on life changed. I was worth it, I was not useless and not a waste of space. If you don’t think I have been to “that” place, of deep dark despair, read some of my journal entries on here.

What probably helped this process was being so close to a successful suicide. It woke me up. It basically smacked me extremely hard across the head and said “what the heck do you think you’re doing? This is not the way nor the time. It is not up to you to make that decision, you are not ready!”

Just as this illness is different for everyone, I am sure “recovery” is also different.

I also want to talk a little about medication. There are no miracle pills out there. Medications certainly help, but taking them won’t change everything for you. You have to work for it, you have to want it. And it’s not easy, but it IS worth it. It is a daily fight for us. If I have just one great day out of the entire year, it is worth it. At least for me it is. The more you work on it, the easier it becomes. It take practice and dedication, just like anything else. Sometimes our brains fight us and tell us otherwise, and it becomes too much to fight back, let it run its course. Nothing lasts forever, you WILL eventually feel better. Don’t depend on something or someone else for happiness. That is something you have to find within.

Yes, I still have extremely rough times and fall back into that deep dark pit of misery. But, now I KNOW that there is more to life than living in that pit. There is always a little light shining at the top of that pit. That little glimpse of hope is what gets me through those times. And knowing that it does get better no matter what helps. Life IS a roller coaster. It’s up to you to make your way back to the top. And yes, it may be to eventually fall back down. But again, you CAN make it back up. That’s just the way it is and accepting that has definitely helped me.

Example: When you think things can’t get worse and they do, believe that the opposite is also possible. When things are going well, more and more will get better.

Life IS good, even when we can’t see that or don’t believe it, it truly is. Just take a look outside. Take a look at those beautiful flowers and how wonderful they smell. Take a look at those gorgeous sunsets and the moon, and feel the beauty. Take a look at your children or in my case dogs, look into their eyes and see all the hope, love and life in them.

Sooo, in a nutshell. Don’t ever give up. Try focusing on what is going right in your life, even the smallest of things. Appreciate every little thing you have. Appreciate yourself. I have learned to even appreciate the bad things/times, if it weren’t for those things/times I would not have the strength I now have to make it through when it rears its ugly head. And finally, if it weren’t for all the suffering and pain I have had to endure, I would not be the person I am today. And I have learned to love that person :) She is pretty cool ;)

Good, Good Girl

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Found the motivation I needed. My jeans are not fitting like they used to, my weight gain is now enough that I can really tell the difference.

I got my butt up this morning/early afternoon. Walked to the store to get some stuff, something I had not done since I was a teenager! Could have taken the car, but it’s only like a 10 minute walk and it’s really nice outside, so I decided to walk my happy ass there. It felt kind of strange, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Got home and did some cardio!

I have to give myself a pat on the back. This is exactly what I needed and I feel great. I just need to stay motivated and keep this up.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement!! It makes all the difference!!

Much love!

Happiness… it was right where I left it

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Happiness. It was just sitting there patiently waiting in my heart for the darkness to clear out of my mind.

Excited to say that I can put a check mark next to relapse. Because I am back baby!! :)

It lasted almost 2 months. It was really difficult and I was scared. There were a few moments I did not think I was going to make it through. But I struggled on. With my own will and the help/support of family, friends and online friends, I was able to make it through. A big THANK YOU for that!!

I now know if/and/or when it happens again that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, although I may not see it. It is strange how ones attitude/feelings/emotions can change so quickly from day to day, just like that. I find it fascinating, while also despising it. But I can surely say struggling through the bad days makes the good days so much better. I am able to appreciate every second of the good days even more. And that makes it all worth it. Knowing that no matter how crappy I feel, there will always be good days to come. It’s just a matter of patient and letting whatever is going on in my mind pass right on through. No more fighting it. The only fighting I need to do are those “evil” urges. Besides that, I will let my mind be.

Until we meet again. I am, and will always be me. And I am totally cool with that.

Peace, love, happiness and all the warm fuzzies you can handle!!! <3

A Letter for my Parents

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This post is mainly for parents with children who have bipolar disorder. I wrote this as an adult (obviously), for my parents. Realizing everything I put them through. Thinking about how it must have been for them. Maybe reading this will help parents realize certain things. These are just a few things I suggest as a person with bipolar disorder all my life to parents of children with BD:

Don’t ever give up on your child.

Show as much support as you can, get educated on the subject, there is so much information out there now.

Don’t ever be ashamed of your child.

It is NOT your fault that they have bipolar disorder.

Don’t forget to also take care of yourself. If you are not well, then you won’t be well for your child. Take some “me” time.

Let them know that you love them no matter what, and that you will always be there for them. And actually mean it and show it.

