Just a little update:
I made it another day Yesterday was an improvement from the previous day. Hopefully it will just keep getting better. Thanks for all of your kindness and support!
Have a fabulous weekend!!!
Just a little update:
I made it another day Yesterday was an improvement from the previous day. Hopefully it will just keep getting better. Thanks for all of your kindness and support!
Have a fabulous weekend!!!
Good afternoon from sunny Arizona. It is a new day and a gorgeous one at that. Today I must take the time to go outside, breathe in some fresh air and take in some sunshine!!! I know that can only help me!
Last night ended up being rough. I can say that this is has strangest “episode” I have had. Plenty of anxiety, mixed in with a bit of mania, some depression, delusional (which is extremely rare for me), I was close to losing it last night. I was looking at myself in the mirror, then it felt that it was not me looking back. It was someone else, someone who was me, but not me. My eyes were not my own. I know, doesn’t make much sense. I was terrified at this person glaring back at me from the mirror. She was evil and wanted to hurt me. That is when I started losing it. Nothing like this has ever happened before. I was scared and confused, not sure what to do. So I texted M what was going on, and he left school early to be with me. I was crying and shaking in bed when he got home. Took a little while to calm me down. Then I eventually fell asleep.
I took some photos of what “she” wrote on the mirrors. It’s me in the photos, not her.
My M came to the rescue and stayed home from work today to make sure I am okay. That’s the thing about this disease though. For me, it comes and goes in phases. I will be somewhat okay for a few hours up to a day or two, then everything comes tumbling down and I “flip” out. This “episode” or whatever it is has lasted a little over 2 weeks, with some good days in there. Before that, I was okay for over 2 years, with little baby episodes that lasted 1 day at the most and was able to easily get back to “normal” living. And by baby episodes I mean mainly changes in mood like severe anger to slight depression. It has been bad before, but again, nothing to this extent.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist March 6th. I think I really need to be seen/evaluated before then, so I am going to do a walk in on Monday. And if this gets any worse before then I will go to the hospital (even though I really don’t want to). The reason I hate being hospitalized is that I go to the VA. The Veterans psych ward does nothing. Meaning they just keep you there, like a holding cell. While this would be good for the suicidal to keep them from harming themselves, it’s not good for anything else. They do not have any type of therapy or group therapy. You just sit around all day long, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. They do have a day room where you can watch whatever they have on the tv, but that’s it. So that is why I am so adamant about going. I don’t feel it would help me at this point. If they offered some/any type of therapy, then I would be more apt to going.
I am already feeling a little nervous, a bit shaky. So I am going to get up and do something before it gets worse.
NOTE: I am starting to feel a little strange about this “blogging” thing. It has gotten so personal, but I guess that’s part of it. I was never an open book, I kept everything to myself. So writing about my personal struggles for everyone to see, just seems strange to me. While writing about my success stories is much easier and not strange at all. It’s only natural I suppose. Not many people like to share their hardships, unless it ends with success. I decided to share it all. The good and the bad, after all that is life with a mental disorder. And I suppose that is what I would like everyone to see/realize. There are great days and awful days. We must struggle through the awful times to make it to the good times, and that makes it all worth while. Thanks for “listening” (reading).
Where to begin?? I haven’t a clue! I don’t know what the hell is going on inside my mind. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with a good day here and there. But right now and the past few days I haven’t been able to shake this anxiety. It has never been this bad! I do not know what to do with it??? I try to do other things, watch tv, read, walk and yet I still feel it. I am unable to calm down. I am not able to focus on anything. Why am I so damn anxious? I have nothing to worry about, everything is fine. I don’t know what the f to do anymore. This is getting to be too much. I do not drink alcohol, because it normally makes me worse. But I had a few drinks the other day to see if it would help calm me down a bit, and it did. But I am not going to start drinking to keep myself calm, that would cause an entirely new set of problems I do not need. I feel like I am on the edge ALL the time. My body feels it too, and this does not feel good. I feel like a nervous wreck. I feel like a real thin glass bottle teetering around, and with the slightest touch or breeze will fall over and shatter into a million pieces.
