The Roller Coaster

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Where to begin??? I have issues with where to begin, as everything is always jumbled in my mind. I will try to make as much sense as possible :)

It’s been a pretty rough month. Medical issues and mental issues. I am putting the medical issues on the side burner for now, until I see a doctor I was referred to, will deal with that later.

Anyway, I have been up and down. My ups haven’t been really high, just kind of doing well I guess. I can find a little bit of happiness here and there. The downs have been the worse. I am at a new point in my life that I have never been to before, and it scares the crap out of me!!! Normally when I have reached this level of low, I have either been committed (hospitalized) or willingly hospitalized. Then after 3 to 7 days I get released and things are okay for a while. Well, I have been on my Happy Train for 2 years now. Things have been well and I have been able to handle things as best as I can. Some ups and downs, but nothing severe. I even questioned my happiness. Something I will never do again. If I am happy, then I am happy. Period. No wondering why or this or that. I will just bask in the moment and times of joy and happiness. I just had an epiphany! Maybe I should do that also with my downs and depression. Stop questioning WHY, WHY, WHY, when I was doing so good for so long, WHY do I feel so shitty now. Maybe I should just go with the flow and let it be until it passes. Assuming it will pass. It always has, so I do not see why it wouldn’t.

What I am scared terrified of though is what I may end up doing. I do not want to do anything I won’t have the chance to regret, if you catch my drift. I know what I have been capable of when feeling like this. I am not fighting the depression and sadness, I am fighting the urges to hurt or end my life. Like I stated before, I have never been here before. All the other times, I would have already done something and been hospitalized. That is what I am trying to avoid and skip over. Not really the hospitalization part, the self-injury/suicide part. This is a new place for me, and I feel lost and confused.

The funny part is, I know what I need to do to get/feel better. Get out of bed, get physical, get moving around, do things I enjoy. It’s the motivation part I am having severe difficulties with. I stayed in bed today until 5pm. BUT there was a reason for that. My bed is my safe place. I cannot do anything to physically harm myself in bed. If I really wanted to, I could. But I am not going to put that much effort into it, being that is what I am trying to avoid. Anyway, as long as I stay in bed, I am safe. Another BUT, while staying in bed is not going to make me feel any better. So it’s a catch 22. But for now, my main concern is safety. So on a morning or day that I feel I am prone to self injury I will stay in bed as long as I need to, to let that thought/urge pass on.

Okay, so I really do not know where I was/am going with this anymore. I have lost all levels of concentration and thought, so I will have to end this now. I think I have had way to many cookies for one day, I feel physically ill :)   (:

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Similarities in Mental Illness

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I decided to catch up on blog reading today. I didn’t get to read to many because of my attention span. I will eventually get to them all. I just wanted to point out the many similarities I noticed while reading the other blogs. I was surprised, yet not really surprised (if that makes any sense).

First similarity I noticed “manipulation”. Someone had written about knowing what and what not to say so they would not be “committed” hospitalized. I thought that was a skill I had learned all by myself :) When taken to the Emergency Room while semi-suicidal (if I had not hurt myself yet), I know what to say if I do not want to hospitalized, so did this person from the blog I read. I also know what to say when I am already hospitalized to get out sooner. I just pretend everything is all fine and I am okay. So I am basically lying. I HATE being hospitalized!!! One reason, is that the hospital I have to go to is the VA. There are no group therapies or anything. You just sit around all day and watch TV. While, when suicidal, it serves the purpose of temporarily keeping me safe, it’s okay. Other than that, it is such a waste of time. I wouldn’t mind going to a hospital where they offered different types of therapy, which would actually help me. But, I digress.

Another similarity I noticed was (I totally forgot, then remembered a few minutes ago, and forgot again). And it wasn’t about memory loss, although that IS another similarity… Okay, it cam back to me. Questioning happiness. I wrote about this a couple of months ago. I was questioning my happiness and wondering if it was real. Another blogger wrote about the same thing, wondering if it was “to good to be true.”

Anyway, reading these other blogs makes me realize that I am not alone at all, in the things I think and feel. I know bipolar disorder is slightly different for everyone. But I guess there are many more similarities than I had thought. This comforts me, not because others are in pain or suffering, but because others can relate to what I go through. I would never wish this upon anyone, but it does help know that I am not alone. And I am sure most of you can understand that and what I am trying to say.

To baby or not to baby… that is not the question anymore

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My husband and I decided years ago, that it would be in my (our) best interest not to have children. He completely agreed with this decision. I probably could have not had a child anyway. So I had a tubal ligation 4 years ago. While I still think it was the best decision, sometimes I feel cheated and robbed of that choice. Then I get over it. I will always know deep down inside that it was the best decision. Yes, sometimes I get sad and feel that emptiness in my heart, an emptiness that will never be filled. But that is okay. It is for the better. I know how I am. There is no way I could handle a baby. I KNOW THIS!!!

