Home » Acceptance » Total honesty

Total honesty


 

Hello All! It has been a while since I have made a post. I have been meaning to do a post about stopping medications, but haven’t. I do not have internet access… well I do, a little bit from my phone, but I have decided to postpone that post to write this one. I should really write that one first, but oh well.

Excuse the rambling, as I am slightly intoxicated. Yes. I gave in to the evils of alcohol, but again, oh well, you live and learn.

So, if you are able to read my ramblings, then great. I know I have no attention span, when I look at blogs, if I am bored by the third sentence I do not read it, thank you ADHD! Anyway, here goes, and thank you if you have made it this far. Please excuse spelling errors, and grammatical errors, as I am not being a perfectionist now.

Okay here goes the point of this post….

She was a beautiful baby, born into innocence and pure love. She was such a little character, everyone fell in love with her as soon as they met her. As she grew older, she saw the evil and temptations all around her. It was extremely difficult for to ignore, she was surrounded by them (the evil and temptations) (and not the band) ;)  She was not afraid of this, she felt at home, yet she was a little confused by the evils, because she noticed her friends did not see these evils, they did not see what she saw. And if they did, they did not tell her. Maybe they were scared as well.

Years went by, and she gave into these evils and temptations. She was hanging on by a thread, it was a miracle she made it through all of it. These evils that tormented and tortured her. No temptation was left a mystery. She did everything. She did not care about her life, not sure why. She was afraid of death, yet ready for it. She had lived in so much pain, she did not care if it ended. She did not think of anyone else but herself. Her family and friends did not matter. All she wanted to do was end the massive pain and hopelessness that lived inside of her.

The “evil” slashed right through her, bit by bit, piece by piece… it tore her apart, scarring her physical body and soul, until she was nothing but a pile of ashes. Her ashes stayed around, not sure of what to do or where to go, she just lingered.

Then after decades, all of a sudden a torrential windstorm visited her ashes and made her whole again. She was a bit perplexed and confused why this had happened. But it did happen, and that all that really matters. She was thankful, scared and happy that this “wind” decided to cross through her path, her ashes. She was reborn. The same person, yet different. Her eyes were completely opened to everything she had done. She was in unbearable pain for all the sins and wrongs she had committed. She felt like she did not deserve to live after everything she had done. All the pain and torment she had caused. She was able to look at everything she had done, and she did not want to experience anything like that again. She did not want to be that person anymore. She saw and finally realized how much pain she caused, how many lives she had ruined, how many she had tortured and tormented herself. She knew she did not do any of this on purpose, she would never want to hurt anyone intentionally, even though she did. Something has taken hold of her… mental illness. She had let it take complete control of her, let it tell her what to do. She thought it was her friend, since she lived with it for so long. It had comforted her in her time of need, like nobody else could. She trusted ‘it’. After all, it was part of who she was (or so she thought). It had been her worst fear and enemy, while it was comforting her and telling her everything was okay. At the time, she did not know any better. She believed in it, gave in it, gave herself to it. It was all she had. She did not know of any other way. It took over her life for so many years, it was all she really knew, it was that “familiar” feeling that comforts and destroys at the same time. It took complete control of her life, because she let it. Inside she did feel awful, she “knew” and “felt” her actions were not “normal”. She hated causing so much pain and torment. It still tries to make its way back into her life. Occasionally she gives into it, because it is just so easy. Other times she fights it with all she has, because she does not want to be the person she was.

It took her a very long time to accept responsibility for her actions, every wrong she had done. This was not an easy task at all. One of the most difficult things she has ever had to do was completely forgive herself and be able to move on with her ‘new’ life.

She had lived for so long filled with misery and despair, she did not know she could ever be truly happy. She never thought she could move forward, because she was consumed in the past and everything she had done. She sulked and sulked, crying night after night after all the pain and suffering she caused to others. She was a good person, and NEVER meant any harm to others. So it hurt her so very much that she had so easily hurt others. She was able to manipulate others and get away with almost anything. With her innocent eyes, and good looks, people looked past her ‘wrongs’ and forgave her, although she thought she did not deserve ANY forgiveness.

Then one day (by some sort of miracle) she woke up. She was able to see clearly, the REAL her woke up. It was like a massive smack to the head (that was long needed). She was able to ‘look’ upon her past and everything she had done, and again, by some sort of miracle, she was able to forgive herself. She told herself, “that was not the real you, and you know that, you are a good person, you would NEVER intentionally want to harm or hurt ANYONE, this was something else. You let it take control over you, because you did not care nor no any better.

So she forgave herself for what she did and did not do.

Her ashes caught fire and rose like a Phoenix and she was reborn… a completely new person. A better person. A person who could “see” things. This was always who she was meant to be… Bekr. She was kept alive, time and time again for a bigger purpose, something bigger/higher than she could EVER imagine.

She saw and felt hope, love and promise throughout her body, it engulfed her. It radiated inside of her, and she knew she was a new person. She knew she was no longer ‘that’ person. She knew and realized her purpose in life. Her purpose was to spread hope, love and awareness about mental disorders to others. To those that suffer from it, to family members who have to live with it, for everyone. To teach, to be a mentor. (Something she NEVER she thought she would/could ever be, all she thought was she could be and was  a bad example to all). But she was able to change all of that. It has become her mission in life, to try and save others, for not another person to feel ‘alone’ like she had.

And this is what she has been doing for almost 3 years now. She never realized how rewarding it could be for herself and others. What she did not know is that her words and writings could/would affect anyone. Much less, make a difference any one life.

It keeps me going, and I feel a total responsibility to each and every one of you. I don’t, nor will ever have children, but I feel you are all my children (that may sound a little strange and cult like, but I do not mean it like that at all). You all have saved my life time and time again. You have all helped me through the difficult times.

Again, I have so much more to write about. But I will save that for later.

I am also working on writing my memoirs… that should be interesting.

So… for those that have read all of this blabbering, thank you for making it through. Having ADHD, I know how difficult it can get, especially when someone is rambling, which is what I feel this is.

Again: I am intoxicated, so excuse all errors, normally I am a bit anal about all of that. But obviously, right now I do not care. And I DO NOT recommend drinking while on your meds, it is not a good thing. It has been quite a while since I have had a drink, but I am totally stressed out, so I felt I needed it to make me feel better. Right now I feel fine, but later I will probably feel the guilt. Okay, anyway, I will end this now, before making a novel J Love you all, and thank you for following my misadventures, and being friends. You make a difference, whether you believe it or not. You have a purpose, whether you have found it yet or not. You are here for a reason, or many reasons. Okay, I will shut up now. B

Much love~ Bekr

About these ads

8 thoughts on “Total honesty

  1. Even with alcohol fueling you, your spirit and resilance shines through your writing. You do not realize how many people know they could be, should be, would be helpped but do not get it because of many reasons! You give them a strong reason to try!

  2. Wowww I felt just like I was reading about my own life!! so many things have happened to me because of my illness. The only dif is people havent forgiven me.. friends and family dropped like flies.. friends never last long its to stresful for me.. My sister and my husband are really the only ones that try to understand me and forgive me.. And of course my youngest children.. My oldest daughter just thinks im nuts :( Thank you for this blog Bekr it helps me to realize im not alone!!! <3

thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s