How have I come to be at this place??? Why can’t I just get back to the place I was a few weeks ago. My happy place, where I was okay and able to handle day-to-day life? Why has it been so difficult to get back there. I feel like a total failure (although I realize I am not). That is just how I feel. Who have I failed?? Myself? for feeling like this? No. So why would I call what I am going through a “failure” of some sort? Now I am just talking/ranting to myself… Perhaps calling it a “set back” would be more appropriate. I really don’t know. Does it really need a name? Does it really need a label? It is just something I am going through and cannot figure how to make it stop or get out of it….. It’s getting frustrating and scary. Scary because, usually it gets worse before getting better. “Worse” being me hospitalized for one “reason” or another.
I am also tired of depending on certain medications to calm me down. Yes, they help for a little while, but then what? I eventually get anxious all over again. The medications are only a temporary fix. I must find something better and a more permanent fix. But WHAT???
I haven’t cut myself in a while, until 2 nights ago. This time the reasons were different from other times I had self-harmed. I cut myself a few times on my forehead, right below my hairline. I guess I was hoping cutting there would open a path for the anxiety and anxious thoughts to make their way out. I am not an idiot and I realize that would not really happen, but I just really wanted it to happen. I also did it there, because it can’t be seen because of my bangs. Don’t want anyone seeing what I have done.
I am at my wit’s end!!! Thankfully I have reached out. I am flying my sister over to be with me, since my husband is gone all day and night with work and school. At this point, I realize I need supervision, but I refuse to be hospitalized (unless it’s totally necessary) which as of now, it is not necessary.
lost, nervous, confused and scared… losing my grip…
The sliding door is open. Enjoying the cool breeze and listening to the birds singing. Looking at the glorious clear blue sky and the trees. They are no longer paintings, they are real. Everything is real. The puppeteer is gone and angry. Looks like I showed him! He wanted to see me fail/fall, he thought that would happen, because he had no faith in me, did not believe I was strong enough. But I was and am strong enough. I had faith and believed in myself and was able to pull through. I also had help from my friends kind words, support, encouragement and belief. (Thank you for that!!!)
I look at my babies (dogs) and feel overwhelmed with love. Side note: Last night Sammie cuddled with me for about 1 hour. She never left my side. She has never done that before, not for that long. She’ll come by me every now and then for a little petting, but always goes on her own to the other side of the couch. She knew what she was doing, and it worked It is amazing what dogs realize, know and can feel.
The light is fighting its way through the darkness. Things are a little more clear. Things are slowly looking better. I am feeling slightly better, and really enjoying this right now. I don’t think I am in the total clear just yet, but that’s okay, just as long as I keep moving forward. And if I happen to fall back, that’s okay too. Because I know I will get up, dust myself off, and keep trying. I am not rushing anything. I am going with the flow, taking it slow (baby steps). Don’t want to set myself up for anything bad. No shortcuts for me. I must follow every step carefully and get there on my own terms.
Thank you for all of the love and support you show me!!! I always thought that people didn’t care. That everyone was out for themselves. I had little faith in people and their ulterior motives. I was wrong. People DO care! It’s just a matter of finding the right people And it seems I have found many, and I am in great company!
Peace, love, happiness and oodles of hugs!!!
Heavy heart. Tightness in my chest… yet again. It has only been a couple of days since my extreme panic attack. Not ready for another one just yet. This has never happened before. Usually after a panic attack I am good to go for a while. What the heck is going on? I am so confused right now. These feelings/emotions are killing me. I was somewhat “okay” yesterday, felt like things were getting better. Or maybe I have been fooling myself, that I was/am feeling better. Perhaps by saying I am okay, will make me feel okay by default. Not really working.
Have been feeling a bit apathetic. Right now I feel this extreme heaviness yet emptiness in my heart/chest. I ache. I really want to cry, but I cannot. I can feel the tears in my body wanting to make their way out, they need to escape, they are trapped and not liking it. My hands are shaky. What am I so terrified of? Is there something in the back of my mind that is torturing me? What is really going on? I need help, I know I need help. But I do not want to be hospitalized!!! Being hospitalized does not do anything for me, unless I am suicidal, which as of now I am not. I can’t say that I won’t get to that point. But I can say that I will get the proper help if it gets to that point.
