Monthly Archives: November 2011

Happy

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I am very excited to say that I will be going home for the holidays. Only bad thing is that my husband will not be joining me. He has school and work. I am looking forward to visiting with my family, friends and taking photos.

Everything has been okay. Haven’t been doing much. I am about to start working on some paperwork to try and get my schooling paid for by the Veterans Affairs Vocational Rehabilitation Program. They do not make it easy!

Monday I have a psychiatric intake appointment. I am ready to start therapy. I have been in treatment forever, but not actual therapy. I have been going to a psychiatrist, and giving the basics and getting my medicinal refills. This new therapy, I will actually be working on my “issues”. Which are many. I think I will be doing Cognitive Behavior Therapy, not sure yet. I am ready to deal with my inner demons. It’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take lots of effort from me. But at this point in my life I think I will be able to handle it and it’s about time.

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Medical Update

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The doctor changed his mind about having me do the voiding cystourethrogram (VCUG) , and had me do a pelvic ultrasound. Well I did it, and they still have no answers, so I am going to have to have the VCUG anyway. It is scheduled for Wednesday. I just want some answers! Why can’t they figure out what I have? I have had a million exams/procedures and no answers. I am just hoping after this they will have some answers for me. Until then, I just wait.

still awake

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Well I was going to try to sleep, but I can’t. So maybe writing and getting “out” of my mind will help me and I will be able to go to sleep soon after. It has been an uneventful few days for the most part. As I stated, was a bit manic here and there. Kind of scared me each time, I hate getting manic. I cannot focus, concentrate and my mind feels completely jumbled. It feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and I get shaky and nervous. I would say, I am not a functioning manic. So once it starts, it is difficult to come down. It usually last 2 days or so. So it’s been strange that it lasted only a few hours at a time. Maybe it’s time for a medication re-evaluation. I’ve been on the same meds for 2 years and they have been working just fine, except for the past 1-2 months. Going to discuss that on my next psych appointment.

As far as my anger issues, I really need to start working on that. A few years ago I started an anger management class, went 2 times, then stopped going. At the time, I figured it would be to much of an effort for me to work on my anger and really wasn’t in the mood to work on it. Lazy on my part, not wanting to have to put effort into it. I realize it is bad for me, because I go from all nice and calm at a 1, then something happens, and I will escalate to raging madwoman at a 100, within a millisecond. So I go from 1 to 100 just like that. Snap and it’s on!!! :) There is no in between. And when I am at 100, I just want to blow up, hit, punch, kick anything around me. Just throw and overall hissy fit. Which I rarely do, I just keep it all inside, which is REALLY bad. So I am signed up for another Anger Management class, I think it is 10 weeks long, 1 day a week. This time I WILL commit to it… hopefully :) Just waiting on the VA to schedule me, which can be months away. But that’s acceptable, since right now I am dealing with another medical issue. One thing at a time is good for me!

Well I am starting to feel tired, so I will call it a night. :) Tomorrow will be a new day :)

sleepless in “my mind”…

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Can’t sleep, can’t sleep, can’t sleep… Keeps repeating in my mind… Can’t shut it off. Overall the past few days have been okay. With a little bit of mania here and there and some anger issues. The small bouts of mania were a little strange because I’ve never experienced it like that before. I was up for a couple of hours and was able to eventually come down, so no full blown mania, thank goodness! Bought a humidifier today, using it now. I bring that up because the dripping sounds are driving me insane! You’d think it would be sort of soothing… But not for me, I hear the drip as if it were right next to my ears, loudly echoing. That’s one thing that bothers me, my heightened sense of hearing. Sometimes hearing every little sound gets to me. I need to learn how to drown it out. It would be nice to fall asleep right now, but I don’t feel tired at all. I’ve passed my falling asleep window. If I’m not asleep by 12am, then I’m up for hours :( its going to be a long night,,,

Never Give Up!!!

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10 Reasons To Never Give Up

1. As long as you are alive, anything is possible. The only valid excuse you have to give up is if you are dead. As long as you are alive (and healthy and free) you have the choice to keep trying until you finally succeed.

