Category Archives: anger

TRIGGER WARNING: EXTREME LANGUAGE

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Rage

Fury
Hatred
Death
Kill
Burn
Maim
Blind
Red
Rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage kill kill kill kill kill kill kill die die die die you STUPID mother fucking peace of shit shit fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you stupid fuck stupid fuck stupid fuck stupid fucking piece of shit worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless Fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCKER ASSSSSSSHOLE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I DESPISE YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MEAT SACK GO TO FUCKING HELL DEMON CHILD FUCK OFF FUCK THE FUCK OFF GO THE FUCK AWAY….NOW LEAVE ME ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE I WAS TO BE LEFT ALONE LEAVE ME ALNE ALONE ALONE ALONE SCARED….

sooo,

UPDATE: I did type more on here, but it did not go through on my stupid phone. I basically wrote that my husband was setting me off. I wanted to hurt him with words, cruel mean words. And that is not something I would normally do. So I stepped away from him. ANYWAY, I took a bubble bath, listened to relaxing music and talked to my sister. I am better now. :)

 

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I am NOT well

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I will try to make as much sense as I can, but my mind is in quite a tizzy. This kind of all started sometime last week. I have had my days mixed up, not sure what day is what. At least I know what week it is. Sort of. Anyway, I could say this all started the day I decided to stop my medications. Well, I was good for a while. I titrated the meds and did not have any awful side effects. Things were well, life was looking up, la di da and all of that shit.

Well, sometime last week it HIT me BLAMO.  One evening I started to hallucinate. Yes, all of my life, I have seen shadows here and there, but nothing serious or scary. I have also heard stuff, like my name and other meaningless stuff, that I just took as being part of me. Well, this hallucination scared the crap out of me. Hey, maybe it was not a hallucination at all and was a ghost, I don’t know. Haven’t seen it since. Anyway, my mind has been playing games with me, can’t explain right now. Like I have other people in there having conversations. Yes, I have joked about this before, but those ‘voices’ were always my voices. I knew they were me. Well, these new voices, have faces, personalities and so much more. They do not take over, they kind of just hang out with me. They are friendly.

Okay, back to whatever I was trying to get to, I went on a Lorazapam binge. I have been on these meds forever, and NEVER abused them until now. (I was completely off ALL meds for at least 3 weeks, including Lorazapam). Sometime last week, Monday and Tuesday, I just kept popping them and going to sleep. I just did not want to deal with life and being awake. I get my meds in the mail, so I hid this bottle from my husband, he normally keeps them all locked up. Yeah. I am a sneaky little bitch when I want to be. So I was in a daze/fog for a few days. Stayed in bed and just slept. Time seemed to have flown by, not like normally when I sleep in bed all day. Normally the days drag, this time the days flew by. I guess I eventually told my husband what I had done.

I called my therapist and told him I had stopped my meds, then he told me to call my psychiatrist, which I did. I had to leave a message, he never called back. This was last Friday… (I think).

Yeah, I went into a severe mania episode last weekend, then crashed, them manic again. It has been a tailspin, of chaos and confusion. I do not know my left from right.

Soooo, as of now, I am angry and have lost all desire to live. But I am hanging in there as much as I can. I am not going for a pity party, oh, poor me, poor me crap. That is just not me. My attitude right now it “fuck it”. I know others have it worse than me, and yadda yadda, yadda. But I do not fucking care….

I forgot to add in here, maybe on purpose, that on a highly drunken night a few nights ago I did try to OD on lorazepam and zofran. Don’t think that would have really don’t the trick anyway, but it’s what I had. Well, once my husband found out what I did, I got the end of the toothbrush to my throat. So I’m pretty sure that got rid of most of it.

As of this second I am working on a ‘safety’ plan to keep my ass alive. Well, not this actual second, once I am done writing this and posting it. I will talk to my husband, well try talking to him because all I can seem to do right now is yell. After talking to him I will call my family back home. I DO NOT want to be hospitalized, because they totally suck, there is no therapy and I hate being told what to do. But hey, if that’s where my ass needs to be to keep me alive for now, then that is where it should be.