So confused… lost… empty… everything is darkened… nothing is clear, all blurry…
I look outside my window and see that the sun is shining, the sky is blue with some white clouds… and nothing. I don’t see the beauty that I normally see when looking out my window. It’s like a boring painting. I feel as if I am in a small cardboard box, nothing around me is real. They are just objects that have been placed around me by some puppeteer. And this puppeteer is watching me, tugging/teasing me (with an evil grin, while rubbing hands together in anticipation), waiting for me to react a certain way. It is revelling in my pain and confusion. It wants to see me fail… it wants to watch me fall… it is anxiously waiting for me to crash. It is testing me. But I am fighting with all my might. I know I am strong, I know I can overcome this. I know it is possible because I have done it before. But it is getting so difficult, by the second, the minute, the hour… I am trying… I am pushing. Maybe I should just accept it as it is and stop fighting so hard. I should just let it consume me and then eventually be done with it, sort of like flushing it through my system. NOTE: Done with the pain, confusion and all of the other emotions, not my life. I still have lots of life left in me, I know this. I do not wish to die. That is not the answer for me right now. But what is? What is the answer? Is there an answer? What are the questions? It feels as though the blood coursing through my veins has been tainted, poisoning my heart, my brain, my thoughts. I feel everything yet nothing at the same time. How is that possible?
Am I grieving the loss of all the happiness I had found? Am I grieving the joy I was living with in my heart for the past couple of years? It is gone… lost… I do however can still feel a glimpse of it lingering around. It is there, I know it is. It is afraid, it is trapped, it is covered with all of the awfulness of darkness and hatred.
I feel I have let myself and everyone around me down. I feel I have failed myself and others. Although I KNOW that is not the case. It’s just how I feel because I had been so “well” for so long. So long in this case was around 2 years. For me, that was a record. Yes, I tripped, fell and struggled through a few times throughout this period. But I was able to bounce back within a day or two.
Not even my babies (dogs) can comfort me right now, which is something they always have done, just by being next to me. They are both napping right next to me. I look at them, and don’t feel the love and adoration I have for them, and that hurts me… it hurts really bad. They are my babies, my loves, my heart. Why do I feel this way? This scares me. What is wrong with me?
Music… ahh music… There is nothing that listening to good music can cure, right??? Wrong… I have been listening to my playlists all afternoon, trying to feel something/anything from the tunes, lyrics and meanings. I love music, it has always been there for me, helping me with my moods, usually putting me in a much better mood… And food! I have always loved food!! Now I have to force myself to eat, and I don’t enjoy it at all. Nothing has a taste anymore, it is all bland, colorless and boring.
Anyway, my writing all of this is another attempt of trying to feel better, trying to figure out what is really wrong, if anything at all. Who is this person? What have I become? Who am I? I dislike being this person I am right now, whoever that may be. I do not wish to bring anyone down with me. I am not looking for a pity party. I don’t feel sorry for myself and neither should anyone else. I am just seeking support and understanding and acceptance, and maybe a little guidance. I know when I am all happy and joyful, I would like to take everyone with me on that journey/road. I only wish bliss, peace, happiness and joy for everyone. I wish for everyone to be able to find all of that in themselves, like I once did. I guess I am back to square one on this journey back to who I have been the past couple of years.
That is probably why I feel like I have failed myself and others. I gave hope, which was my main purpose. What will those people think now? Will they still feel hope, will they still believe in it and that it does/can get better?? I really hope so. I do not want to be the reason anyone would give up or lose hope. And that is NOT what I am doing. I am NOT giving up!!! I haven’t lost any hope, it’s all there, and that is in part what is helping me make it through the day. I KNOW it DOES get better! I KNOW it WILL get better! But when??? And how much longer do I have to feel/live like this? Considering I lived in complete misery for decades, you would think I would be used to it. But NO! I don’t think after climbing out of the pits of hell, one could possibly go back and be okay with it, and think “okay, it’s cool, I’ll hang around here for a while.” Even though I have lived through all of this before, it all feels so new, much more intense. I was able to let all of the feelings/emotions go. I tossed them behind me, rarely looking back. (only looking back on occasions, to see/realize how far I had come).
