Ahhh… It comes around every year, and every year I am reminded of what I will never have.
The commercials, the Facebook posts… I get to see it everywhere. It feels like I am being stabbed in the heart every time. I know this was my decision (partly, bc I was told I could probably not have children if I tried anyway). But I chose not to even try. I did this because it was the best choice, and I stand by it. But yet, every now and then, and especially on Mothers Day, I feel that pain… that emptiness… that gaping hole in my heart that nothing could ever replace it. A child I will never have. A child I will never hold. A child I will never tell how much they mean to me. A child who will never love me back. A bond that only a mother and child could have. I will never have any of this. But again, I made this choice, and for the most part, I am okay with. Every now and then, yes, I do feel cheated. I do feel angry, upset, frustrated and confused.
Being told by people “you would have been a great mother” doesn’t help at all either.
Yes, sometimes I contemplate “what if?” But I know deep down in my heart that it was the right choice. So why do I go through this every year and occasionally throughout the year? Shouldn’t I be used to it and just accept the fact that I will never have a child? Why can’t I just get over it?