Prolonged Exposure Therapy Part 1

So I went to the 3rd session of my Prolonged Exposure Therapy. It was the one where I relive/talk about my traumatic experience over and over. This was the first time I discussed it in that much detail since it happened. It was very difficult. I sobbed, I cried. But I got through it. I also was able to “see/realize” a few things I had not before, with the help of my therapist.

I was exhausted afterwards. I took a nice long nap. The rest of the day was ‘meh’. Later on at night, I was extremely aggravated and angry after I had a crying fit. The therapy that morning was a huge trigger. I took my anger out on my poor husband (which I need to apologize). I now feel so bad. I said some very cruel stuff. That anger inside of me was so vicious. It had a mind of its own. I even had thoughts of serious self harm, which I did not act upon. It was REALLY bad. BUT, I am okay now. My mood is somewhat stable. Not upset/depressed or angry. Not happy either, just kind of here going through the motions. It has been a pretty stressful month, so breaking down last night was not a real surprise.

Here is a video of me before the session, right after the session and a few hours later

For more information about Prolonged Exposure Therapy for Posttraumatic Stress Disorders see links:

Underneath the Smile” target=”_blank”>

Underneath the smile
Underneath the smile
Is a scared little girl.
Underneath the scars
Is a soldier.

Underneath her skin Is a lost soul…
Underneath it all, there is
Happiness, sadness, madness, confusion.
Underneath this scared little girl, is someone who has faced her fears… faces them every day…
and is still a little fearful.

Underneath her lips
Were lies, which are working on honesty and loyalty.
Underneath her eyes
Are tears of joy and sadness.

Above all of this Is a girl risen from her own ashes…
And is a survivor, a fighter, a warrior…

~Bekr September 10, 2013.

Bekr the Bright

Bekr the Bright.

I am humbled. <3 Click above to see the article.

Watching TV and ADD/ADHD…

Watching TV when you have ADD/ADHD

* Sit down to watch a movie/tv show.

* 5 minutes later: this is boring. Go get laptop, check e-mail, check Facebook.
~10 of the most grotesque photos you will ever see (click here), don’t mind if I do… ewwww that’s sick… nah that one isn’t… who determines what makes the pictures so grotesque?
~10 things that make you go hmmmmm? CLICK… 10 hours later I come up for air ;)

* Who is that actress? What other movies has she been in? I know I know her from somewhere. Grab phone and look up movie to see her name, then click on her name and see all the movies she has been in. Oh yeah, I thought she was in that movie. OR I did not know that was her. He’s in this movie? What other movies has he been in. Click his name… 20 clicks later I know everyone in this movie and all the movies they have been in.

* Oh, that’s a cool song, grab phone Shazam that shit, save for later.

* Glance up at TV.

* Awwe, look at my babies, they look adorable. Grab phone and take photo of my dogs.

* Check Instagram.

* Get on Pinterest… Cannot look away/stop pinning.

* Check Facebook.
~ oooh, a silly quiz. I’ll take it just for laughs. A million quizzes later I know: I will survive a zombie apocalypse; that if I were in a horror movie I’d be the killer; that I’m not a psychopath; what color my aura is; what character I’d be in this movie and that movie…

* Pee break.

* Ooh, I am hungry, go make a snack while trying to keep and eye on the TV.

* Is that dust? Grab duster and dust entertainment center.

* Was I doing laundry? Yes. Put clothes in dryer. Sniff the fabric softener for a couple of minutes.

* Brilliant idea/topic for a blog post, think about it for a few minutes, have all intentions of writing it down, look up at TV, then completely forget the idea/topic.

* Bought boots yesterday, need to break them in. Get up, put boots on. Sit back down and stare at super shiny red boots.

* Pee break.

* What is that strange-looking thing on the wall? Is that a bug? or just a spot? Don’t feel like getting up to see exactly what it is. Squint, because that will help me see better. Oh, it’s just a little bug. Leave it be, it is not bothering me (unless it starts crawling around, then must get up and kill it)

* I am so thirsty, open fridge, get water, look at lack of food.

* Man these boots are squishing my feet :(

* That chic is so stupid, did she seriously think she would get away with that?

* I haven’t worn a watch in a while, I know I have a skull watch somewhere… get up and look for watches… eventually find watches, decide to wear my army od green watch.

* Pee break.

* ooooh, red shiny boots, so worth the slight pain. It feels like they are hugging my feet. It is love.

* Cool song, this movie has a great soundtrack!

* Is this movie ever going to end??

* That is such a cool necklace, I want it.

* Hands feel dry, find lotion… “it rubs the lotion on its skin”.

* It’s getting late, I should be tired, but I am wired. Tired/wired wired/tired, that rhymes.

* What day is it? Do I have an appointment tomorrow?

* Is there something I am forgetting?

What was I writing about???


Still going through medication adjustments. Again… yes, again…

I had written about stopping benzos because of the side effects and memory problems. I lasted a little over 2 months without it. The first month was rough at night. But it did get easier. Then anxiety started kicking in again. I would try to relax and go to sleep. Then my blood would feel as if it were boiling and wanted to burst out of my veins. It felt like every cell in my body were made of tiny razor blades radically bouncing around… constantly shifting, with no relief. My body was flopping around like a fish starving for water. I tried listening to relaxing music… I tried meditation (maybe not hard enough). I tried chamomile tea… and then some, I tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked. So I decided to get back on benzos. Talked about it with my Psychiatrist and she prescribed them for me. It was I that wanted to stop them, not by recommendation of her, so she had no problem prescribing them for me, since I never abused them. I now take a very small dose as needed. I do not feel like a failure at all for having to get back on them. Someone had written about that, for me not to feel like a failure. Not sure why they wrote that. Why would I feel like a failure for having to get back on certain medications. Well, I guess I could see where someone would think that.