I feel like I have failed because I was perceived as a strong one. A happy one, full of love and life. And I have none of that right now I was riding on a happy train, asking, wishing for everyone to jump in with me. My happy train has derailed… but for those that jumped on with me, stay there! Stay there as long as you can. Then maybe one day, hopefully sooner than later, some of you could reach your arms out and pull me right back in.
Until then, stay strong. Remain hopeful no matter what. Don’t ever give up on yourself or others. Be there for each other. Be there for yourself, take some well deserved “me” time. Live life to the fullest. Enjoy every moment you can. Don’t take ANYTHING for granted. Love with all that you can! Forgive yourself and others and move on. Life goes on… It’s up to you as to how you want it to go on. I will keep repeating and trying to follow the advice I have given others in this situation.
Sorry for the rant. I have never written so much about myself and feelings in my life since I started this blog. I have always kept a journal, but that was nothing compared to this. I find this helps me a little bit. It is a way of getting everything on my mind out of it. A release of some sort. Otherwise, all of this would stay in there and fester and get worse, until getting extremely close to the point of no return. I am just trying to look out for myself and help myself.
I guess… all of this in a nutshell is that I feel dead inside…
Peace, love, happiness and all the warm fuzzies you can handle!!! Much love! <3
The past few days have not gotten any easier… as I had hoped. Anger, rage and fear possessed my mind, body and soul yesterday, and eventually turned into apathy. Once I was in bed, it felt like everything hit me at once. I cried (bawled) myself to sleep. Something I have not done in a very very long time. The truth is, I can’t even remember the last time I did that. My thoughts were to blame for my tears and the agony I was feeling. My awful, dark, cruel thoughts. M (my husband) tried a few times to console me, but I requested him to leave me alone. Which at the time, was the best thing for him to do, and thankfully he did. I had nothing nice to say to him, in fact, had I said what I was thinking at that time, it would have completely broken his heart, and I did not wish to do that. I was not in my right mind at all, I was not thinking straight. Although a small part of me was, I still had some reasoning left inside, and I used that to my advantage.
I kept myself safe on my bed, wallowing in my blankets and pillow. They comforted me in a way that no person could. They caressed every inch of me. Without any judgement, they gladly accepted my tears, and took in my fears, my thoughts and mental agonizing pain. They coddled me and it felt good, I felt safe. There was nothing I could say or do to cause any pain to these things I was finding such comfort in. The tears kept flowing as I kept thinking these cruel, morbid and putrid thoughts. I would have to gasp for air every now and then. The pain and agony were so consuming. I was so confused! Why was I thinking these things? Why was I thinking this way? What was wrong with me? What was wrong with my brain? WHY? WHY? WHY? I never found an answer or figured out the why. I eventually left it as “just because… it is what it is.” NOTE 1: yes, my blankets made me feel safe, but knowing M was around made me feel safer. If he would not have been around, I would not have felt safe… with or without blankets. NOTE 2: And, yes, I still asked myself these questions knowing I have bipolar disorder. Which is basically the answer to all of those questions. With bipolar disorder there isn’t always an answer. Sometimes, it just is…
I tried to get rid of those thoughts by putting in ear phones and blasting music. I was hoping, that having such loud sounds in my ear/mind would be able to stop or drown out the destructive thinking. It didn’t help. But it did keep me in bed and away from anything I could harm myself with, so in a way, yes, it actually did help. After, what I am guessing was 1 hour, I drifted off into sleep.
WARNING TRIGGERS: some of the thoughts I was having: getting a knife and stabbing it into my wrist, all the way through. Or stabbing it through my hand. Stabbing myself in the stomach or chest. I was not suicidal, I did not wish to die. I just wanted to really physically hurt myself. The little reasoning I had left in my mind, was able to think of my family and friends and wonder how it would make them feel if I were to actually do it, the pain I could possibly cause. That in turn made my heart and chest hurt even more, because I was even thinking these things in the first place. How could I possibly think these things when I have so much love and so much to be thankful for in my life. WHY in the fuck was I thinking and feeling this way?? It made no sense to me. I have been doing/feeling so well for so long. After feeling and doing so well for more than a few months, I would wonder when something like this was going to happen. In the back of my mind I was always waiting for that crash to come and pummel me down. I thought, how could I be so happy for so long, was it possible? Would I ever go back to that awful place of pain, agony and despair?? Then one day I stopped wondering if something like this was going to happen. I let it be. I lived my life. So two years went by, with no pummeling of misery. For two years, I was well. I did have a bad day here and there, but nothing severe. Nothing I could not handle.
