I wish everything I wrote about were all good and happiness. But that would just be a lie, and I do not intend on lying. I would also just like to post all the positive that happens in my life, and not the negative, but then that would be showing just one side. I want to portray the total truth.
Yesterday was an awful day for me. I woke up feeling aggravated and a bit depressed. Not really sure why, but I will get into that later (triggers). I stayed in bed most of the day. I feel my bed is my “safe” place. I can’t physically hurt myself while in bed. The sadness eventually turned into a rage. I decided to go outside and take pictures of stuff around the apartment we live in, to take a breather and try and calm down. It worked for a little while. Went back inside the apartment, then felt like I was going to explode. I told my husband to lock up all the medications (I was having suicidal ideations throughout the day). I wanted to punch, kick, scream, just completely lose it. I did a little bit, I just punched the door in my way in the bedroom. Went to bed and started writing nonsense in my journal and had a bad crying/screaming into pillow episode. Thankfully, my loving husband came in, and stayed by my side, while I was having my crying fit. He kept telling me everything was going to be all right and comforting me. After crying for a while I had no energy left. He suggested a game of Words with Friends and I agreed. Then I eventually fell asleep. Today, I am feeling kind of numb. Not aggravated, nor depressed. No anger, nor rage. Just here. As of yet, no suicidal ideation or thoughts of harming myself.
Possible triggers for yesterdays episode:
- Our car is falling apart and it will take lots of money to get it back to normal. (money, always a factor in so many problems, gotta love it)
- Going through medical issues (the not knowing what it is I have, no diagnosis) and having to wait for more tests.
- This time of the year, the holidays, the change in weather and less sunlight.
- Concern for my family (parents and sister) and the stresses they are currently going through.
- My husband never being home because he got a new job. He works all day and goes to school all night, I see him maybe 1 hour a day Mon-Fri and on the weekends. I am not upset about this, I just have to adjust to it, because I was used to having him around all day.
- Went to mall on Saturday, saw MANY things I wanted, but could not get anything.
Now, after writing and reading all of this I feel kind of silly. I know people have it much worse than I and I feel I should be happy and great about everything all the time. But I also realize that is not realistic, especially since I have bipolar disorder and that sometimes, I am going to feel this way and there is not much I can do about it. Yes, I am in control. But sometimes, it is REALLY difficult and I think I am entitled a little breakdown every now and then. Especially considering these breakdowns used to occur frequently. They do not occur as often now, which I am extremely thankful for, because these breakdowns for me are very dangerous and scary. When I reach a certain point, I stop caring, and that is not good for me. That is when I take regrettable actions.
But thankfully, I am still here and kicking. Did not harm myself. So I will just take it slowly, one day at a time as I always do. I will focus on the positive and what IS going right in my life.