Category Archives: General

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

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vib-trophy-blog-m

sensuousamberville so graciously presented me with this award last week. It came at a great time as I have not been feeling very inspirational at all. So, thank you Amber!!!

The Rules: ahhh rules, I HATE rules!!

Display the Award Certificate on your website: check

Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award: check, I think…

Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers: hmmm…. 15 may take a while

Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post: I guess I will be up for a little while anyway…

Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

Interesting??? How about I just post 7 things about myself :)

1. I love watching movies, all genres, but my faves are horror and psychological thrillers

2. My dogs are my children.

3. I am 5ft ;) and I love it!!

4. I have over 35 tattoos, I decided to stop counting at 35.

5. I enjoy getting pierced.

6. I have a strange, sick and twisted sense of humor

7. I have the best friends and family anyone could ever hope for.

Now to present this award to fellow inspirational bloggers…..

Pride in Madness

The Hurt Healer

Bipolar Bear

The Lucky Mom

MoodyMoonLady

The Plucky Procrastinator

Slice of Humble

A.D.D. Music Mamma

Pepper Vintage

DeBie Hive

The MFP

Okay, that is it for now. I have been at this for about 2 hours now. Getting tired and my attention span has… oooh a rainbow!!

About these ads

NAMIWALKS

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As most of you know I have Bipolar Disorder, along with some other mental health disorders. This cause is near and dear to my heart. I find extremely important to raise awareness and educate people about Mental Health issues. You can help me and make a difference by donating to this cause, or joining and walking with me. Anything is appreciated.

Donating to me through this page is easy, fast and secure. It is also the most efficient way to support me.

Both NAMI and I appreciate your donation. Thank you very much for your support.

Rebecca (Bekr)

You can go to my page by clicking on the link below.

http://namiwalks.nami.org/bekr

 

Not to baby, that was the decision… and I still stand by it

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I know my husband and I made a choice and it was the best choice for us. But it still pisses me off sometimes. Especially when I am watching TV and everyone seems to be having a baby. Or when I am on Facebook. Sorry, but I cannot stand ultrasound photos posted on there. I understand the excitement, but still. It’s probably just my anger speaking. While I am on the topic, I cannot stand Mother’s Day. I LOVE  my Mami to death, but it just seems like a reminder of what I will never have, EVERY year. My husband says I am a Mommy, to our 2 dogs. But that really doesn’t make me feel any better. Again, I STILL stand by my decision. But I can get upset about it every now and then. Especially at my age. The clock and all that. I will always feel something is missing. Again, I made the right choice, I know that. But I am also a woman, and bipolar, so I am entitled to my anger ;) . Well, right now it’s anger, normally it’s a little sadness.

Okay, rant done. Thank you!

Just to add: I was told I probably couldn’t have a child anyway, because of “female” problems. But I decided to get a tubal ligation, and make it my choice. I did not want that “choice” taken from me.

A Letter for my Parents

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This post is mainly for parents with children who have bipolar disorder. I wrote this as an adult (obviously), for my parents. Realizing everything I put them through. Thinking about how it must have been for them. Maybe reading this will help parents realize certain things. These are just a few things I suggest as a person with bipolar disorder all my life to parents of children with BD:

Don’t ever give up on your child.

Show as much support as you can, get educated on the subject, there is so much information out there now.

Don’t ever be ashamed of your child.

It is NOT your fault that they have bipolar disorder.

Don’t forget to also take care of yourself. If you are not well, then you won’t be well for your child. Take some “me” time.

Let them know that you love them no matter what, and that you will always be there for them. And actually mean it and show it.

The following is the letter I wrote for my parents:

Papi and Mami,

Where do I begin?
I was recently reading an article about Bipolar Disorder from a parents perspective, which made me start thinking about you two: my loving parents. I started thinking about how difficult it must have been, the first time I tried to commit suicide and thereafter. How confused you both must have been by my behavior. I am almost in tears as I am writing this. I feel so bad for putting you both what I put you through. Maybe you blamed yourselves, I don’t know. I just want you to know, it was not your fault at all. My behavior was all because of me. I now and have for quite some time now realized, you and Mami did the best you could. I know you both loved me very much and would do anything for me. Yes, sometimes things got rough and not everything was all rainbows and sunshine, we were quite the “dysfunctional family” but that’s just life. All the advice you both gave me was 99% correct. But of course, I did not think nor realize that then. I was a teenager and then young adult, I already knew everything there was to know. :)
I know back then, it must have been even more difficult than it is today. I was misdiagnosed as a teenager with severe depression. I didn’t understand what that really meant, and I know you both did not really either. It was never really explained to me. All I was told was I had a “chemical imbalance”.
Anyway, I remember when I was hospitalized, it was kept somewhat hidden as to the reason I was there. You really had no support, you had nowhere or nobody to turn to for help or advice on this matter, and I am sorry for that. I had and still have no idea what was going through your minds as to why I behaved certain ways. I (my behavior) probably scared the crap out of you both. I know we never really ever talked about it. It just kind of happened, and that was that. I know, if you both would have had some education on the subject you would have been able to feel more comfortable about it, and not sort of pretend everything was okay. This was over 20 years ago, when mental disorders were kept hush-hush, and had a stigma attached to it. Yes, it still has a stigma, but it is slowly (very slowly) improving. People are coming out and speaking up about it. Back then, not many talked about it. It was kept a secret hidden within the immediate family.
Where am I going with this? I am sorry what you both had to go through when raising me. I am not apologizing for my behavior, because my behavior was that of a sick person, I am just taking responsibility for my actions. I wish things would have been different, but they weren’t and can’t be. But everything that I have done and been through has made me the person I am today, so I would like to say “no regrets”, even though I do have a few. But again, had I not done those things, and made the choices I made, I would not be where I am today. And today, I am in a good place. I also have you and Mami to thank for that. You did your best, you taught me right from wrong, and most importantly you taught me how to be a good person.
I know I have been thanking you both for being such great parents for years, but this is something I hadn’t done, and thought that I needed to do this. I wanted for both of you to know everything I have just written. I decided it was time to talk about it.
I love you both with all of my heart.
I couldn’t have asked for better parents. If I had the choice, I would choose you and Mami over and over again.
With all of my love,
Your Daughter