So my point here is… stop telling me that it would be different because it would be my child. I get told by so many people, that it would be different, that I would have that patience and everything else “required” to be a mother. I am not saying I would be a bad mother, I am saying I am NOT mother material. I never really liked children anyway. I know me! The people that tell me this, DO NOT know me. Just because it may have been different for you, does not mean it would be different for me. The decision has been made. The option is not there anymore. So quit making me feel like shit and say that. Most of the time, I blow it off, because I know I made the right choice. But, yes, sometimes, it bothers me. Because it starts to make me think…. “hmmmm… maybe I could handle a baby???” But again, I KNOW I could not. I can barely handle my husband!

I have 2 babies, and those are my doggies. They are my children, and them I can handle. They will never yell at me or make me feel like shit. They will love me unconditionally.

Another reason I (we) chose not to have any children was because I did not want to pass my bipolar gene down. I would not want to put another person here to have to go through what I have gone through. Yes, life can be wonderful and beautiful and all of that crap. But it’s so difficult. So why bring someone else here to suffer?

I know many may disagree with this choice. But it was/is my choice to make, not yours. I am the one that has to live with it, and I am okay with that.

A beautful bloody mess

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The needle ever so gently pierced right into my vein

So effortlessly

I felt nothing

No fear, no pain

The dark thick red blood made its way out of my arm

Danced its way down into the cup

Drip… drip… drip goes the blood

Drip… drip… drip

No pain, no fear

Just me

coming out of my body

So effortlessly

So sensually

I was connected with my being

With all of me

All of my senses

I wanted more blood

I wanted to bathe in it

But that would require much more blood

and I do not know how much I could lose without

passing out, or passing on

Which is not the intention.

I feel nothing

yet everything right now

I think I like this feeling

I’m here, yet not

Where am I?

I’m floating, yet completely still

What is this I am feeling?

Serenity

Peace

Drunk with images of my blood.

Oh vein of mine

that has always protruded

making itself known

calling out to me

calling out for me

I heard you

I’ve been listening

and finally, tonight

we became one

You are me

and I am you

I understand now

Completely

I can’t wait for us to meet again

to be one

To see your beauty

You were so beautiful

Dark, thick, pure, so red, so perfect

flawless

Mental Illness Isn't Cute, or: Stop Calling Your Quirks OCD/Bipolar

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Reblogged from pop goes the culture!::

I've noticed - both on the internet and in casual conversation - that a lot of people use words like OCD or bipolar around to describe themselves. This would be totally acceptable if these people were bipolar or obsessive compulsive, but from my observations, such people are not. Instead, OCD and bipolar (I've never heard of any other mental illnesses being thrown around like this, so please let me know if you have!) are more and more used to cutely describe simple, everyday behaviours.

Read more… 302 more words

AAAARRRGGHHH!!!! (Medical Issues)

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Well it’s a good thing my GYN appointment was today and not last week. Being that I am in a better mental state. Last week I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle the news very well.

Anyway… After about 6 months or so of getting tests and surgery done and going back and forth from Gyn to Urologist, at the VA, I am back to square one. If you have read prior posts about me having a urethral diverticulum (UD) and all of that, this is what that is about. I will summarize it for those that have not read it.

Went to GYN, did regular exam, he said he thought I had a urethral diverticulum, so referred me to a urologist. The urologist had a CT done, and determined it was a vaginal cyst, so he referred me back to the GYN. Went back to the GYN and he said it was not a vaginal cyst, so referred me back to urology. Then had a pelvic ultrasound; a cystoscopy; a voiding cystourethrogram; and then finally the surgery and bladder hydrodistention, all within a few months time frame. NOT FUN!!! And they could not figure out what the hell it was/is. The surgery went well and the urologist said I do not have a urethral diverticulum. So I was all happy and relieved. Of course, I was referred back to the GYN, which I went to today.

So I saw the GYN and he stands by what he stated the first time, he looked at all the tests and still believes I have a UD. He did a physical exam and also had the lead doctor of GYN do an exam. And they both agreed, that it does look like I have a UD. And then they went on to tell me the urologist that did the surgery on me has only seen 5 cases of UD and has never done that type of surgery to remove a UD. Soooo after going through everything I have gone through the past months, they decide to refer me to a civilian doctor that specializes in this stuff. A Urogynecologist. So now I just have to wait for the authorization in the mail and make an appointment. I am thankful that it is getting taken care of, but right now I am sick to my stomach with everything. It just feels like I’ve been being slammed against wall to wall. Hopefully we will make some progress with the new specialist doctor. Maybe I won’t need the surgery, who knows. I hope not. But if I do, then I do. I will just have to move on and struggle forward. I made it through the last one, although this surgery is much more complicated one and longer recovery time. But I am making sure I will have a “caretaker” 24/7 if I do have to have the surgery, not only because I will need help getting around, but also to be “babysat” for my mental state. After that last surgery I am not taking that chance of not having someone  around me all the time. I barely made it through, but I made it!!

