Monthly Archives: April 2012
A Single Rose
1
Not to baby, that was the decision… and I still stand by it
9I know my husband and I made a choice and it was the best choice for us. But it still pisses me off sometimes. Especially when I am watching TV and everyone seems to be having a baby. Or when I am on Facebook. Sorry, but I cannot stand ultrasound photos posted on there. I understand the excitement, but still. It’s probably just my anger speaking. While I am on the topic, I cannot stand Mother’s Day. I LOVE my Mami to death, but it just seems like a reminder of what I will never have, EVERY year. My husband says I am a Mommy, to our 2 dogs. But that really doesn’t make me feel any better. Again, I STILL stand by my decision. But I can get upset about it every now and then. Especially at my age. The clock and all that. I will always feel something is missing. Again, I made the right choice, I know that. But I am also a woman, and bipolar, so I am entitled to my anger 
. Well, right now it’s anger, normally it’s a little sadness.
Okay, rant done. Thank you!
Just to add: I was told I probably couldn’t have a child anyway, because of “female” problems. But I decided to get a tubal ligation, and make it my choice. I did not want that “choice” taken from me.
Bipolar Hair
14 
This was my hair in December. Brown, with pink and purple extensions
Here is my hair in February. Red
My hair March. Red with pink highlights (I should have left it alone here. This one is my favorite)
A week later. I added Pink
A couple days later. I added Purple
And NOW
Black. There is still a slight purple tint to it. (not visible in this pic)
So I guess I will keep it this way for a while. It’s already starting to fall out. I guess this is what happens when you are extremely bored. At least, it happens when I am bored.
Anyone else out there change their hair all the time? This is the most I have done within this time frame. I usually keep it for a couple of months, then change it. Not sure what got into me this month. I suppose there is something deeper that I need to be dealing (handling) with, huh?!?
Until next time!
Good, Good Girl
10Found the motivation I needed. My jeans are not fitting like they used to, my weight gain is now enough that I can really tell the difference.
I got my butt up this morning/early afternoon. Walked to the store to get some stuff, something I had not done since I was a teenager! Could have taken the car, but it’s only like a 10 minute walk and it’s really nice outside, so I decided to walk my happy ass there. It felt kind of strange, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Got home and did some cardio!
I have to give myself a pat on the back. This is exactly what I needed and I feel great. I just need to stay motivated and keep this up.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement!! It makes all the difference!!
Much love!
Bad, Bad Bekr
13Not sure what is going on with me. I am not happy… not sad… just kind of here, taking up space.
I stopped going to my DBT sessions, the group ones and the individual ones. Had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and did not go. I have lost all motivation. Well, not all. Went to the post office on Monday to mail a bunch of stuff for friends. I also dyed my hair purple. So now my hair is purple, red, and brown. It’s multicolored Thinking about going a very dark brown or black, but that’s another topic… Yesterday felt sick all day, didn’t get much done. Today I mustered up the energy to give my babies (dogs) baths. And I am thinking about going to watch the Hunger Games. Hopefully I won’t change my mind at the last minute, which is what I usually do. So, I have been taking baby steps in getting things done.
I have also started something new. Not good. I have started binge eating. It started when my meds were increased. So I decreased them back to what they were because I did not want to gain all the weight I had lost. I stopped overeating for a few days, but then I started again. Mainly in the middle of the night. I will get up to go to the bathroom, then I raid the kitchen. Last night I had 2 bowls of cereals, some chocolate stuff, and then some ham. I’ve gained 10 pounds in about 2 weeks, not feeling good about myself right now. I did order some workout videos, waiting for them in the mail. Hopefully by the time they arrive I will have more motivation. If I don’t then I will just have to force myself to workout. I KNOW it always makes me feel better and it’s good for me… so why do I constantly make excuses??? It’s a love/hate thing.
Just taking it day by day…
Happiness… it was right where I left it
4Happiness. It was just sitting there patiently waiting in my heart for the darkness to clear out of my mind.
Excited to say that I can put a check mark next to relapse. Because I am back baby!!
It lasted almost 2 months. It was really difficult and I was scared. There were a few moments I did not think I was going to make it through. But I struggled on. With my own will and the help/support of family, friends and online friends, I was able to make it through. A big THANK YOU for that!!