Similarities in Mental Illness

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I decided to catch up on blog reading today. I didn’t get to read to many because of my attention span. I will eventually get to them all. I just wanted to point out the many similarities I noticed while reading the other blogs. I was surprised, yet not really surprised (if that makes any sense).

First similarity I noticed “manipulation”. Someone had written about knowing what and what not to say so they would not be “committed” hospitalized. I thought that was a skill I had learned all by myself :) When taken to the Emergency Room while semi-suicidal (if I had not hurt myself yet), I know what to say if I do not want to hospitalized, so did this person from the blog I read. I also know what to say when I am already hospitalized to get out sooner. I just pretend everything is all fine and I am okay. So I am basically lying. I HATE being hospitalized!!! One reason, is that the hospital I have to go to is the VA. There are no group therapies or anything. You just sit around all day and watch TV. While, when suicidal, it serves the purpose of temporarily keeping me safe, it’s okay. Other than that, it is such a waste of time. I wouldn’t mind going to a hospital where they offered different types of therapy, which would actually help me. But, I digress.

Another similarity I noticed was (I totally forgot, then remembered a few minutes ago, and forgot again). And it wasn’t about memory loss, although that IS another similarity… Okay, it cam back to me. Questioning happiness. I wrote about this a couple of months ago. I was questioning my happiness and wondering if it was real. Another blogger wrote about the same thing, wondering if it was “to good to be true.”

Anyway, reading these other blogs makes me realize that I am not alone at all, in the things I think and feel. I know bipolar disorder is slightly different for everyone. But I guess there are many more similarities than I had thought. This comforts me, not because others are in pain or suffering, but because others can relate to what I go through. I would never wish this upon anyone, but it does help know that I am not alone. And I am sure most of you can understand that and what I am trying to say.

To baby or not to baby… that is not the question anymore

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My husband and I decided years ago, that it would be in my (our) best interest not to have children. He completely agreed with this decision. I probably could have not had a child anyway. So I had a tubal ligation 4 years ago. While I still think it was the best decision, sometimes I feel cheated and robbed of that choice. Then I get over it. I will always know deep down inside that it was the best decision. Yes, sometimes I get sad and feel that emptiness in my heart, an emptiness that will never be filled. But that is okay. It is for the better. I know how I am. There is no way I could handle a baby. I KNOW THIS!!!

So my point here is… stop telling me that it would be different because it would be my child. I get told by so many people, that it would be different, that I would have that patience and everything else “required” to be a mother. I am not saying I would be a bad mother, I am saying I am NOT mother material. I never really liked children anyway. I know me! The people that tell me this, DO NOT know me. Just because it may have been different for you, does not mean it would be different for me. The decision has been made. The option is not there anymore. So quit making me feel like shit and say that. Most of the time, I blow it off, because I know I made the right choice. But, yes, sometimes, it bothers me. Because it starts to make me think…. “hmmmm… maybe I could handle a baby???” But again, I KNOW I could not. I can barely handle my husband!

I have 2 babies, and those are my doggies. They are my children, and them I can handle. They will never yell at me or make me feel like shit. They will love me unconditionally.

Another reason I (we) chose not to have any children was because I did not want to pass my bipolar gene down. I would not want to put another person here to have to go through what I have gone through. Yes, life can be wonderful and beautiful and all of that crap. But it’s so difficult. So why bring someone else here to suffer?

I know many may disagree with this choice. But it was/is my choice to make, not yours. I am the one that has to live with it, and I am okay with that.

sleepless in “my mind”…

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Can’t sleep, can’t sleep, can’t sleep… Keeps repeating in my mind… Can’t shut it off. Overall the past few days have been okay. With a little bit of mania here and there and some anger issues. The small bouts of mania were a little strange because I’ve never experienced it like that before. I was up for a couple of hours and was able to eventually come down, so no full blown mania, thank goodness! Bought a humidifier today, using it now. I bring that up because the dripping sounds are driving me insane! You’d think it would be sort of soothing… But not for me, I hear the drip as if it were right next to my ears, loudly echoing. That’s one thing that bothers me, my heightened sense of hearing. Sometimes hearing every little sound gets to me. I need to learn how to drown it out. It would be nice to fall asleep right now, but I don’t feel tired at all. I’ve passed my falling asleep window. If I’m not asleep by 12am, then I’m up for hours :( its going to be a long night,,,