Then this happens. I should know better, I am not stupid. I know I live with a lifelong disease. BUT, I did think that with proper management everything would remain good. I take my medications as prescribed, I eat right, exercise, I get the right amount of sleep, I go to therapy. So everything should be fine, right? I could stop living in fear that I would “fall” again.
Well, that is just the nature of the beast. I have fallen. I am still down and struggling, but the one difference now (from my previous ‘falls’) is that I am fighting. I am fighting as hard and as much as I can. It is exhausting, very exhausting. It takes plenty of work, work from every inch of my being. But I am NOT going to give in to this or give up!! I have seen what both sides look like. And I choose to be on the brighter, happier, sunny side. Screw the deep dark pits of misery, agony and self-hatred. I do not belong there!! Nobody does!
So for now, I will take it minute by minute, day by day. It still hurts. The pain is still extreme and overwhelming. It is agonizing! All I want to do is cry, and punch, and scream, and kick… I want all of this to go away NOW. It is too much to bear. But I am a fighter now and throughout a lifetime of falls, I have become much stronger. I know this isn’t going to miraculously go away overnight (and yes, I had hoped for that). I know what I need to do for myself and everything else that needs to be done. So I AM GOING TO DO IT no matter how long it takes. I want all of this heaviness in my chest and heart ache gone. I don’t need this shit! I want my warm fuzzies, butterflies and sunshine back! I have no clue how long it will take to get me back to where I was before this happened. What I do know, is that I will keep breathing, will keep trying, will keep struggling through it, until I can smile again and mean it. Until my heart is happy and full of joy again.
Wow! Who knew I could write so damn much! Definitely not me. I always hated having to write papers. I also had a difficult time getting in to the details. I was always straight to the point. Look at me now All of these feelings, thoughts and emotions kept flowing right on through to my hands, to the laptop, and landing right here on this page.
One more note: Having the surgery last Wednesday, even though everything went fine, could quite possibly be the culprit of all of this. I spoke with my psychiatrist today about what has been going on, and she said to wait a few days to see if I feel/get better. And if I don’t, then maybe it’s time to change/start/stop medications. So here is to hoping having the surgery was the root of all of this, because I really don’t want to adjust my medications. They have been doing wonders for 2 years. But I am willing to do whatever needs to be done, to get/feel better. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I have a purpose!
Thanks for listening/reading
Writing this while hoping not to cause myself any more triggers. I just feel like I have to get this off of my mind and chest. And if I don’t write about it soon, I will probably forget about the details, and I am extremely forgetful. Todays writing may be a little off with grammar and wording, and may not make any sense, because I am still feeling a bit off. But I don’t really care right now. So pardon all the errors, and please bear with me. I am usually extremely detailed about grammar and spelling, but I digress, that is not what I am here to write about. I also only write when things are going pretty good. So here is the not so good part. There isn’t only one side to bipolar disorder, there are many sides. And I am hoping to write about every one of them, not all today, I just mean throughout the days, months and years. The good, the bad and the ugly.
I am feeling a bit hyper right now. Just took 3 Ativan hoping it will work this time, unlike last night, which they actually made me hyper and a little psychotic. I decided to give them one more chance, since I have never had a problem before. If they do not calm me down, or if I get manic or psychotic, then I will have to stop them.
