Weight issues… Mirrors are evil… Finding myself…
I was always the petite one. 5ft, 100lbs. Then with medications, and getting older I started gaining weight… quickly. My blood pressure was skyrocketing. 165lbs was the heaviest I had ever been. Being 5ft, every lb is noticeable. I became miserable. I felt like a fat lazy piglet. This was 2008, since then I was able to lose some weight, it was not easy. I was able to get to 130 lbs. I gain and lose 10lbs, I am constantly going from 130lbs to 140lbs, up and down. Now I am up to 150lbs. BUT this time, I do not criticize myself like I used to and I feel comfortable with my body. What is the difference now? I have no mirrors. I do have 1 in the bathroom, but all I can see is my face. I have always needed a mirror, so I can see how I look before going out. Don’t want to look like a fool ;) I have also had a magnifying mirror (for when I tweeze my eyebrows)… while also noticing every ‘flaw’ extremely close up.
I just started working out a bit, because I do want to lose weight for health reasons. I feel “fat/large” when I see full body pictures of myself and when I put on clothes that used to fit loosely. But again, I am not feeling completely awful about it. My conclusion: Mirrors are evil.
Moving right along… to me. When I would look at myself in the mirror, and I mean REALLY look at myself, I did not see me. There was something else staring back at me. It was strange, sometimes awful and scary. Other times, I saw nothing, I was just an empty shell. I had no soul… nothing… emptiness…
Last week I was taking photos with my cell phone. I was taking photos with the zoom on, then I decided to take some selfies… I forgot to zoom back out. I did this a few times, and did not realize it until I looked at the photos a little later. So these photos were completely ‘accidental’. I was amazed by what I saw and how I felt. I saw me! Yes, me, a soul a person, everything I am and represent. It was such a wonderful experience, although a bit odd. I saw myself and saw beauty (and yes, that feels weird for me to say/write that). I no longer saw my ‘flaws’ as ‘flaws’, but as experience and life. I have been so critical about every little thing on my body and face. I have always been self-conscious about my smaller puffy eye, I hated it (that eye is smaller than my other one, I think it is a ‘lazy eye’). It looked like I got punched in the eye. I do not see it that way any more. I was born with it, it is part of me, I now accept it. On to my wrinkles… oh my goodness, it felt like my eyes got wrinkly overnight. Crows feet and lines, I no longer felt youthful. I was disgusted by them. Not anymore… I now see them as life. I liked the few freckles I had, never had any issues with those. But I now have some really bad dark/sun spots. I was embarrassed by them. I have a huge one right in the middle of my forehead. Now, I have no problem with it. To me it looks like a heart and/or a butterfly.
Now, every time I look at these photos, I still feel amazement by my acceptance. I have lived. I have been in and through hell. I have been blessed with MANY things. Why fight and constantly criticize my looks, when that is NOT who I am. It is only a part of me. I can’t fight getting older and everything that comes along with it.
It only took 39 years to see myself and accept what I saw, that my ‘shell’ is not really who I am (just a small part). I look into my eyes, and that is who I am. The person behind those eyes. And I have become a pretty cool person. Not like I used to be: a lying, manipulative, deceitful person for self gain. I was not a ‘bad’ person, I just made some bad choices… MANY bad choices, but they have led me to where I am now. I have always been a giving person though. Contradictory, I know… Anyway, I am now full of love and acceptance, of myself and others. My conclusion… again… mirrors are evil.
Here are the photos that helped me find myself (no editing/no photoshop): Pieces of Me
I am whole :) My Spiritual Awakening