So as usual, I will take it day by day. Trying to keep calm, cool and collective. I am so glad to say I have been feeling much better, mentally. I really think it may have been the combination of the surgery and whatever anesthesia they gave me, is what temporarily messed me up.

Other than that, life is good :)

Information of Urethral Diverticulum.

http://www.muschealth.com/bladderhealth/health_info/urethral_diverticulum.htm

What is urethral diverticulum?

Urethral diverticulum (UD) is a condition in which a variably sized “pocket” or outpouching forms next to the urethra. Because it most often connects to the urethra, this outpouching repeatedly gets filled with urine during the act of urination thus causing symptoms.

Who usually gets urethral diverticulum?

It is much more common in females then in males and usually appears between the ages of 40 and 70. Occurrence in children is extremely rare in the absence of prior urethral surgery.

How common is urethral diverticulum?

With the development of sophisticated imaging techniques, the diagnosis of UD has become increasingly common. However, the true prevalence in any given population is still not known since many cases are missed or misdiagnosed simply because no one suspected it.

What causes urethral diverticulum?

The origin of acquired UD has recently been attributed to repeated infections and/or obstruction of the periurethral glands with subsequent obstruction eventually evolving into UD. Although some earlier studies have suggested congenital causes or trauma experienced during childbirth.

What are the symptoms of urethral diverticulum?

Although symptoms are highly variable, the most common symptoms are irritative (i.e., frequency, urgency and dysuria) lower urinary tract symptoms (LUTS). Dyspareunia will be noted by 12 to 24 percent of patients and approximately five to 32 percent of patients will complain of post-void dribbling. Recurrent cystitis or urinary tract infection is also a frequent symptom in one-third of patients. Other complaints include pain, hematuria, vaginal discharge, obstructive symptoms or urinary retention and incontinence (stress or urge). Up to 20 percent of patients diagnosed with UD may not have noticeable symptoms. Some patients may also have a tender anterior vaginal wall mass, which upon gentle compression may reveal retained urine or pus discharge through the urethral opening.

It is important to note that the size of the UD does not correlate with symptoms. In some cases, very large UD may result in minimal symptoms, and conversely, some UD that are non-palpable may result in considerable discomfort and distress.

Finally, symptoms may come and go and may even disappear for long periods of time.

How is urethral diverticulum diagnosed?

Since many of the symptoms associated with UD are non-specific, patients may often be misdiagnosed and treated for years for a number of unrelated conditions before the diagnosis of UD is made. This may include therapies for interstitial cystitis, recurrent cystitis, vulvodynia, endometriosis, vulvovestibulitis and other conditions.

The diagnosis and complete evaluation of UD can be made through a combination of thorough history, physical examination, appropriate urine studies, endoscopic examination of the bladder and urethra and selected radiologic imaging.

A number of imaging techniques have been applied to the study of UD and no single study can be considered the gold standard or optimal imaging study for the evaluation of UD. Each technique has relative advantages and disadvantages, and the ultimate choice of diagnostic study in many centers often depends on several factors including local availability, cost and the experience and expertise of the radiologist. Currently available techniques for the evaluation of UD include double-balloon positive-pressure urethrography (PPU), voiding cystourethrography (VCUG), ultrasound (US) and magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) with or without an endoluminal coil (eMRI).

A urodynamic study may also be used in selected cases and may document the presence or absence of stress urinary incontinence prior to repair. A videourodynamic study may also be used as a diagnostic tool. The type of study combines both a voiding cystourethrogram and a urodynamic study thus consolidating the diagnostic evaluation and decreasing the number of required urethral catheterizations during a patient’s clinical work-up. In addition, videourodynamic evaluation may be able to differentiate true stress incontinence from pseudo-incontinence related to emptying of a UD with physical activity.

During physical examination, the urethra may be “milked” distally in an attempt to express pus or urine from the UD cavity. For females, during physical examination, the anterior vaginal wall may be carefully felt for masses and tenderness.

How is urethral diverticulum treated?

Although often highly symptomatic, not all urethral diverticula require surgical excision (removal). Some patients may not have noticeable symptoms and the UD was incidentally diagnosed on imaging for another condition or during a routine physical examination. While other patients may be unwilling or medically unable to undergo surgical removal.

