In Memory of Sammie (Aug.98-Dec.13)

This is my most recent tattoo. This is a picture (doodle) I did of Sammie last year. In honor of her memory, I decided to get her tattooed on my leg. So I could still take her out for walks ;)

Sammie was my baby for 15 wonderful years. She found me in Germany in 1998. She was the runt of the litter, as soon as I saw her, I knew she would be an important part of my life. She traveled the world with me, always faithfully by my side. I love her and miss her so much. Putting her to rest was the most difficult decision I have ever made. But I knew it was time. I decided to be in the room while it was done. My husband and her ‘sister’ Roxy were also there. My heart hurt so much watching her as she slipped away. I did NOT want to let her go, but I had no choice. While it was extremely rough being there when it happened, I am glad I was there, as she made her way to the Rainbow Bridge.

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Thank you!

I just wanted to take a minute to thank you all for the love and support you show me on a daily basis. It truly makes a difference, and I appreciate you all. I am feeling better. Just taking it day by day.

much love <3 Bekr

And the truth shall set you free…

*********TRIGGER WARNING**********

I am tired… Exhausted is more like it. I am miserable here. “But you live in Paradise, how could you be unhappy?” I don’t know, I just am. I hate it here. Yes, it’s a beautiful place, but it’s a different way of life, that I have not been able to adapt to. I thought I could get to a point where I was okay with living here. Hasn’t happened. It’s been one major life event after another, and I’m tired of smiling. I am tired of trying to “fake it until I make it”. It just is not going to happen. All I want to do is cry. I can’t stop thinking of “those” thoughts. Thoughts that I don’t want to be here “Earth” anymore. How I just want to end it because no matter what, it’s all shit. Yeah, I know I talk about hope and yadda, yadda, yadda. About how life is worth struggling through the bad parts to get to the good parts. A part of me still believes that, and I guess that is part of why I am still here. My moods have been moodier than ever :) One day I will wake up and be “good” with everything and have a decent day. The next day, I sleep all day and think of ways to kill myself. I have good moments and awful moments, not much in between.

I’m struggling, I’m drowning… While being watched and holding my arm up, hoping someone will grab onto my arm… YET AT THE SAME TIME, I am drowning and not looking up or holding my arm up, I am peacefully sinking to the bottom. I am so confused and lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am scared.

I feel like I am letting people down, because I’m supposed to be this strong person who has survived so much more, so much worse. I don’t want to pretend to be that person, because that is not me. I am hurting so much, and I am terrified of my own thoughts. Many friends have written that I look so happy since moving here. Well, that is my mask… And I use it well, as I have my entire life. I use it to hide. I use it to try and trick myself that I am happy. When honestly I am dying inside.

Where do I go? Where is “home”? Do I have a home? Where the f am I? I do not feel comfortable nor at home here.

Who am I? For some reason I feel I have lost my identity. I feel like an abandoned puppet. Lost in a crowd.

I want to be strong. I want to go to the beach and have a blast. So why can’t I? What is stopping me??? I don’t fucking know and it’s frustrating me.

It’s about time for an update!!!

*********TRIGGER WARNING**** THIS IS A “VENTING” POST************

I will try to make this update as brief as possible. If you have read my blog, then you know how that usually doesn’t work out ;)
In my last update I wrote about my seizure (from lorazepam withdrawal) and how my life was great… at that moment.

