Writing this while hoping not to cause myself any more triggers. I just feel like I have to get this off of my mind and chest. And if I don’t write about it soon, I will probably forget about the details, and I am extremely forgetful. Todays writing may be a little off with grammar and wording, and may not make any sense, because I am still feeling a bit off. But I don’t really care right now. So pardon all the errors, and please bear with me. I am usually extremely detailed about grammar and spelling, but I digress, that is not what I am here to write about. I also only write when things are going pretty good. So here is the not so good part. There isn’t only one side to bipolar disorder, there are many sides. And I am hoping to write about every one of them, not all today, I just mean throughout the days, months and years. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I am feeling a bit hyper right now. Just took 3 Ativan hoping it will work this time, unlike last night, which they actually made me hyper and a little psychotic. I decided to give them one more chance, since I have never had a problem before. If they do not calm me down, or if I get manic or psychotic, then I will have to stop them.

It was a nice Saturday morning and afternoon. Was not doing much, just a bit of laundry and hanging out on the sofa taking it easy. Not really much on my mind. Then around 4pm or so, I started feeling a tightness in my chest. It was uncomfortable, but bearable. A little while after I started taking my blood pressure, which was erratic. It went to hypertension and then normal, then back up. My pulse ranged from 115-150. My breathing was normal. My fingers started feeling tingly and numb, then it worked it’s way to my legs and feet. We decided it was time to go to the VA Emergency Room, just to be on the safe side, since I did had surgery on Wednesday. I have had panic/anxiety attacks before, but none that ever felt this way. Buy the time I reached the doors to the ER I fell down. I lost feeling in my legs and arms. I will try my best to describe what I was feeling in my body in the simplest way possible. They put me in a wheelchair and I sat there for a while, until they moved me to a bed. My hands and feet were completely stiff, it hurt to move/bend them. I would try to bend my fingers, but couldn’t. It felt like my veins and bones turned into cement in my arms, hands, legs and feet. I was completely tensed up. My breathing was normal throughout, with the exception of when trying to move my hands and feet, I would hyperventilate a little bit from the pain of trying to move my body parts. They did an EKG and found I had tachycardia, but everything was completely normal. They gave me an IV to hydrate me, and gave me 1mg Ativan. They did some bloodwork, which everything came back normal with the exception of low level of phosphate and gave me pills for that to take for a couple of day to bring those levels up. So after all of that, I felt a bit better. No stiffness in my joints or body. Still a little tingly, but not severe. After the hospital got something to eat, then went home. I went straight for the bed. Trying to be calm and cool. Didn’t feel like that. So I asked my husband for another Ativan (he keeps the medications locked up for my own safety). So anyway he gave me 1mg more of Ativan. Well, it felt like I was on speed, felt awful, and that is why I am calling it a psychotic episode, brief as it may have been. Felt like an eternity to me, in real time was probably 30-40 minutes. My mind felt like it was absorbing all of my past (good and bad), my life and those around me, and many other senseless thoughts that had no purpose in being there. I felt completely overwhelmed, and ended up bawling under the covers for a couple of minutes, then felt a little better after letting all of that out. I felt in extreme emotional pain. So I asked him for one more Ativan (max dose is 4mg), I was at 3mg at that point. It eventually calmed me down and I feel asleep. In between all of this, I felt completely out of control and was trying my best to control what was going on in my brain. My thoughts were dark and bloody, thinking about self harm, such as grabbing a knife and jabbing it into my hand or arm. NOTE: these were just thoughts, I probably would have not done it. But those thoughts still scared the shit out of me, because there was that tiny chance that I may end up doing it. So the controlling and reasoning part of me (which was somewhat still working) told my husband to lock up all of the pills and hide the knifes, which he did. So I do have to give myself kudos for being honest and taking a little initiative to maintain my well being… from physical injury.

brief psychotic episode. this is what was going on in my mind.

^^^ yes, it may just look like scribbles, but this was the best way to put my thoughts and mind ramblings on paper.

Sorry if I went back and forth in my sentences. I am now on 3mg of Ativan, so feeling slightly loopy, which is much better than being hyper and psychotic. So it was worth giving it another try. It is serving its purpose. Hopefully everything made sense, and I am sure you will all be able to figure out any misspellings and such.