2. Be realistic. The chance of mastering something the first time you do it is almost non-existent. Everything takes time to learn and you will make mistakes. Learn from them.

3. You are strong. You are stronger than you think. One little setback is not enough to stop you from achieving your goals. Neither are 10 or 100 or 1000 setbacks.

4. Prove yourself. You don’t want to be known as someone that is weak and gives up. Go out there and prove yourself to the world and to yourself. You CAN and WILL achieve what you set out to do. The only time you fail is when you give up.

5. Believe in your dreams. Don’t sell yourself short. In life there are going to be many people who will try to bring you down and tell you what you want to achieve is not possible.

6. Your family and friends. Let the people you love and who mean the world to you be your inspiration to persist and persevere. Maybe you need to try a different angle, study more or practice more but don’t give up!

7. There are people worse-off. Right now there are many people who are in a worse situation and environment than you are. Are you thinking about giving up running 5 miles a week? Think about the people who are unable to even walk and how much they would give to be able to run 5 miles every day.

8. You deserve to be happy. Don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have success. Keep that mindset and never give up until you reach your destination!

9. Inspire others. Be an inspiration to others by refusing to give up. Who knows what someone else can achieve because you never gave up and in turn inspired them not to give up.

10. You are so close. Often when you feel like you want to give up you are so close to making a huge breakthrough. You are just a heartbeat away from success.

Source: mindbodygreen.com

Bad Day

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I wish everything I wrote about were all good and happiness. But that would just be a lie, and I do not intend on lying. I would also just like to post all the positive that happens in my life, and not the negative, but then that would be showing just one side. I want to portray the total truth.

Yesterday was an awful day for me. I woke up feeling aggravated and a bit depressed. Not really sure why, but I will get into that later (triggers). I stayed in bed most of the day. I feel my bed is my “safe” place. I can’t physically hurt myself while in bed. The sadness eventually turned into a rage. I decided to go outside and take pictures of stuff around the apartment we live in, to take a breather and try and calm down. It worked for a little while. Went back inside the apartment, then felt like I was going to explode. I told my husband to lock up all the medications (I was having suicidal ideations throughout the day). I wanted to punch, kick, scream, just completely lose it. I did a little bit, I just punched the door in my way in the bedroom. Went to bed and started writing nonsense in my journal and had a bad crying/screaming into pillow episode. Thankfully, my loving husband came in, and stayed by my side, while I was having my crying fit. He kept telling me everything was going to be all right and comforting me. After crying for a while I had no energy left. He suggested a game of Words with Friends and I agreed. Then I eventually fell asleep. Today, I am feeling kind of numb. Not aggravated, nor depressed. No anger, nor rage. Just here. As of yet, no suicidal ideation or thoughts of harming myself.

Possible triggers for yesterdays episode:

  • Our car is falling apart and it will take lots of money to get it back to normal. (money, always a factor in so many problems, gotta love it)
  • Going through medical issues (the not knowing what it is I have, no diagnosis) and having to wait for more tests.
  • This time of the year, the holidays, the change in weather and less sunlight.
  • Concern for my family (parents and sister) and the stresses they are currently going through.
  • My husband never being home because he got a new job. He works all day and goes to school all night, I see him maybe 1 hour a day Mon-Fri and on the weekends. I am not upset about this, I just have to adjust to it, because I was used to having him around all day.
  • Went to mall on Saturday, saw MANY things I wanted, but could not get anything.

Now, after writing and reading all of this I feel kind of silly. I know people have it much worse than I and I feel I should be happy and great about everything all the time. But I also realize that is not realistic, especially since I have bipolar disorder and that sometimes, I am going to feel this way and there is not much I can do about it. Yes, I am in control. But sometimes, it is REALLY difficult and I think I am entitled a little breakdown every now and then. Especially considering these breakdowns used to occur frequently. They do not occur as often now, which I am extremely thankful for, because these breakdowns for me are very dangerous and scary. When I reach a certain point, I stop caring, and that is not good for me. That is when I take regrettable actions.

But thankfully, I am still here and kicking. Did not harm myself. So I will just take it slowly, one day at a time as I always do. I will focus on the positive and what IS going right in my life.