  • Sooo… a few weeks after that I got extremely sick, won’t go into the gross details, but I ended up in the Veterans Emergency Room for fear of lack of dehydration. Waited in the waiting room for 6-7 hours, then finally got a bed. Got tons of blood tests, IV for fluids and antibiotics, was in there for 7-8 hours (these times are estimates, because I have no sense of time). They could not figure out what I had, so they just kept ruling things out. Then I had an abdominal CT Scan, they noticed my appendix was ‘irritated’. I was NOT having any abdominal pain. They decided I had appendicitis, but could not decide whether to have it removed or not. I was eventually admitted to Critical Care, or something like that. I had my room and tv. On the 3rd day, they decided I should have my appendix removed, but left it up to me. So, I said, “just take the damn thing out” (because every time I go there for abdominal pain, they always have to rule appendicitis out). Now if I go again for abdominal pain, I can say, “my appendix has been removed, so it is NOT that”. I had a laparoscopic appendectomy done. They kept me another day after that to ‘monitor’ me. I was okay, so was released on the 5th or 6th day. I HATE HOSPITALS! It was so boring. But hey, my ‘symptoms’ did go away, so I was happy. Not so happy that I had to take it easy for a few weeks after the surgery so I would heal nicely and not cause further damage. Taking it easy 2 weeks before a huge move… not that easy. I felt useless, my husband had to lift anything over 10 pounds. I tried to take it easy as much as I could (not very much). But I did not cause further damage, and healed nicely, not completely healed yet. The experience slightly traumatized me. Estimated date this all happened November 5-11. My follow-up appointment was the day before scheduled flight. Doctor did not really do an exam, he just pressed on my side, and said I was good to go. The results were back, and it was a GOOD thing I had it removed, because my appendix would have eventually ruptured and with the timing it probably would have happened around the time we got to Puerto Rico.
  • Mentally I was quite stressed out having to take care of canceling this and that, having to get my 2 furbabies checked out. Selling all of our furniture and items we no longer needed. Kept a few things in storage. Making sure I had enough medications for at least 1.5 month. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

OKAY, I am just going make this as short as possible. I deleted most of it, but kept the above. I NEVER used to write like this, I was always straight to the point, now I am all “blah, blah, blah”

  • Flying Day: Got felt up by the TSA, because my hands tested positive for ‘explosive’ residue… you know because I was not stressed enough, nor have PTSD, nor have issues with being ‘touched/patted/rubbed’ up and down by a complete stranger… They went through all of my stuff (invasion of privacy, embarrassed much… no), pushed me off to the side, Mike had no idea what was going on. Was extremely near my breaking point, shaking, ready to burst into tears from the added stress/anger/fear/shame they were causing; because I figured if I ‘lost’ it, there would be no flights for Rebecca for a while. AND I did have a ‘disability’ card explaining my disabilities. When I bought the tickets, I also made them aware of my mental state. (apparently the TSA does not give a shit about any of that… they separated me from my Emotional Support Dog [having a letter and prescription from my Psychiatrist]… At least I was put in a separate SMALL room when I was ‘fondled’). Had to change Gates 3 times because of airplane ‘issues’. Flights were smooth, was able to have both furbabies on my lap, had to tell Flight Attendants they were emotional support dogs, and they said ‘okay’ and let me be. Got to PR around midnight.
  • Spent almost 5 hours every evening searching online for a rental apartment (home)… took 3 weeks to find a place. Ended up being so worth the time, because we found a great place for a great price.
  • Bought a used vehicle, and got completely ripped off. Ended up having to spend LOTS of money to make it drivable. The person selling it, rigged it to ‘work’ when he sold it to us. Thankfully we had the money to pay to get it ‘fixed’. Find something else wrong it almost every day. We had to laugh about it.
  • Ended up having to put Sammie (my 15-year-old furbaby) to sleep anyway. That was EXTREMELY rough for me. Had her cremated.
  • Got attacked by bugs on my legs. Was not bad, just dots everywhere, until they started to itch. That lasted 2 days with no relief, tried everything, ointments, sprays… you name it.
  • Living right on the beach and not being able to go into the water above my thighs, having to wait to my surgery incisions to completely heal. (not that big of a deal, I know).
  • Going to the VA and having to wait I don’t know how long to see a therapist or psychiatrist. Have an appointment in January with my assigned Primary Care Provider, but no Mental Health appointments, I tried to do a ‘walk in’ for Mental Health, was seen by a nurse and refused to be seen by a Mental Health Professional. I am going to have to make a few phone calls to be seen any time soon, I SERIOUSLY need it. (I find this troubling, because I am rated at 100% total and permanently disabled due to bipolar, YET can’t be seen by a psychiatrist when I go to the VA and say I desperately need to see one.) I am sure I can go to a local Emergency Room, but I am not now suicidal, a danger to myself or others.
  • Last but not least. My husband obviously knows I am bipolar, and is somewhat educated about it. He has stood by side and supported me through some seriously difficult times. Yet, he thought coming here would make me feel better. The sun and sand and all of that. I know he knows better than this, and he says he was just ‘hoping’ for it. This aggravates me and I tried explaining it to him why it bothers me, but I don’t think he ‘gets’ it. He has had his own adjustment issues, therefore less patient. I understand and don’t blame his behavior, he is only human. When we get along, it’s great. When we disagree or argue, it’s AWFUL. My friend at Musings of a Bipolar Hot Mess posted this picture today, I thought was a perfect example of this ‘situation’. I am still ‘me’ no matter where I am…    NOTE: My husband has been supportive though. He has been cooking for me, making sure I eat and take showers, doing all of the laundry… It is just that ‘one’ thing I don’t think he ‘gets’. He is not a bad husband, that is not what I am saying at all, so please do not misinterpret what I am trying to say.