I am just writing as the thoughts are coming. I may not be on the Facebook page as much for a few days, just to separate myself from it, or I may, I do not know. I just don’t want to be bombarded with everyone else’s problems right now.  They are piling up right now,(the messages) and I KNOW I do not have to look at them, and will eventually get to them. But right now it is irking me. EVERYTHING is irking me. Yeah, that may seem a bit selfish of me, but I need my own damn time too. I am not a total bitch, even though right now I may be coming across as one. But I know me, and I know that those that care about me know I am not, and that is what matters.

I just wanted to keep everyone posted as to what is happening in the Wonderful World of MisAdventures of this Bipolar Girl.

Ahhh, the joys of all the highs and lows, and sideways, ups and downs, confusions, fog, haze. zigzags… the endlessness of it. When will it ever end??

Yeah, I am all about hope and never giving up. But I AM human and BIPOLAR, not some superhuman bipolar chick that can use a shield of power to pounce all negativity and stupidity away from me. I wish I could, that would actually be fun. PEW, PEW, PEW!!! That’s me deflecting all the negativity and stupidity away from me, and making it dissipate to never be seen again.

dark

The Absolute Truth & Mental Illness “Recovery”

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WARNING: I WRITE ABOUT DISTURBING THOUGHTS AND IMAGES

I finally realized why I have been feeling a bit like a fraud and hypocrite. It is time to come forward and be completely honest with myself and all of you. You deserve the truth as do I.

I make all these posts on Facebook and write in this blog about Hope this and Hope that, Life gets better, la-di-freakin-da… Well, that is only the surface. Yes, as previously written, I did change my attitude about life, I did forgive myself for everything I have done, and released the guilt that had been holding me down for so long. And, yes, doing all of that has made a huge difference in my life. Some days, I do love my life, but other days, I don’t. I have written that life does get better, and also gets worse, which is the truth. Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies, that is just not the way life is. Life is beautiful, harsh, difficult, kind, and cruel.

I have written about my bipolar “recovery”. But I honestly don’t know how it is for others that say they are in a “recovery” phase and are doing well, because I haven’t talked to anyone about this. Maybe feeling recovered is different for everyone. Maybe there are different levels of recovery, who knows??? I sure don’t. Maybe my “recovery” is “normal”, and by “normal” I mean, it may be like this for other people with bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses.

I see myself in 3 layers, these layers are constantly changing. Currently, the top layer is the happy hopeful one. The middle one is the reasoning one, and the bottom is the “bipolar” one. Sort of like a poisonous 3 layer cake. The top layer being the frosting, it is safe to take a bite out of, it is sweet, it will not hurt or harm you, you enjoy it. The middle layer is basically just there to be the middle, it balances the top layer from the bottom layer. And the bottom layer is poisonous, you take a bite out of it, it will harm/hurt you, may even lead you to death depending on how much you eat.

So far, I have only been showing the top layer. The layer that is hopeful and always smiling. I have written a few blogs about bad days and bad times, but for the most part, I stick to the good days. The layer below the hope and smiles, is the middle layer, the reasonable/reasoning layer. It knows that I cannot be happy all the time, nor depressed all the time. It knows that life is constantly challenging, and sometimes has control to “decide” which way to go. Either to the top layer or the bottom layer. The bottom layer is my “bipolar” layer. It is dark, angry, frustrated, sad… It does not reason, it does not care about much, it hates everything. It likes to take complete control sometimes. It is a sneaky little sucker. Sometimes, slowly making its way to become top layer, other times just exploding its way within seconds to become the top layer.

My point is that while I say I am doing and feeling well, the truth is, yes, I may be feeling well, but deep down inside I still feel a little bit of hopelessness, and that desire to die. I don’t feel like I have been lying to you all, I just have been leaving out particular details. But leaving out details is sort of lying, isn’t it? It is not the total truth. I have my reasons for leaving out these particular details. I think I was lying to myself more so than anything and didn’t want to come to the realization that I may never quite truly be completely “better”. Maybe I was scared, and did not want to accept that… I don’t know.

Even when I am doing well, I still have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately they are always there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes, those thoughts make themselves known, other times they just chill and hang out back there. BUT they are just thoughts. I would never act upon them. When I get extremely angry those thoughts then become desires and then I start imagining ways to “go”. I try my hardest to not let these thoughts/desires take control. Sometimes it is real difficult, I just stop reasoning and caring (I am in the poisonous layer). What helps me at these times, is that my husband knows when I get like this and he does not leave my side, and then these “desires” eventually do pass. To be honest, if he were to leave me if I were in this mindset, I do not know what I would do. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that, because he knows better than to leave me alone at these times.