Love, light and peace

What Mental Illness Feels Like (Part 2)

The 2nd video in this series of videos. I kind of went on a tangent about medication, but it’s still relevant ;)
I will be doing a series of videos about Mental Illness, related to Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD and PTSD. This is the first in the series. I have several reasons for wanting to do these videos. * To raise awareness. To help those that do not understand what we go through on a daily basis. * To put a ‘face’ to Mental Illness. * To spread hope to those that need it. * To help others maybe feel not so alone.

Thank you for taking the time to watch/listen

What Mental Illness Feels Like (Part 1)

I will be doing a series of videos about Mental Illness, related to Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD and PTSD. This is the first in the series. I have several reasons for wanting to do these videos. * To raise awareness. To help those that do not understand what we go through on a daily basis. * To put a ‘face’ to Mental Illness. * To spread hope to those that need it. * To help others maybe feel not so alone.

Que Pasa?

It is 1:30am, and I would like to be in bed asleep now. I am mentally exhausted, but I have all of this crap on my mind. This time I decided to hop on my laptop and type, instead of reciting this over in my mind a million times.
(I started this last night. Between then and now, I decided to drop most of the details I did write about, no need for them)

Names, relations, identities and situations have been changed/generalized to protect the privacy of all involved. While I do discuss personal details in this blog, they are my personal details. I believe those around me have a right to privacy, and I will not infringe upon those rights.

There we were, dealing with everything that life has recently thrown at us (mainly my medical issues) and my husband starting school again… Then last Monday a relative needed some help. We were in the situation to help him out. We did have the option to do nothing, but that is not who we are. So this person has lived with us since Friday. ***off topic*** It has been strange, because I am not having any problems with him living with us, where a few years ago there is no way I would have been able to handle it. I could/can barely handle living with my husband, much less another young person. ***back on topic*** We have a small 2 bedroom apartment, so it is tight living quarters, not much privacy anymore. Let’s see how long I can handle it ;) Not sure how long he is going to stay with us, but we did give him the option to stay as long as he needs.

Yesterday said person’s good friend needed some help. My husband being the wonderful person that he is offered to help. So my husband made a round trip total of 9 hours to help this friend out. More than that was done, but no need to go into details. I love that man! (my husband, that is ;) )

Tomorrow I am getting an endoscopy. Things are good.

So, um… I feel pretty damn good. One thing that bothers me a little is I am questioning that I seem to be doing so well given the current circumstances. I wonder if it has to do with my having Bipolar Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder. I question my current state of mind. Well, I question it when I am doing well. I never question it when I am depressed though. Does anyone else do this? I do not question when I am hyper/manic either. So why the heck do I question it when I am doing well. I guess I wonder, am I doing well? Or do I just not care, or am I in denial. Okay, so I don’t question when the circumstances are good and I am doing well. I question when the circumstances are crappy and I am doing/feeling well. I don’t know… Now that I am writing all of this, I have confused myself and the point I was trying to make. Maybe one of you will understand what I am getting at. If you do, PLEASE reply here or reply to my e-mail: (I would greatly appreciate that, and/or any suggestions you may have)

I guess that is it for now…

Maybe not… teehee… as I was “tagging” this post, I came upon ‘acceptance’. Now I am thinking, that just might be it. Not not caring, not denial, not numb… Radical Acceptance. I did got through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)…

Okay, bye for now ;) Hugs, Love, Peace and Happiness <3

Oh wait… I do get some major anxiety at night. Not sure if I wrote about stopping benzos in this blog… but I decided the best thing for me right now, is to get back on them, but that is another topic.

Okay, seriously, for real this time… Bye ;)

Gratitude vs Depression vs Anxiety

Gratitude vs Depression vs Anxiety.

1 done

Hey folks :)

Had the cystoscopy done today. Was not too bad, a bit uncomfortable. Then severe pain and discomfort after the procedure. I am okay though. The good news: the doctor said it does not look like I have a urethral diverticulum (so we will put that on the back burner). The not-so-good news: I may have bladder cancer, BUT not to worry, if it is in the first stages it can be treated. Treatment will be a pain, having to have a cystoscopy every 3 months and some other stuff. She really did not go into details because they have to do surgery first to find exactly what is going on. The surgery is scheduled in February (after my 40th birthday ;) ) to remove the abnormal area and get it biopsied.

It was cool looking at the screen and being able to see inside my bladder (although I had seen it before). The ‘abnormal’ area looked like something from SpongeBob SquarePants ;) I drew a picture of what it looked like.
Screen Shot 2015-01-12 at 4.35.38 PM

I am still in good spirits. I did get a little stressed… angry stressed, which is not good for me or anyone around me ;) I am okay now though. I got stressed because I knew how uncomfortable the procedure is. Not too worried about the endoscopy next week, I will be knocked out for that ;)

I am not worrying about this because I did that before. I totally freaked out and was stressing when I first was told that I ‘probably’ had a urethral divirticulum. I cried and stressed for a few months about it… and for what??? Nothing. So I have learned to not concern myself with things that have yet to happen. I am human, so some concern is normal. But I am not going to waste precious time fretting about this. And even then, worrying does not change things. I will take action, and move on. That is all I can do. I have learned to let go. I cannot control everything… yeah, I know, I used to think I could, because I am Bekr the all knowing all controlling ;) All I can control are my reactions (for the most part). Okay, enough rambling, time for some red beans and rice… yumminess!!


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