The following is the letter I wrote for my parents:

Papi and Mami,

Where do I begin?
I was recently reading an article about Bipolar Disorder from a parents perspective, which made me start thinking about you two: my loving parents. I started thinking about how difficult it must have been, the first time I tried to commit suicide and thereafter. How confused you both must have been by my behavior. I am almost in tears as I am writing this. I feel so bad for putting you both what I put you through. Maybe you blamed yourselves, I don’t know. I just want you to know, it was not your fault at all. My behavior was all because of me. I now and have for quite some time now realized, you and Mami did the best you could. I know you both loved me very much and would do anything for me. Yes, sometimes things got rough and not everything was all rainbows and sunshine, we were quite the “dysfunctional family” but that’s just life. All the advice you both gave me was 99% correct. But of course, I did not think nor realize that then. I was a teenager and then young adult, I already knew everything there was to know. :)
I know back then, it must have been even more difficult than it is today. I was misdiagnosed as a teenager with severe depression. I didn’t understand what that really meant, and I know you both did not really either. It was never really explained to me. All I was told was I had a “chemical imbalance”.
Anyway, I remember when I was hospitalized, it was kept somewhat hidden as to the reason I was there. You really had no support, you had nowhere or nobody to turn to for help or advice on this matter, and I am sorry for that. I had and still have no idea what was going through your minds as to why I behaved certain ways. I (my behavior) probably scared the crap out of you both. I know we never really ever talked about it. It just kind of happened, and that was that. I know, if you both would have had some education on the subject you would have been able to feel more comfortable about it, and not sort of pretend everything was okay. This was over 20 years ago, when mental disorders were kept hush-hush, and had a stigma attached to it. Yes, it still has a stigma, but it is slowly (very slowly) improving. People are coming out and speaking up about it. Back then, not many talked about it. It was kept a secret hidden within the immediate family.
Where am I going with this? I am sorry what you both had to go through when raising me. I am not apologizing for my behavior, because my behavior was that of a sick person, I am just taking responsibility for my actions. I wish things would have been different, but they weren’t and can’t be. But everything that I have done and been through has made me the person I am today, so I would like to say “no regrets”, even though I do have a few. But again, had I not done those things, and made the choices I made, I would not be where I am today. And today, I am in a good place. I also have you and Mami to thank for that. You did your best, you taught me right from wrong, and most importantly you taught me how to be a good person.
I know I have been thanking you both for being such great parents for years, but this is something I hadn’t done, and thought that I needed to do this. I wanted for both of you to know everything I have just written. I decided it was time to talk about it.
I love you both with all of my heart.
I couldn’t have asked for better parents. If I had the choice, I would choose you and Mami over and over again.
With all of my love,
Your Daughter

making it through the day… and DBT

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Been running around all day. Went to the group this afternoon, and it was not what I expected. It is called PATHFinders Group and it is supposed to teach us mindfulness and other Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills. So this group is a training skills group. We do not talk or share feelings/emotions (which is what I thought it was). We are a “pilot” group, meaning we are the first ones and this is the first group like this. It is a total of 15 weekly sessions. 2 hour sessions. After about 1.5 hours, I was getting extremely fidgety and annoyed, but I remained in my seat and listened to what was said. I am going to give it a go, it can’t hurt. But the 2 hour thing, ugh, hopefully I will learn something for that while in the group :) I had canceled my DBT individual sessions, and am hoping to be able to get back into those, waiting on the doctor to get me scheduled back in. I had canceled because I was going through such a rough time and I thought it would make it worse. Yes, I know… but that was my reasoning.

Today ended up being a nice day. After the group I went to lunch with my sister and then we did a little shopping. Now just hanging out watching tv and doing laundry. I am feeling calm, which I am loving, since I have been so anxious the past few weeks. Even if it is for a few hours, I am enjoying it!! Hopefully it will last into the weekend and I can enjoy the present. Other than that, I thank everyone for all the love and support, it does make a huge difference! THANK YOU!!! I will keep fighting the fight! For now things are well and no need to worry.

I will keep taking my medications as prescribed and try/do as much as I can to stay “sane”. I have been letting my thoughts control me, and that has been scary. As of now, not sure how to deal with the awful self harming thoughts I have been having. They have been pretty intense.

I wrote the following last night, while in the tub trying to relax:

Where is all of this intense pain coming from? I feel like a lost puppy. I have survived/struggled through this long… for what? To enjoy a minute of my life, and then let it all go and float away? What the fuck is going on? I’m so confused. Why am I being consumed by these awful thoughts? They are getting stronger and stronger. More difficult to fight. It’s exhausting! How much more can I take of this? I’m scared of what I may be capable of doing. I don’t want to die! I just want to cause some massive pain/physical pain to myself. Nothing like I’ve felt before. I really really want to hurt myself badly, and I have no fucking clue as to why!! Do I even need a reason? What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Who/what the fuck have I become? This is not me… Not me… Where do I go from here? Who do I turn to for help?!?!?!

That is how I have been feeling. But I do not want anyone to worry or freak out, because I am strong and I am fighting this urge. And I know what I need to do if it keeps getting worse. Right now my sister is in town “babysitting” me. Once she leaves, if I still have these intense thoughts/feelings/desires to injure myself, I will take myself to the hospital.