Sometimes I go to bed and wish that I “go” in my sleep and never wake up. YES, I still have these thoughts, even though I am feeling okay. I honestly do not know why. Maybe I have been thinking like this for so long, that it is only natural for me to still think this way, it has become a second nature. I still have catastrophic thoughts too. When in a vehicle, I imagine a wreck, crashing into a wall or anything and me flying through the window, blood and guts everywhere, to my death. I see myself, all bloody and disfigured. These thoughts are disturbing to me, yet also calming. I imagine an airplane exploding and plummeting to my house, landing where ever it is that I am and crushing me to death. I have an extremely vivid imagination. These are only a few of my disturbing thoughts, believe me there are many more.

I may be happy, but I still hurt inside, I still feel that agonizing pain of just being. I cannot explain it, nor why I would still feel this way when I am happy. It just is. Sometimes when I am completely and utterly happy, I can feel it in my chest, a complete fullness and it makes me want to cry, happy tears though. During these particular happy moments, I do not have any of those disturbing thoughts or the suicidal thoughts. But these truly happy moments do not last long. They range from hours to 1 day to 1 week. I LOVE it when I feel like this. It is such a wonderful feeling. So the point here is, that there ARE times when I am completely and utterly happy, and it is these moments, whether they last 1 day or 1 week out of an entire year, make it worth struggling through all the other bull shit. At least for me it is. Just 1 day of complete happiness, is worth 364 days of struggle.

So, there it is. The complete and honest truth… all of it. My mind is scatterbrained much of the time, so I try to make as much sense as I can when writing, hoping the flow of my thoughts make sense when written down. And while I am writing I sometimes forget some thoughts or ideas I was going to write about, like now, I totally forgot what I was going to write about, hoping that it will come back to my mind…

Okay, I remember what else I wanted to write about. I know lots of stuff I write about may contradict what I write at other times. But that is the way I am. Bipolar is defined as: having or relating to two poles or extremities. So being contradictory is natural for me. Although by definition being contradictory is a proposition so related to another that if either of the two is true the other is false and if either is false the other must be true, is not the case for me. I believe both cases to be true to a certain extent. Am I making any sense? So maybe I am not contradicting myself. I don’t know… as usual, now I am just blabbering :)

Hopefully my point came across and not found to be offensive to anyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Note: This just took me a long time to write, I do not feel like proofreading it, so excuse any spelling or grammatical errors (which I tend to be anal about most of the time) :)

This Monster

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This Monster

Anger
Where does this come from
I feel it within
So angry
This Monster
Rears its ugly head
It doesn’t like to hide
It doesn’t like to be suppressed

It wants to come out
It wants to scare
It wants to rip those near
to shreds
It wants to be left alone
In its host
This Monster
This Monster inside me
It wants to consume me
I am its puppet
And its Master
I need to learn
to control
This Monster inside me
… And I will

© (8/25/12) ~Bekr

Journal Entries 11

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Ever feel like this?

Again this was written a couple of years ago. I still feel like this sometimes, but for the most part, I am okay with waking up. For a while I was doing really good, then I crashed. I am somewhere in between right now, working my way back up.

My Yearly Reminder :(

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Ahhh… It comes around every year, and every year I am reminded of what I will never have.

Mothers Day.

The commercials, the Facebook posts… I get to see it everywhere. It feels like I am being stabbed in the heart every time. I know this was my decision (partly, bc I was told I could probably not have children if I tried anyway). But I chose not to even try. I did this because it was the best choice, and I stand by it. But yet, every now and then, and especially on Mothers Day, I feel that pain… that emptiness… that gaping hole in my heart that nothing could ever replace it. A child I will never have. A child I will never hold. A child I will never tell how much they mean to me. A child who will never love me back. A bond that only a mother and child could have. I will never have any of this. But again, I made this choice, and for the most part, I am okay with. Every now and then, yes, I do feel cheated. I do feel angry, upset, frustrated and confused.

Being told by people “you would have been a great mother” doesn’t help at all either.

Yes, sometimes I contemplate “what if?” But I know deep down in my heart that it was the right choice. So why do I go through this every year and occasionally throughout the year? Shouldn’t I be used to it and just accept the fact that I will never have a child? Why can’t I just get over it?