It was a nice Saturday morning and afternoon. Was not doing much, just a bit of laundry and hanging out on the sofa taking it easy. Not really much on my mind. Then around 4pm or so, I started feeling a tightness in my chest. It was uncomfortable, but bearable. A little while after I started taking my blood pressure, which was erratic. It went to hypertension and then normal, then back up. My pulse ranged from 115-150. My breathing was normal. My fingers started feeling tingly and numb, then it worked it’s way to my legs and feet. We decided it was time to go to the VA Emergency Room, just to be on the safe side, since I did had surgery on Wednesday. I have had panic/anxiety attacks before, but none that ever felt this way. Buy the time I reached the doors to the ER I fell down. I lost feeling in my legs and arms. I will try my best to describe what I was feeling in my body in the simplest way possible. They put me in a wheelchair and I sat there for a while, until they moved me to a bed. My hands and feet were completely stiff, it hurt to move/bend them. I would try to bend my fingers, but couldn’t. It felt like my veins and bones turned into cement in my arms, hands, legs and feet. I was completely tensed up. My breathing was normal throughout, with the exception of when trying to move my hands and feet, I would hyperventilate a little bit from the pain of trying to move my body parts. They did an EKG and found I had tachycardia, but everything was completely normal. They gave me an IV to hydrate me, and gave me 1mg Ativan. They did some bloodwork, which everything came back normal with the exception of low level of phosphate and gave me pills for that to take for a couple of day to bring those levels up. So after all of that, I felt a bit better. No stiffness in my joints or body. Still a little tingly, but not severe. After the hospital got something to eat, then went home. I went straight for the bed. Trying to be calm and cool. Didn’t feel like that. So I asked my husband for another Ativan (he keeps the medications locked up for my own safety). So anyway he gave me 1mg more of Ativan. Well, it felt like I was on speed, felt awful, and that is why I am calling it a psychotic episode, brief as it may have been. Felt like an eternity to me, in real time was probably 30-40 minutes. My mind felt like it was absorbing all of my past (good and bad), my life and those around me, and many other senseless thoughts that had no purpose in being there. I felt completely overwhelmed, and ended up bawling under the covers for a couple of minutes, then felt a little better after letting all of that out. I felt in extreme emotional pain. So I asked him for one more Ativan (max dose is 4mg), I was at 3mg at that point. It eventually calmed me down and I feel asleep. In between all of this, I felt completely out of control and was trying my best to control what was going on in my brain. My thoughts were dark and bloody, thinking about self harm, such as grabbing a knife and jabbing it into my hand or arm. NOTE: these were just thoughts, I probably would have not done it. But those thoughts still scared the shit out of me, because there was that tiny chance that I may end up doing it. So the controlling and reasoning part of me (which was somewhat still working) told my husband to lock up all of the pills and hide the knifes, which he did. So I do have to give myself kudos for being honest and taking a little initiative to maintain my well being… from physical injury.
^^^ yes, it may just look like scribbles, but this was the best way to put my thoughts and mind ramblings on paper.
Sorry if I went back and forth in my sentences. I am now on 3mg of Ativan, so feeling slightly loopy, which is much better than being hyper and psychotic. So it was worth giving it another try. It is serving its purpose. Hopefully everything made sense, and I am sure you will all be able to figure out any misspellings and such.
NOTE!! I am not advocating that you should pop a pill whenever you think you can’t handle certain things. There are no miracle pills. These pills I had to take in order to prevent from getting worse, and full blown mania or psychosis. And I am under close supervision by a psychologist and psychiatrist. I am also working to improve myself, so maybe the day will come where I will have no need to medication, at least anti-anxiety medications. This is all a life long process, to find what works and doesn’t work for you.
And even though things are going well, it is okay to “slip” up and have an “episode.” We can only be strong for so long. Just as long as you pick up where you left off, and always work on getting back up there, and working on self-improvement and better managing skills. I am not going to let this “slip” ruin everything I have worked for. And yes, for me, I consider this is just a slip. I did feel really foolish having to go to the ER for a panic attack, but it is better to be safe than sorry. The doctor there was the best ER doctor I have ever had. He was very thorough, and before he left, he made a statement, that I hope should stick with me forever “I am glad you came here, it is better to get everything checked out and rule out everything else” Before he made that statement, I had felt like a total fool. I kept apologizing to my husband for dragging me to the ER just for a panic attack. I actually felt guilty. I should know better, and that it is totally acceptable to have panic attacks, and that I should not feel guilty for stupid. I would never say anything bad about anyone else having a panic attack, I would definitely tell them to go to the ER if it gets to that point. And yet, I felt like a total idiot and pretty stupid.
