It has been an uneventful couple of weeks. Which, in a way, is a good thing.
Sometimes, I feel as though I am wasting my life away, sitting here on the sofa, all day playing on the computer and iPad… still sitting on the sofa at night watching TV. While a part of me enjoys not having a job, it gets pretty boring. I do other things, like walk the dogs a couple of times a day, clean the apartment, laundry, cook, workout… all of that fun stuff. Sometimes I get the creative bug and decide to paint, draw or just make random things. I volunteer here and there, nothing on a regular basis. Which is something I really would like to do. I do plan on checking out places nearby to volunteer that I care about, such as animal shelters or at the local Veterans Hospital (I am practically there all the time anyway). It just got a little difficult because we now only have 1 vehicle and a motorcycle. With it being cold now and raining, my husband needs the car to go to work. He does take the bike to work when I have to go to my appointments, which is maybe 1 time a week. Been thinking about purchasing a new hybrid car. But then that would be another payment.
I don’t think I could handle the everyday stresses of having a job. I already have a difficult time trying to fall asleep when I know I have to get up early. I guess the thought of having to wake up early remains in the back of my mind, and won’t let me sleep for fear of not waking up in time. I really don’t know… Another reason I would probably not be a good employee is that I am extremely forgetful. I was working as a receptionist a while back, and one time I had a phone call and had to ask the man his name like 3 or 4 times. It actually pissed him off and then got very rude with me (making me feel like shit). But oh well. And my final reason is my attention span, I have ADD and the medication helps a little, but my mind is still always all over the place. It always feels like I am forgetting something and I hate that feeling. I can’t shake it. I probably get that feeling because I will think of something I have to do, and then in a split second I forget what it was. That happens all day and into the evening. Extremely annoying!!! I tell myself I need to keep a little notebook with me and write everything down, or just type it in on my phone in the “notes” app. But by the time I get my phone or notepad, the thought is gone. Note to self: must work on how to improve memory.
It’s great that I can live off of disability. While at times, I felt I was undeserving of it. But, I did serve my time in the military and worked while I could. So I guess I am entitled to it. The guilt I used to feel is gone. I felt I did not deserve it because there are other people out there worse off than me, that really deserve it. My thought process was/is messed up and I know it, and knowing is half the battle I also felt really guilty because I was depressed. I felt there was no reason for me to feel depressed. I had everything anyone could ever want. I had a loving supportive family, friends. I had nice clothes, a butt load of “stuff”, a home, a vehicle. I was in good health (with some chronic problems, but nothing serious). I felt that I should be happy because I had all that. But I wasn’t. I was totally and utterly miserable, and that in turn made me angry, which in turn made me feel even worse. A vicious never-ending cycle. But I guess I had finally had it, I was tired of feeling all of this guilt, and what seemed to happen overnight, I was done with it. Something inside me clicked. I had found hope and a new attitude. Or maybe (I have been thinking about this lately), I just don’t give a shit anymore. I do wonder that, is it truly that I am a happy person, or is it, that I was so fed up with it, that I don’t care. I just don’t know. I do care though, I care what happens to me and those around me. I care about my life. But sometimes, for some reason I feel all of this happiness is fake… I feel really happy inside, but is it real? It has been so strange feeling happy for more than a couple of days or even weeks, going on almost 2 years now. You would think I would be used to the “feeling” by now. But I guess I am not. I do love it! It feels as though I have butterflies all inside of my body flapping their beautiful wings, spreading joy all inside of me. And I am just exploding with joy and happiness and I want to spread that all around to everyone. That’s why I started blogging. I want to send the message that it is possible to find happiness after living for so long in misery. I felt so miserable, yet numb for so long. That is probably why I am questioning this new-found happiness. Even though it has been about 2 years, it is still new to me, being that I am 36, I have spent most of my life in misery (with happy moments here and there). This happiness is still in its infancy. I guess I should stop questioning it, and just LET IT BE!!!
Hello, my name is Rebecca and I am a happy person!!! <3