Not to baby, that was the decision… and I still stand by it

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I know my husband and I made a choice and it was the best choice for us. But it still pisses me off sometimes. Especially when I am watching TV and everyone seems to be having a baby. Or when I am on Facebook. Sorry, but I cannot stand ultrasound photos posted on there. I understand the excitement, but still. It’s probably just my anger speaking. While I am on the topic, I cannot stand Mother’s Day. I LOVE  my Mami to death, but it just seems like a reminder of what I will never have, EVERY year. My husband says I am a Mommy, to our 2 dogs. But that really doesn’t make me feel any better. Again, I STILL stand by my decision. But I can get upset about it every now and then. Especially at my age. The clock and all that. I will always feel something is missing. Again, I made the right choice, I know that. But I am also a woman, and bipolar, so I am entitled to my anger ;) . Well, right now it’s anger, normally it’s a little sadness.

Okay, rant done. Thank you!

Just to add: I was told I probably couldn’t have a child anyway, because of “female” problems. But I decided to get a tubal ligation, and make it my choice. I did not want that “choice” taken from me.

the utter agony and misery

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The past few days have not gotten any easier… as I had hoped. Anger, rage and fear possessed my mind, body and soul yesterday, and eventually turned into apathy. Once I was in bed, it felt like everything hit me at once. I cried (bawled) myself to sleep. Something I have not done in a very very long time. The truth is, I can’t even remember the last time I did that. My thoughts were to blame for my tears and the agony I was feeling. My awful, dark, cruel thoughts. M (my husband) tried a few times to console me, but I requested him to leave me alone. Which at the time, was the best thing for him to do, and thankfully he did. I had nothing nice to say to him, in fact, had I said what I was thinking at that time, it would have completely broken his heart, and I did not wish to do that. I was not in my right mind at all, I was not thinking straight. Although a small part of me was, I still had some reasoning left inside, and I used that to my advantage.

I kept myself safe on my bed, wallowing in my blankets and pillow. They comforted me in a way that no person could. They caressed every inch of me. Without any judgement, they gladly accepted my tears, and took in my fears, my thoughts and mental agonizing pain. They coddled me and it felt good, I felt safe. There was nothing I could say or do to cause any pain to these things I was finding such comfort in. The tears kept flowing as I kept thinking these cruel, morbid and putrid thoughts. I would have to gasp for air every now and then. The pain and agony were so consuming. I was so confused! Why was I thinking these things? Why was I thinking this way? What was wrong with me? What was wrong with my brain? WHY? WHY? WHY? I never found an answer or figured out the why. I eventually left it as “just because… it is what it is.” NOTE 1: yes, my blankets made me feel safe, but knowing M was around made me feel safer. If he would not have been around, I would not have felt safe… with or without blankets. NOTE 2: And, yes, I still asked myself these questions knowing I have bipolar disorder. Which is basically the answer to all of those questions. With bipolar disorder there isn’t always an answer. Sometimes, it just is…

I tried to get rid of those thoughts by putting in ear phones and blasting music. I was hoping, that having such loud sounds in my ear/mind would be able to stop or drown out the destructive thinking. It didn’t help. But it did keep me in bed and away from anything I could harm myself with, so in a way, yes, it actually did help. After, what I am guessing was 1 hour, I drifted off into sleep.

WARNING TRIGGERS: some of the thoughts I was having: getting a knife and stabbing it into my wrist, all the way through. Or stabbing it through my hand. Stabbing myself in the stomach or chest. I was not suicidal, I did not wish to die. I just wanted to really physically hurt myself. The little reasoning I had left in my mind, was able to think of my family and friends and wonder how it would make them feel if I were to actually do it, the pain I could possibly cause. That in turn made my heart and chest hurt even more, because I was even thinking these things in the first place. How could I possibly think these things when I have so much love and so much to be thankful for in my life. WHY in the fuck was I thinking and feeling this way?? It made no sense to me. I have been doing/feeling so well for so long. After feeling and doing so well for more than a few months, I would wonder when something like this was going to happen. In the back of my mind I was always waiting for that crash to come and pummel me down. I thought, how could I be so happy for so long, was it possible? Would I ever go back to that awful place of pain, agony and despair?? Then one day I stopped wondering if something like this was going to happen. I let it be. I lived my life. So two years went by, with no pummeling of misery. For two years, I was well. I did have a bad day here and there, but nothing severe. Nothing I could not handle.