NOTE!! I am not advocating that you should pop a pill whenever you think you can’t handle certain things. There are no miracle pills. These pills I had to take in order to prevent from getting worse, and full blown mania or psychosis. And I am under close supervision by a psychologist and psychiatrist. I am also working to improve myself, so maybe the day will come where I will have no need to medication, at least anti-anxiety medications. This is all a life long process, to find what works and doesn’t work for you.

And even though things are going well, it is okay to “slip” up and have an “episode.” We can only be strong for so long. Just as long as you pick up where you left off, and always work on getting back up there, and working on self-improvement and better managing skills. I am not going to let this “slip” ruin everything I have worked for. And yes, for me, I consider this is just a slip. I did feel really foolish having to go to the ER for a panic attack, but it is better to be safe than sorry. The doctor there was the best ER doctor I have ever had. He was very thorough, and before he left, he made a statement, that I hope should stick with me forever “I am glad you came here, it is better to get everything checked out and rule out everything else” Before he made that statement, I had felt like a total fool. I kept apologizing to my husband for dragging me to the ER just for a panic attack. I actually felt guilty. I should know better, and that it is totally acceptable to have panic attacks, and that I should not feel guilty for stupid. I would never say anything bad about anyone else having a panic attack, I would definitely tell them to go to the ER if it gets to that point. And yet, I felt like a total idiot and pretty stupid.

Overall it was an okay experience because the doctor treated me and my husband with nothing but respect. Something rare when going to an ER for a panic attack, suicidal gestures or anything mental health related. You wouldn’t believe the things I have been told by nurses and doctors, and even negativity towards my husband. Anyway, I must bring up one thing that really bothered me and my husband. The nurse was removing the IV from the side of my wrist, the tape was sticking pretty good, so I tried helping her with the tape, removing it. Well it seems like she was in a bad mood or something, instead of carefully removing the little tube in from my vein, she yanked it out, with all the tape. And I mean complete yank, not gentle, with full force. It was quite painful. My husband and I were very surprised that she did that. No nurse has ever done that before. But oh well…

Okay, so now all 3mg of the Ativan have taken affect, so I am feeling good. Probably going to take a nap, or watch some tv.

Hopefully I made some sense in writing all of this. I would proofread, but I don’t think it would make a difference, being that I am super calm and slightly loopy. So just try to make as much sense of it as you can. And again, pardon the grammar and spelling. Those are huge pet peeves for me, when my brain is fully functioning with no drugs in my system.

I think I still have lots more to write. But my brain is now in total relax mode. So I will keep it there. If I remember what the heck else I was going to write, I will write later. This does seem pretty long, and I am not much of a writer. But once the thoughts and inner juices start flowing they just don’t stop sometimes.

With that, I say… until next time Peace, love, happiness and all the good warm fuzzies you can handle.

Much love. <3

PLEASE HELP:

I guess this is kind of how I am feeling now. Trying not to be a downer nor do I want a pity party. I just know when to ask for help when I need it. Something I never did before, and it usually ended up badly. So I am just asking for encouragement, prayers and good vibes, whatever higher power you use that helps you. I am somewhat stable right now, at about 65%, so I still need a little way to go to get back to 100% and I realize that will not happen overnight (like I wish). But I am sure I will be back to 100% at least by Friday. Just taking it slowly, don’t want to rush myself and miss something important in the process.

And I hope that what is going on with me right now does not discourage you in any way. Don’t keep it in the back of your mind, that you may have a slip up. Just live your life day by day and don’t concern yourself with possible slip ups. Focus on the now, and what is going good. And I hate to use the word “slip up” but right now I cannot think of another appropriate word for this situation. Because at times we do not have control over what is going on in our minds, so in those instances I would not call them “slip ups”. They may or may not happen, but worrying about them happening is not going to make it any easier. One good thing I will bring up is having a plan set aside, just in case you do slip up. For example: who will you call and confide in, what exactly will you do, what precautions you will take so as not to harm yourself or others in anyway, and what are ways to try and avoid slip ups. Make a plan with friends or family members, write everything down and give copies to those you trust and may need in those times of needs. It’s nice to have a safety plan on the side. But sometimes, our minds are beyond that, and really don’t give a shit about a safety plan. But at least it will be there just in case. Make sense?

This too shall pass, I realize and accept that. Just have to struggle on through. My point is, that even though if things are going very well in your life and you are not stressing about anything, you may have a slip up, and it is perfectly normal and okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it! Accept what has happened and move right along.