REALLY!!!

  • Anyway, there is more, but I will leave it at this. And PLEASE don’t ask me why we decided to move here in the first place. It is something I am tired of explaining the entire story. In short, it was a decision we made together for our own reasons, and the timing of everything just happened to happen when it did. This was never meant to be a ‘permanent’ move. Just something temporary, for 1 year or so depending on how it went.

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  • Right now, our lease is for 6 months. I am sure things will get better, I remain hopeful. We will both adjust to living here, and so will Roxy (our other furbaby). We will explore, travel and do what we came here to do. Enjoy life to the fullest, enjoy each others company and simply just be.

This post is an update, since it has been some time since my last post. But this post was also a way for me to get everything out. My way of dealing with everything. Me helping me. So this post is basically a ‘vent’ post. It has overwhelmed me, so much going on in so little time. I am just mentally tired and heartbroken day after day… Thanks for ‘listening’.

(not editing, as far as grammar, spelling and such now; not in the mood. Will probably correct errors later, because they annoy me ;) )

Much love and peace! Bekr

Life can be Wonderful!

Bekr here. I am totally loving/enjoying life right now. Amanda and her family have been kind enough to let us stay with them in between our move. She has 3 beautiful girls. Tonight I did something I’ve always wanted to do. I read a bedtime story to her 2 older daughters (which are my “adopted” daughters) We are reading Charlotte’s Web, which is fun for me since I never read it
as a child. I don’t think I ever watched the movie either. We are staying here for 2 to 3 weeks if all goes as planned. It’s going to be difficult to leave. I’m going to miss my Amanda and the girls so much. Thank goodness for Skype! Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I am in a very good place in my life right now. I have accepted certain aspects of my life, that I hadn’t before… no use in fighting them. And yes, I have been in a very talkative mood today. I’m just so happy. And no, I’m not manic So, for those of you that are feeling hopeless and think that things will never get better… they do! You just have to give them/life a chance. There will always be rough patches, whether they last a few days to a few years, they DO pass. A while back I had a rough few years, didn’t think I was going to make it, wasn’t sure if I really wanted to. But I’m so happy that I struggled through. It was so worth it. And I’m sure there will be rough patches/times ahead. That is just the way life is. Just try your best and give it all you can. I digress. Just wanted to make a few points. My heart is so happy and filled with utter joy and I wanted to share that with every single one of you. For those that have read this far, thank you for reading and your time. much love as always. I wish each and every one of you peace, love and joy. And only hope that you find a place of joy and many moments of happiness. Okay, I think I’m done… lol. One more thing… teehee… I am smiling cheek to cheek as I’m writing all of this. Sorry for being so long winded. Good night and sweet dreams.