Overall it was an okay experience because the doctor treated me and my husband with nothing but respect. Something rare when going to an ER for a panic attack, suicidal gestures or anything mental health related. You wouldn’t believe the things I have been told by nurses and doctors, and even negativity towards my husband. Anyway, I must bring up one thing that really bothered me and my husband. The nurse was removing the IV from the side of my wrist, the tape was sticking pretty good, so I tried helping her with the tape, removing it. Well it seems like she was in a bad mood or something, instead of carefully removing the little tube in from my vein, she yanked it out, with all the tape. And I mean complete yank, not gentle, with full force. It was quite painful. My husband and I were very surprised that she did that. No nurse has ever done that before. But oh well…
Okay, so now all 3mg of the Ativan have taken affect, so I am feeling good. Probably going to take a nap, or watch some tv.
Hopefully I made some sense in writing all of this. I would proofread, but I don’t think it would make a difference, being that I am super calm and slightly loopy. So just try to make as much sense of it as you can. And again, pardon the grammar and spelling. Those are huge pet peeves for me, when my brain is fully functioning with no drugs in my system.
I think I still have lots more to write. But my brain is now in total relax mode. So I will keep it there. If I remember what the heck else I was going to write, I will write later. This does seem pretty long, and I am not much of a writer. But once the thoughts and inner juices start flowing they just don’t stop sometimes.
With that, I say… until next time Peace, love, happiness and all the good warm fuzzies you can handle.
Much love. <3
I guess this is kind of how I am feeling now. Trying not to be a downer nor do I want a pity party. I just know when to ask for help when I need it. Something I never did before, and it usually ended up badly. So I am just asking for encouragement, prayers and good vibes, whatever higher power you use that helps you. I am somewhat stable right now, at about 65%, so I still need a little way to go to get back to 100% and I realize that will not happen overnight (like I wish). But I am sure I will be back to 100% at least by Friday. Just taking it slowly, don’t want to rush myself and miss something important in the process.
And I hope that what is going on with me right now does not discourage you in any way. Don’t keep it in the back of your mind, that you may have a slip up. Just live your life day by day and don’t concern yourself with possible slip ups. Focus on the now, and what is going good. And I hate to use the word “slip up” but right now I cannot think of another appropriate word for this situation. Because at times we do not have control over what is going on in our minds, so in those instances I would not call them “slip ups”. They may or may not happen, but worrying about them happening is not going to make it any easier. One good thing I will bring up is having a plan set aside, just in case you do slip up. For example: who will you call and confide in, what exactly will you do, what precautions you will take so as not to harm yourself or others in anyway, and what are ways to try and avoid slip ups. Make a plan with friends or family members, write everything down and give copies to those you trust and may need in those times of needs. It’s nice to have a safety plan on the side. But sometimes, our minds are beyond that, and really don’t give a shit about a safety plan. But at least it will be there just in case. Make sense?
This too shall pass, I realize and accept that. Just have to struggle on through. My point is, that even though if things are going very well in your life and you are not stressing about anything, you may have a slip up, and it is perfectly normal and okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it! Accept what has happened and move right along.
Already overwhelmed. I knew this was going to take plenty of effort on my part, but it’s way more than I thought. Already feeling a little discouraged. I am going to stick with it and do as much as I can. I know where some of the difficulties will be. “One thing at a time”… how to do that? I tend to want to do everything at once, or a few things at a time. For the most part because I get bored easily. But I guess that is what part of mindfulness is. I will be able to focus on one thing at a time and be okay with that. As of now, I am not. That is going to take lots of practice.
Today we did a meditation practice. I had to sit still for 5 minutes and focus on my breathing. I did it with my eyes closed, maybe next time I will try it with my eyes open. It was extremely difficult. I started freaking out after the first 30 seconds. I sat still, but my mind was losing it. All I could think of was “this 5 minutes is going to last forever” and I was dreading every single second of it. After about 2 minutes I started feeling a tightness in my chest. After the 5 minutes were up, I was extremely relieved, although I was still tensed up for about 1 hour. Having ADD doesn’t help. BUT, this is the first time I have tried this. And like with everything else, it will take practice (I realize that). I will have to motivate myself every day to do this 5 minute meditation.
The foundation for this therapy is mindfulness. Something I lack in certain aspects. Once I learn the mindfulness skills, I will learn how to apply them to all areas of my life.
One thing at a Time:
Be Effective, Not Right:
Adapted from Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan (1993). The Guilford Press
I must focus on one thing at a time… I must focus on one thing at a time… I must focus…