Then this happens. I should know better, I am not stupid. I know I live with a lifelong disease. BUT, I did think that with proper management everything would remain good. I take my medications as prescribed, I eat right, exercise, I get the right amount of sleep, I go to therapy. So everything should be fine, right? I could stop living in fear that I would “fall” again.

Well, that is just the nature of the beast. I have fallen. I am still down and struggling, but the one difference now (from my previous ‘falls’) is that I am fighting. I am fighting as hard and as much as I can. It is exhausting, very exhausting. It takes plenty of work, work from every inch of my being. But I am NOT going to give in to this or give up!! I have seen what both sides look like. And I choose to be on the brighter, happier, sunny side. Screw the deep dark pits of misery, agony and self-hatred. I do not belong there!! Nobody does!

So for now, I will take it minute by minute, day by day. It still hurts. The pain is still extreme and overwhelming. It is agonizing! All I want to do is cry, and punch, and scream, and kick… I want all of this to go away NOW. It is too much to bear. But I am a fighter now and throughout a lifetime of falls, I have become much stronger. I know this isn’t going to miraculously go away overnight (and yes, I had hoped for that). I know what I need to do for myself and everything else that needs to be done. So I AM GOING TO DO IT no matter how long it takes. I want all of this heaviness in my chest and heart ache gone. I don’t need this shit! I want my warm fuzzies, butterflies and sunshine back! I have no clue how long it will take to get me back to where I was before this happened. What I do know, is that I will keep breathing, will keep trying, will keep struggling through it, until I can smile again and mean it. Until my heart is happy and full of joy again.

Wow! Who knew I could write so damn much! :) Definitely not me. I always hated having to write papers. I also had a difficult time getting in to the details. I was always straight to the point. Look at me now :) All of these feelings, thoughts and emotions kept flowing right on through to my hands, to the laptop, and landing right here on this page.

One more note: Having the surgery last Wednesday, even though everything went fine, could quite possibly be the culprit of all of this. I spoke with my psychiatrist today about what has been going on, and she said to wait a few days to see if I feel/get better. And if I don’t, then maybe it’s time to change/start/stop medications. So here is to hoping having the surgery was the root of all of this, because I really don’t want to adjust my medications. They have been doing wonders for 2 years. But I am willing to do whatever needs to be done, to get/feel better. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I have a purpose!

Thanks for listening/reading :)

still awake

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Well I was going to try to sleep, but I can’t. So maybe writing and getting “out” of my mind will help me and I will be able to go to sleep soon after. It has been an uneventful few days for the most part. As I stated, was a bit manic here and there. Kind of scared me each time, I hate getting manic. I cannot focus, concentrate and my mind feels completely jumbled. It feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and I get shaky and nervous. I would say, I am not a functioning manic. So once it starts, it is difficult to come down. It usually last 2 days or so. So it’s been strange that it lasted only a few hours at a time. Maybe it’s time for a medication re-evaluation. I’ve been on the same meds for 2 years and they have been working just fine, except for the past 1-2 months. Going to discuss that on my next psych appointment.

As far as my anger issues, I really need to start working on that. A few years ago I started an anger management class, went 2 times, then stopped going. At the time, I figured it would be to much of an effort for me to work on my anger and really wasn’t in the mood to work on it. Lazy on my part, not wanting to have to put effort into it. I realize it is bad for me, because I go from all nice and calm at a 1, then something happens, and I will escalate to raging madwoman at a 100, within a millisecond. So I go from 1 to 100 just like that. Snap and it’s on!!! :) There is no in between. And when I am at 100, I just want to blow up, hit, punch, kick anything around me. Just throw and overall hissy fit. Which I rarely do, I just keep it all inside, which is REALLY bad. So I am signed up for another Anger Management class, I think it is 10 weeks long, 1 day a week. This time I WILL commit to it… hopefully :) Just waiting on the VA to schedule me, which can be months away. But that’s acceptable, since right now I am dealing with another medical issue. One thing at a time is good for me!

Well I am starting to feel tired, so I will call it a night. :) Tomorrow will be a new day :)