Heavy heart. Tightness in my chest… yet again. It has only been a couple of days since my extreme panic attack. Not ready for another one just yet. This has never happened before. Usually after a panic attack I am good to go for a while. What the heck is going on? I am so confused right now. These feelings/emotions are killing me. I was somewhat “okay” yesterday, felt like things were getting better. Or maybe I have been fooling myself, that I was/am feeling better. Perhaps by saying I am okay, will make me feel okay by default. Not really working.
Have been feeling a bit apathetic. Right now I feel this extreme heaviness yet emptiness in my heart/chest. I ache. I really want to cry, but I cannot. I can feel the tears in my body wanting to make their way out, they need to escape, they are trapped and not liking it. My hands are shaky. What am I so terrified of? Is there something in the back of my mind that is torturing me? What is really going on? I need help, I know I need help. But I do not want to be hospitalized!!! Being hospitalized does not do anything for me, unless I am suicidal, which as of now I am not. I can’t say that I won’t get to that point. But I can say that I will get the proper help if it gets to that point.
So confused… lost… empty… everything is darkened… nothing is clear, all blurry…
I look outside my window and see that the sun is shining, the sky is blue with some white clouds… and nothing. I don’t see the beauty that I normally see when looking out my window. It’s like a boring painting. I feel as if I am in a small cardboard box, nothing around me is real. They are just objects that have been placed around me by some puppeteer. And this puppeteer is watching me, tugging/teasing me (with an evil grin, while rubbing hands together in anticipation), waiting for me to react a certain way. It is revelling in my pain and confusion. It wants to see me fail… it wants to watch me fall… it is anxiously waiting for me to crash. It is testing me. But I am fighting with all my might. I know I am strong, I know I can overcome this. I know it is possible because I have done it before. But it is getting so difficult, by the second, the minute, the hour… I am trying… I am pushing. Maybe I should just accept it as it is and stop fighting so hard. I should just let it consume me and then eventually be done with it, sort of like flushing it through my system. NOTE: Done with the pain, confusion and all of the other emotions, not my life. I still have lots of life left in me, I know this. I do not wish to die. That is not the answer for me right now. But what is? What is the answer? Is there an answer? What are the questions? It feels as though the blood coursing through my veins has been tainted, poisoning my heart, my brain, my thoughts. I feel everything yet nothing at the same time. How is that possible?
Am I grieving the loss of all the happiness I had found? Am I grieving the joy I was living with in my heart for the past couple of years? It is gone… lost… I do however can still feel a glimpse of it lingering around. It is there, I know it is. It is afraid, it is trapped, it is covered with all of the awfulness of darkness and hatred.
I feel I have let myself and everyone around me down. I feel I have failed myself and others. Although I KNOW that is not the case. It’s just how I feel because I had been so “well” for so long. So long in this case was around 2 years. For me, that was a record. Yes, I tripped, fell and struggled through a few times throughout this period. But I was able to bounce back within a day or two.
Not even my babies (dogs) can comfort me right now, which is something they always have done, just by being next to me. They are both napping right next to me. I look at them, and don’t feel the love and adoration I have for them, and that hurts me… it hurts really bad. They are my babies, my loves, my heart. Why do I feel this way? This scares me. What is wrong with me?
Music… ahh music… There is nothing that listening to good music can cure, right??? Wrong… I have been listening to my playlists all afternoon, trying to feel something/anything from the tunes, lyrics and meanings. I love music, it has always been there for me, helping me with my moods, usually putting me in a much better mood… And food! I have always loved food!! Now I have to force myself to eat, and I don’t enjoy it at all. Nothing has a taste anymore, it is all bland, colorless and boring.
Anyway, my writing all of this is another attempt of trying to feel better, trying to figure out what is really wrong, if anything at all. Who is this person? What have I become? Who am I? I dislike being this person I am right now, whoever that may be. I do not wish to bring anyone down with me. I am not looking for a pity party. I don’t feel sorry for myself and neither should anyone else. I am just seeking support and understanding and acceptance, and maybe a little guidance. I know when I am all happy and joyful, I would like to take everyone with me on that journey/road. I only wish bliss, peace, happiness and joy for everyone. I wish for everyone to be able to find all of that in themselves, like I once did. I guess I am back to square one on this journey back to who I have been the past couple of years.
That is probably why I feel like I have failed myself and others. I gave hope, which was my main purpose. What will those people think now? Will they still feel hope, will they still believe in it and that it does/can get better?? I really hope so. I do not want to be the reason anyone would give up or lose hope. And that is NOT what I am doing. I am NOT giving up!!! I haven’t lost any hope, it’s all there, and that is in part what is helping me make it through the day. I KNOW it DOES get better! I KNOW it WILL get better! But when??? And how much longer do I have to feel/live like this? Considering I lived in complete misery for decades, you would think I would be used to it. But NO! I don’t think after climbing out of the pits of hell, one could possibly go back and be okay with it, and think “okay, it’s cool, I’ll hang around here for a while.” Even though I have lived through all of this before, it all feels so new, much more intense. I was able to let all of the feelings/emotions go. I tossed them behind me, rarely looking back. (only looking back on occasions, to see/realize how far I had come).
I feel like I have failed because I was perceived as a strong one. A happy one, full of love and life. And I have none of that right now I was riding on a happy train, asking, wishing for everyone to jump in with me. My happy train has derailed… but for those that jumped on with me, stay there! Stay there as long as you can. Then maybe one day, hopefully sooner than later, some of you could reach your arms out and pull me right back in.
Until then, stay strong. Remain hopeful no matter what. Don’t ever give up on yourself or others. Be there for each other. Be there for yourself, take some well deserved “me” time. Live life to the fullest. Enjoy every moment you can. Don’t take ANYTHING for granted. Love with all that you can! Forgive yourself and others and move on. Life goes on… It’s up to you as to how you want it to go on. I will keep repeating and trying to follow the advice I have given others in this situation.
Sorry for the rant. I have never written so much about myself and feelings in my life since I started this blog. I have always kept a journal, but that was nothing compared to this. I find this helps me a little bit. It is a way of getting everything on my mind out of it. A release of some sort. Otherwise, all of this would stay in there and fester and get worse, until getting extremely close to the point of no return. I am just trying to look out for myself and help myself.
I guess… all of this in a nutshell is that I feel dead inside…
Peace, love, happiness and all the warm fuzzies you can handle!!! Much love! <3