I now know if/and/or when it happens again that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, although I may not see it. It is strange how ones attitude/feelings/emotions can change so quickly from day to day, just like that. I find it fascinating, while also despising it. But I can surely say struggling through the bad days makes the good days so much better. I am able to appreciate every second of the good days even more. And that makes it all worth it. Knowing that no matter how crappy I feel, there will always be good days to come. It’s just a matter of patient and letting whatever is going on in my mind pass right on through. No more fighting it. The only fighting I need to do are those “evil” urges. Besides that, I will let my mind be.
Until we meet again. I am, and will always be me. And I am totally cool with that.
Peace, love, happiness and all the warm fuzzies you can handle!!! <3
A Letter for my Parents
3This post is mainly for parents with children who have bipolar disorder. I wrote this as an adult (obviously), for my parents. Realizing everything I put them through. Thinking about how it must have been for them. Maybe reading this will help parents realize certain things. These are just a few things I suggest as a person with bipolar disorder all my life to parents of children with BD:
Don’t ever give up on your child.
Show as much support as you can, get educated on the subject, there is so much information out there now.
Don’t ever be ashamed of your child.
It is NOT your fault that they have bipolar disorder.
Don’t forget to also take care of yourself. If you are not well, then you won’t be well for your child. Take some “me” time.
Let them know that you love them no matter what, and that you will always be there for them. And actually mean it and show it.
The following is the letter I wrote for my parents:
Papi and Mami,
Where do I begin?
I was recently reading an article about Bipolar Disorder from a parents perspective, which made me start thinking about you two: my loving parents. I started thinking about how difficult it must have been, the first time I tried to commit suicide and thereafter. How confused you both must have been by my behavior. I am almost in tears as I am writing this. I feel so bad for putting you both what I put you through. Maybe you blamed yourselves, I don’t know. I just want you to know, it was not your fault at all. My behavior was all because of me. I now and have for quite some time now realized, you and Mami did the best you could. I know you both loved me very much and would do anything for me. Yes, sometimes things got rough and not everything was all rainbows and sunshine, we were quite the “dysfunctional family” but that’s just life. All the advice you both gave me was 99% correct. But of course, I did not think nor realize that then. I was a teenager and then young adult, I already knew everything there was to know.
I know back then, it must have been even more difficult than it is today. I was misdiagnosed as a teenager with severe depression. I didn’t understand what that really meant, and I know you both did not really either. It was never really explained to me. All I was told was I had a “chemical imbalance”.
Anyway, I remember when I was hospitalized, it was kept somewhat hidden as to the reason I was there. You really had no support, you had nowhere or nobody to turn to for help or advice on this matter, and I am sorry for that. I had and still have no idea what was going through your minds as to why I behaved certain ways. I (my behavior) probably scared the crap out of you both. I know we never really ever talked about it. It just kind of happened, and that was that. I know, if you both would have had some education on the subject you would have been able to feel more comfortable about it, and not sort of pretend everything was okay. This was over 20 years ago, when mental disorders were kept hush-hush, and had a stigma attached to it. Yes, it still has a stigma, but it is slowly (very slowly) improving. People are coming out and speaking up about it. Back then, not many talked about it. It was kept a secret hidden within the immediate family.
Where am I going with this? I am sorry what you both had to go through when raising me. I am not apologizing for my behavior, because my behavior was that of a sick person, I am just taking responsibility for my actions. I wish things would have been different, but they weren’t and can’t be. But everything that I have done and been through has made me the person I am today, so I would like to say “no regrets”, even though I do have a few. But again, had I not done those things, and made the choices I made, I would not be where I am today. And today, I am in a good place. I also have you and Mami to thank for that. You did your best, you taught me right from wrong, and most importantly you taught me how to be a good person.
I know I have been thanking you both for being such great parents for years, but this is something I hadn’t done, and thought that I needed to do this. I wanted for both of you to know everything I have just written. I decided it was time to talk about it.
I love you both with all of my heart.
I couldn’t have asked for better parents. If I had the choice, I would choose you and Mami over and over again.
With all of my love,
Your Daughter