What’s up with Bekr???

Hello!! I hope everyone is well!

It has been an extremely busy past couple of weeks. I was completely bored at home with nothing really to do. Then I was busy doing something before my parents came to visit. Can’t quite remember what it was though. Yeah, my short-term memory is zapped since the seizure. Then my parents visited for 1 week. We went all over the place. Lots of walking and taking photos and spending time together. I had a blast!! Then I had one day to “recover” from the seizure and had to start packing for the move. Oh, yeah. That is what I did before my parents visited. Packed stuff and went to a friend’s house for a community garage sale on Saturday and Sunday. You wouldn’t think it isn’t much, but it takes plenty out of you, especially if you are used to sitting on your butt all day ;)

Anyway, after that, as I stated the parents visited. On their last day here, my brain decided to have a seizure. It was my fault, although the cause was not determined 100%. I ran out of Lorazepam. I get them in the mail, but I have to be home to sign for them. I was not home the 3 times they tried delivering them. I was not concerned, I figured I would get them soon enough (boy was I wrong). So it had been about 3 days without them. That morning, I felt a bit annoyed. Throughout the day I noticed a few things: my fingers were swollen; I had a pounding headache that would come and go (thought it was from the sun and heat); I told my Dad that “I felt ‘funny’”, I do not remember saying that, but he later told me that I did say that; and the last “symptom” happened 30 minutes before the seizure. My bottom lip was twitching and then felt numb, which lasted 2-3 minutes. It happened the 2 seconds I was not around my parents or my husband. I don’t remember much, just waking up on the floor with my family and strangers around me asking questions I did not know the answers to. I was taken to the ER. Surprisingly everyone was very nice. They did an EKG and CT Scan, which both were normal, with the exception of the “goose egg” on the side of my head. That is what the doctor called it. Huge painful lump, I must have fallen and smashed the side of my head and bounced, because my husband told me I was face down, bruising on forehead and left eyelid. And of course I had to fall on the hard floor, and not 1 foot away on the carpet. Long story short (sort of), DON’T EVER STOP YOUR MEDS ABRUPTLY, ESPECIALLY BENZOS!!! I was lucky that was all that happened. And that it happened while we were at a casino and not climbing on rocks where we were earlier that day. I could have been much worse. I thank my lucky stars that my guardian angel works overtime for me ;)

I know I am rambling now, but it has been a while since the last update.

The past few days have been packing, sorting through stuff to sell, to get rid of, to keep in storage and what to take with us. It was much easier just moving from one place to another, just packing stuff and heading on our way. But this is exhausting, while freeing, getting rid of so much unnecessary stuff is not as difficult as I thought it would be. Turns out I am not attached to material things, even though I LOVE purchasing them ;) So we are still in the process of going through everything. Luckily we have wonderful/thoughtful/kind friends that are willing to let us stay with them, while we move out of the house we are renting and for the 2 weeks in between period before we move to our next location.

If you have gotten this far, THANKS for reading! I tend to get bored easily while reading sometimes. I will leave it at this, even though I still have lots to talk about/write. I will save it for another day.

As always, much love, peace, happiness and all that good crap ;) Bekr

Can you tell I am not on my Ritalin?? hehe…

Underneath the Smile

Underneath the smile
Is a scared little girl.
Underneath the scars
Is a soldier.
Underneath her skin
Is a lost soul…

Underneath it all, there is
Happiness, sadness, madness, confusion.

Underneath this scared little girl, is someone who has faced her fears…

faces them every day… and is still a little fearful.

Underneath her lips
Were lies, which are working on honesty and loyalty.
Underneath her eyes
Are tears of joy and sadness.

Above all of this
Is a girl risen from her own ashes…
And is a survivor, a fighter, a warrior…

~Bekr
September 10, 2013.