Very little is known regarding the natural history of untreated UD-whether they will grow in size, complexity or if symptoms will increase over time is unknown. For these reasons, and due to the lack of symptoms in selected cases, some patients may not desire surgical treatment. However, there have been recent reports of carcinomas arising in UD thus patient counseling and ongoing monitoring is recommended in patients who elect not to undergo surgical treatment.

Surgical options include transurethral incision of the diverticular neck, marsupialization (creation of permanent opening) of the diverticular sac into the vagina [often referred to as a Spence procedure], and surgical excision.

Surgical excision is the treatment of choice but it should be performed with caution. The diverticular sac may be quite attached to the adjacent urethral lumen and careless removal of the sac may result in a large urethral defect requiring construction of a new urethra. Other important considerations during surgery include identification and closure of the diverticular neck (connection to the urethral lumen), complete removal of the mucosal lining of the diverticular sac to prevent recurrence, and a multiple layered closure to prevent postoperative urethrovaginal fistula formation (formation of an abnormal opening between the urethra and vagina).

What can be expected after treatment for urethral diverticulum?

For those patients who elect not to undergo surgical treatment, it is recommended that they continue to be monitored by their urologist.

Patients who are treated surgically can expect to be on antibiotics for 24 hours postoperatively and discharged home with both urethral and suprapubic catheters. Antispasmodics are used liberally to reduce bladder spasms. A VCUG is obtained at 14 to 21 days postoperatively. If there is no extravasation, the catheters are removed. If extravasation is seen, then the urethral catheter is reinserted and repeat VCUGs are performed weekly until resolution is noted. In the vast majority of cases, extravasation will resolve in several weeks with this type of conservative management. Common implications may arise from surgical treatment and may include recurrent UTIs, urinary incontinence or recurrent UD. In females, urethrovaginal fistula is a devastating complication of urethral diverticulectomy and deserves special mention.

Some patients will have persistence or recurrence of their preoperative symptoms postoperatively. The finding of a UD following a presumably successful urethral diverticulectomy may occur as a result of a new UD, or alternatively, as a result of recurrence. Recurrence of UD may be due to incomplete removal of the UD, inadequate closure of the urethra or residual dead space or other technical factors. Repeat urethral diverticulectomy surgery can be challenging, as anatomic planes may be difficult to identify.

making it through the day… and DBT

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Been running around all day. Went to the group this afternoon, and it was not what I expected. It is called PATHFinders Group and it is supposed to teach us mindfulness and other Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills. So this group is a training skills group. We do not talk or share feelings/emotions (which is what I thought it was). We are a “pilot” group, meaning we are the first ones and this is the first group like this. It is a total of 15 weekly sessions. 2 hour sessions. After about 1.5 hours, I was getting extremely fidgety and annoyed, but I remained in my seat and listened to what was said. I am going to give it a go, it can’t hurt. But the 2 hour thing, ugh, hopefully I will learn something for that while in the group :) I had canceled my DBT individual sessions, and am hoping to be able to get back into those, waiting on the doctor to get me scheduled back in. I had canceled because I was going through such a rough time and I thought it would make it worse. Yes, I know… but that was my reasoning.

Today ended up being a nice day. After the group I went to lunch with my sister and then we did a little shopping. Now just hanging out watching tv and doing laundry. I am feeling calm, which I am loving, since I have been so anxious the past few weeks. Even if it is for a few hours, I am enjoying it!! Hopefully it will last into the weekend and I can enjoy the present. Other than that, I thank everyone for all the love and support, it does make a huge difference! THANK YOU!!! I will keep fighting the fight! For now things are well and no need to worry.

I will keep taking my medications as prescribed and try/do as much as I can to stay “sane”. I have been letting my thoughts control me, and that has been scary. As of now, not sure how to deal with the awful self harming thoughts I have been having. They have been pretty intense.

I wrote the following last night, while in the tub trying to relax:

Where is all of this intense pain coming from? I feel like a lost puppy. I have survived/struggled through this long… for what? To enjoy a minute of my life, and then let it all go and float away? What the fuck is going on? I’m so confused. Why am I being consumed by these awful thoughts? They are getting stronger and stronger. More difficult to fight. It’s exhausting! How much more can I take of this? I’m scared of what I may be capable of doing. I don’t want to die! I just want to cause some massive pain/physical pain to myself. Nothing like I’ve felt before. I really really want to hurt myself badly, and I have no fucking clue as to why!! Do I even need a reason? What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Who/what the fuck have I become? This is not me… Not me… Where do I go from here? Who do I turn to for help?!?!?!

That is how I have been feeling. But I do not want anyone to worry or freak out, because I am strong and I am fighting this urge. And I know what I need to do if it keeps getting worse. Right now my sister is in town “babysitting” me. Once she leaves, if I still have these intense thoughts/feelings/desires to injure myself, I will take myself to the hospital.