Where to begin?? I haven’t a clue! I don’t know what the hell is going on inside my mind. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with a good day here and there. But right now and the past few days I haven’t been able to shake this anxiety. It has never been this bad! I do not know what to do with it??? I try to do other things, watch tv, read, walk and yet I still feel it. I am unable to calm down. I am not able to focus on anything. Why am I so damn anxious? I have nothing to worry about, everything is fine. I don’t know what the f to do anymore. This is getting to be too much. I do not drink alcohol, because it normally makes me worse. But I had a few drinks the other day to see if it would help calm me down a bit, and it did. But I am not going to start drinking to keep myself calm, that would cause an entirely new set of problems I do not need. I feel like I am on the edge ALL the time. My body feels it too, and this does not feel good. I feel like a nervous wreck. I feel like a real thin glass bottle teetering around, and with the slightest touch or breeze will fall over and shatter into a million pieces.
How have I come to be at this place??? Why can’t I just get back to the place I was a few weeks ago. My happy place, where I was okay and able to handle day-to-day life? Why has it been so difficult to get back there. I feel like a total failure (although I realize I am not). That is just how I feel. Who have I failed?? Myself? for feeling like this? No. So why would I call what I am going through a “failure” of some sort? Now I am just talking/ranting to myself… Perhaps calling it a “set back” would be more appropriate. I really don’t know. Does it really need a name? Does it really need a label? It is just something I am going through and cannot figure how to make it stop or get out of it….. It’s getting frustrating and scary. Scary because, usually it gets worse before getting better. “Worse” being me hospitalized for one “reason” or another.
I am also tired of depending on certain medications to calm me down. Yes, they help for a little while, but then what? I eventually get anxious all over again. The medications are only a temporary fix. I must find something better and a more permanent fix. But WHAT???
I haven’t cut myself in a while, until 2 nights ago. This time the reasons were different from other times I had self-harmed. I cut myself a few times on my forehead, right below my hairline. I guess I was hoping cutting there would open a path for the anxiety and anxious thoughts to make their way out. I am not an idiot and I realize that would not really happen, but I just really wanted it to happen. I also did it there, because it can’t be seen because of my bangs. Don’t want anyone seeing what I have done.
I am at my wit’s end!!! Thankfully I have reached out. I am flying my sister over to be with me, since my husband is gone all day and night with work and school. At this point, I realize I need supervision, but I refuse to be hospitalized (unless it’s totally necessary) which as of now, it is not necessary.
lost, nervous, confused and scared… losing my grip…