I am tired… Exhausted is more like it. I am miserable here. “But you live in Paradise, how could you be unhappy?” I don’t know, I just am. I hate it here. Yes, it’s a beautiful place, but it’s a different way of life, that I have not been able to adapt to. I thought I could get to a point where I was okay with living here. Hasn’t happened. It’s been one major life event after another, and I’m tired of smiling. I am tired of trying to “fake it until I make it”. It just is not going to happen. All I want to do is cry. I can’t stop thinking of “those” thoughts. Thoughts that I don’t want to be here “Earth” anymore. How I just want to end it because no matter what, it’s all shit. Yeah, I know I talk about hope and yadda, yadda, yadda. About how life is worth struggling through the bad parts to get to the good parts. A part of me still believes that, and I guess that is part of why I am still here. My moods have been moodier than ever :) One day I will wake up and be “good” with everything and have a decent day. The next day, I sleep all day and think of ways to kill myself. I have good moments and awful moments, not much in between.
I’m struggling, I’m drowning… While being watched and holding my arm up, hoping someone will grab onto my arm… YET AT THE SAME TIME, I am drowning and not looking up or holding my arm up, I am peacefully sinking to the bottom. I am so confused and lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am scared.
I feel like I am letting people down, because I’m supposed to be this strong person who has survived so much more, so much worse. I don’t want to pretend to be that person, because that is not me. I am hurting so much, and I am terrified of my own thoughts. Many friends have written that I look so happy since moving here. Well, that is my mask… And I use it well, as I have my entire life. I use it to hide. I use it to try and trick myself that I am happy. When honestly I am dying inside.
Where do I go? Where is “home”? Do I have a home? Where the f am I? I do not feel comfortable nor at home here.
Who am I? For some reason I feel I have lost my identity. I feel like an abandoned puppet. Lost in a crowd.
I want to be strong. I want to go to the beach and have a blast. So why can’t I? What is stopping me??? I don’t fucking know and it’s frustrating me.